Losing Part of Myself

Well, if I’m being honest I’m trying to lose about 50lbs of myself…

So I had a baby in January. In the beginning of the pregnancy I was 193lbs(the heaviest I’ve ever been) and a week before birth I was 196lbs. SUPER exciting stuff, I only gained 3lbs!!!

Not so much.

I had the worst morning sickness for 20 weeks and I actually lost 10lbs, the most weight I’ve lost in awhile. But after the morning sickness went away I gained all the weight back plus 3lbs.

When I went to the doctor after having the baby I was 187lbs. I honestly looked awesome and felt great too. I went to Goodwill and bought pants in a smaller size then before pregnancy. I kept it off for 3 months and then breastfeeding munchies hit me hard.

I know this doesn’t affect everyone but I know that some women(like myself) suffer from super sugary munchies and it’s almost never enough. So I went from being 187lbs to 206lbs… my new heavy.

Enter a level of depression I haven’t seen in awhile. I felt disgusting and I looked it as well, nothing fit and even when I got something zipped up I looked like over stuffed sausage.

My husband tried to make me feel better and attractive but it doesn’t matter what other people think of me, just me.

So after a few months of this, I decided to try to lose weight. We don’t have a lot of extra money so a gym membership is out of question, plus not all gyms have childcare.

I started researching, I LOVE to research, and I came up with a game plan. I found an exercise group of moms and I could bring the baby.

NEM—No Excuse Moms

I also discovered intermittent fasting. Since most of my fat problem is in my belly the answer for me would have to be diet.

So I started my odyssey with dieting. When you start intermittent fasting you need to do it slowly, well I needed to. I got really dizzy and bad headaches. I started with a 12:12 ratio and I worked my way to a 16:8 ratio, which means I eat for 8 hours and fast for 12. It seemed daunting when I first started, I am a muncher. I eat when I’m sad, happy, bored, tired(especially tired) so basically I was eating constantly and it felt like I was starving myself when I started the diet.

I also found a calorie calculator to watch my calories. With breastfeeding you need to take in an extra 300-500 calories, so that was factored in.

I did the diet for about a month, slowly limiting the hours I was eating and adjusting myself. I then added exercise. I did not lose any weight with dieting, but I did feel better, and I lost an inch off my stomach.

So after I get used to the fasting and reduced calories I joined the mom’s group. They met twice a week and it was different workouts each time.

They hosted a weightloss challenge starting in August. The winner would get money. Long story short, I didn’t win, but I lost 6lbs in 2 months and I was/am extremely proud of myself.

The group

23/23ish

So obviously I’m not done. I’m at 196lbs and I need to get to 150lbs.

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NaNoWriMo

I apologize if our posts slow down

So November 1st starts National Novel Writing Month and probably some spotty blogs from me… and my husband actually!

We are both lovers of writing and actually both have a dream of being a published author.

NanoWriMo is just a kick in the ass that we both need to write. These are our profiles if anyone wants to buddy us and if you are participating

May the odds be ever in your favor

I am guilty

There were happy moments and bring joy to me remembering them

I have mentioned before that I was married before. It didn’t end well, in fact most of the marriage wasn’t great. We were 2 kids who got married “to do the right thing” and we failed.

I left.

When I left I started a whole new life, new email address, social media accounts, the works.

I was single for 3 years after I left, I was damaged and broken and then I met this wonderful man who was and is ok with my faults and fears. He strives to help me heal and we have a great life together; storybook great.

I’ve been going through my old Facebook account because Matt likes to look at pictures of the kids as babies and compare them to Tobias.

I have mixed feelings about looking through the past because there are terrible memories like this

(There’s a story there)

And though painful, I’m actually ok with those because it confirms why we aren’t together.

But there also moments like these

Look how young we were! Full of hopes and dreams.

There were happy moments and bring joy to me remembering them

But is that ok?

I wouldn’t give up what I have right now for anything, but does that mean I have to hate my life before?

I feel like I’m between a rock and a hard place in my situation. On one hand I have this amazing husband and I don’t ever want him to think I have any regrets. On the other, I now have knowledge and maturity and when I think of my past I remember the moments I wish I would have used them.

My ex and I have a touchy relationship, pain and anger harvested on both sides. We do our best for our kids.

But could it be better?

Does it need to be better?

One Week

I wasn’t going to have anything to show for it because, I don’t bruise

It’s been one week since I fell down the stairs

Scared the crap out of myself and

Got my first BAD bruise

I was going for Barenaked Ladies there, but I am no song writer. Last week I was finishing up the townhouse I clean on Sundays and I feel down the stairs. I went down hard and slid down 5 stairs. I knew I hurt myself; my back, my hip, my shoulder, my arm and my hand all on the right side.

I got up and went to my bosses house and dropped off the supplies and sheets that needed to be cleaned. By the time I got to her house I was SO sore. I knew I was hurt but I assumed that I wasn’t going to have anything to show for it because, I don’t bruise.

So when I got home and I told my husband what had happened he examined me and for all my pain this is all I had to show

… super annoyed.

My inability to properly bruise has always made me feel dramatic because I have nothing to show for my pain.

The next day I woke up and I was SUPER SORE. I get out of bed slowly and my husband says… oh your leg!!

The sheer joy I felt for having proof that my pain was real!! Not that Matt doubted me, but I’ve been before.

Over the next few days I loved watching my bruise change AND also get better because the pain slowly went away

It got worse before it got better.

And Sunday, one week later, my leg feels completely better

All of my other injuries have healed as well, except my shoulder. I’m going to have to go see a doctor for that.

But I’m very excited that I finally have proof of my pain!

Food Prep

I made a total of 11 meals…and it took about 3 hours to get everything done

I was recently at a meal prep party… let that sink in… a meal prep PARTY.

Basically you pay $120 and someone else shops for you and then you come together with other people and bag the food in freezer bags (these are meals for the crockpot).

I was actually pretty excited about the idea because life has been hectic and not having to think about dinner is actually a HUGE relief. These meals were supposed to be 4 servings each. They were not, most of the bags really only had about 2 servings in them.

So I decided to do host my own meal prep party… meaning I plan the meals, go food shopping, prep the fresh ingredients and fill the bags myself by myself (which is my favorite part).

I hit Pinterest hard and created a list of meals and of items that I needed to buy

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I broke the ingredients down into sections and did my shopping with my bum wrist and littlest man. I think I spent less than $100 on everything, so then it was onto the next step.

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Prep

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My partner and I were chopping and bagging different things

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I made a total of 11 meals that will feed at least 3 people and it took about 3 hours to get everything done, but I did have to take a break to put the baby down for a nap and I made a meatloaf for my son to eat over the week.

I will say if you want to do something like this and want/need advice I would love to direct you. Also, there are plenty of canned and prepackaged items in these meals so I wasn’t necessarily prepping for health, just convenience.

There were a lot of cans, your trash will look like this.

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Soulmates

My dad performed the ceremony at our wedding and he called us soulmates. He was right

Our anniversary was in August and I have been writing this blog since then. We were celebrating one year married and three years together.

Matt and I met in June 2016 and it was far from love at first sight, lol. He was this young kid and a disheveled mess, his hair and how he dressed was not appealing to me. I had to converse with him as part of my job so I got to know him a little, found out he was smart and funny and a sort of friendship started. He added me on Facebook and we were messaging back and forth, some light flirting.

One time at work he was on break with a team member from the store and we were talking while I did my job. I was walking back towards them and they were laughing, “what’s so funny?” I asked. They told me that I had something black all over my butt (I wore khaki pants). Without thinking I asked to have a picture of my ass so I could see what it was and Matt pulled out his phone willingly; realizing my mistake I quickly told him I was talking about Jack (the gay team member he had been talking to, I knew he wouldn’t ENJOY the picture later). That is one of Matt’s favorite stories to tell, lol.

So like I said, we were messaging back and forth but nothing serious. He did not come off as the guy who wanted the “happy meal” I was bringing to the table and I wasn’t bringing anyone around my kids who wasn’t 100% serious.

Long story short, while lightly flirting he asked me how he should get his hair cut and that triggered a freak out response in my brain( I realize that was VERY dramatic and he still laughs at me for it). I had been single for 3 years and I wasn’t sure I was ready to change that yet; I was terrified. So I took 3 steps back from him. I went from being flirty to gruff. When he sent me messages I would send a one word response, if I sent one at all. But he continued to message me, despite my behavior. He was never rude or put off.

It hit me one day that maybe this is the guy you should date. The one who sees you at your worst and isn’t phased by it. He still wanted to talk to me and still wanted me.

So I gave him a chance and it has been the smartest decision of my life.

My dad performed the ceremony at our wedding and he called us soulmates. He was right.

I love that man

Screenshots worth 1000 words

So I have a lot going on in my life currently, mom, starting a business, house, work, weightloss, wife, pet mom, friend, daughter and the list continues.

Sometimes I have a hard time keeping track of my life. I have a dry erase calendar that I write things, apts, parent teacher conferences, trips on but that isn’t enough.

One thing that I do to help keep my life in order is take screenshots of things that I have to do, remember, look up, laugh at, share with my husband.

These are some of the ones I plan to keep, some of them are Christmas ideas, murder mystery podcasts to check out, diet ideas to look up or try. The tattoo is a response to my sister, letting her know which one I thought was the best. Where to find renaissance festival coupons, measurements in cm for Wish presents. And of course my Hogwarts house, because that’s just important to know.

These are how I keep my life in order. I go through once or twice a week and clean out the ones I don’t need anymore.

I was recently at a meal prep party and I mentioned that is how kept my life in order; to my surprise another mom chimed in that she does the same thing!!

It’s funny that the comment made me feel so justified in my actions, but in retrospect… it isn’t really.

Moms are so hard on themselves, we hold ourselves to such a ridiculous standard and it’s nice when someone else does something as weird as organizing our life with screenshots.