Father’s Day

Happy Father’s day to all the men doing the most important job in the world!!

I want to take this time to thank the important fathers in my life.

First off, I want to say a special thanks to my sperm donor. The man whom I have never actually had a conversation with. He left my mom when I was a baby and that was it. So seriously THANK YOU for leaving. You are clearly not someone I needed in my life and because you left I got my dad.

To the only man I have called Dad, thank you. Thank you doesn’t really cut it. You stepped up and took on the challenge that is me when you were so young. You sacrificed so much for all of us. You taught me about good music, football and politics. You showed me how much you love me time and time again. We have butt heads more than once, and they are some pretty fond memories now, lol. I love you.

To the father of my older kids, thank you! I love being a mom and I love being their mom. We don’t see eye to eye on things but our love for them is never ending. Between our drama there are good memories that I will never forget.

Finally to my husband. Where do I start? You started being a dad before we were even married. You love all three of our kids so much and do anything for them. So much so that Mackenzie is aware she has you wrapped around her finger, lol. You go above and beyond on a daily basis. You bust your ass to make sure we have an amazing life. I love watching you to learn how to parent a baby/toddler. The joy on Tobias’ face when he sees you after work and listening to the kids run to give you a hug are some of my favorite moments. I love you.

Happy Father’s day!

June 15th

I was scanning my Facebook memories, as I do each day, but this day was different.

Apparently June 15th I feel compelled to upload a selfie roughly every 2 years.

A five year history of me

I started looking at the pictures and thinking about the different things happening in my life at each point.

June 2015- I was almost 2 yrs out of my first marriage and I had tried dating for the first time that year… it didn’t go well. I was exercising about 5 days a week, 30lbs down from 2 yrs prior. I was working a job that I loved. I wore makeup….I was feeling myself!  My life was about to change drastically though and it would propel me into the life I’m living now.

June 2017- I was living in a new state, at a new store, now a POG team lead.  I had gained ALL 30lbs back and more. I was dating my now husband and we were about to move in together. I loved my job, but the position was about to disappear and I was TIRED constantly.

June 2019- I am married again, a new homeowner and I had a baby back in January. I am getting barely any sleep, can’t even open my eyes completely and about 10 min after this picture is taken I am told how lazy of a mom I am (by my daughter) because I don’t want to take the kids to the pool. Mom guilt pushed me and my terrible self esteem to squeeze my fat ass into a swimsuit. It wasn’t a fun day for me at all.

June 2020…. where do I even start??? Ignoring the world around me that’s burning down. I’m actually doing well. I’ve gotten serious about losing ALL the weight over gained. Mentally I have great days and terrible days but I’m recovering faster than ever. I have an amazing support group and I feel strong. I’m remembering my self worth comes from me and I am not letting anyone’s hurtful actions ruin that again! I am doing this for me.

I’m going to be pushing myself to work on my business, I am hoping to start gaining some financial independence while being at home with the kids. We are homeschooling this upcoming year and I am excited for this new challenge. Getting out of my comfort zone to better my kids.

Do you ever reflect on your past and how it has brought you to where you are now? Do you still have hope for 2020, or have you given up??

Facebook Free

I have quit the Facebooks

I had been considering cutting Facebook out of my life for a few weeks and I have finally pulled the trigger, so to speak.

And by pulling the trigger, I mean I deleted it off my phone…. if I was sending a message I would insert a face-palming emoji here. It’s so funny how far my life has come. When I first started my social media journey I was fresh out of high school and using my parent’s computer (also that was Myspace). Now I have apps on my phone so I can check into any social media I want 100 times a day.

It has become an obsession, an addiction and it’s not healthy. I am guilty of posting things just for likes, or comments. I need the engagement, I crave it, I get disappointed if a post doesn’t receive a lot of attention.

I am almost 36 years old…. that should not be a factor in my day. I judge myself CONSTANTLY for being so shallow.

But I am taking a break, I doubt I’ll delete my account permanently. As I have already discovered my entire social life is organized through Facebook. Homeschooling events and my workout group are all on there.

My goal is to disengage, other than neccessary events, as long as possible. I want to track what I do with my time besides scrolling through memes and others lives.

Have you ever quit social media for awhile? Or do you not use social media?

Goodbye to my independence

I said goodbye to my car yesterday. I cried hard about it too. Which I know for some may be really strange but this car meant a lot to me.

She’s all cleaned out and ready to go

When I left my first husband it was not a mutual parting. I had my kids, some clothes and very little else. The car I did have had to be scrapped.

I was starting a new life with nothing of my own. I moved back in with my parents, got a job and started saving. The pride of having a job was great, but I still had nothing of my own. I was using my mom’s car to go to work. If I wanted to go anywhere else I had to ask my mother’s permission to use her car… I was 30…

Fast forward about 9 months and I got this beauty.

Her first picture as mine!

The kids and I took this car to museums, the mall, the movies. We had adventures and personal Frozen concerts. We took trips to see my Nanny.

It’s just a car to a lot of people but for me, it was personal pride and independence. I felt better about myself and I felt I was a better example for my kids.

I loved her. The memories we made in that car will not soon be forgotten.

With that I have to say what I always say in these situations.

That’ll do pig….

DIY

I am a fan of giving personalized and thoughtful gifts. They may not always be the most expensive but they are always planned and throughly thought out.

This past Christmas both kids needed new shoes and I wanted to give them shoes that were reflective of them.

My son’s shoes were much easier to do. He is obsessed with Minecraft…. OBSESSED. So I made what I call creeper shoes (it is a character in Minecraft).

I grabbed $5 slip-on from Walmart, 2 kinds of green fabric paint, chalk marker and a square stencil.

I used the stencil and the marker to create my pattern. There are other ways to make them, some have printed a creeper face and drew the squares around that. It’s a cool effect, that I will try next time. After you have your design I traced the squares and let them dry, then colored them in.

The youngest, trying to help
Total cost $12

For my daughter, I made glitter shoes! Bought more $5 Walmart shoes and did a layer of Elmer’s school glue and then glitter. I painted on the glue in small sections, so it wouldn’t dry and I immediately glittered. In between coats I allowed at least an hour of dry time and I gently brushed off any loose glitter, so it didn’t congeal with the glue. WAY more time consuming and if you don’t keep glitter at home, could be pricey. To finish the shoes I did 3 layers of just glue.

I used the bags to make it easier to apply the glue

So those are my DIY shoes! The kids loved them and they have held up really well.

Do you love homemade presents? Do you ever make them?

Quarantine #2

I had to take a mental health break from blogging. It’s kind of funny that something that I love doing can become tedious or something I dread doing. That is my depression and anxiety coming through.

It’s now April 2020 and we have been quarantined for a month. Just like the memes, we started out strong… but it’s wearing on us now

Around day 30…
I was super excited!!

I was really looking forward to homeschooling my kids but as I found out doing the packets IS NOT homeschooling. I don’t even want to go into it!

Days are redundant, we have a picky one year one year old so we watch Cars 1,2,3 or Mater Tales ALL DAY. Schoolwork, Cars, eating and backyard.

Again… and again
I am going to have all these rolls

Other than doing schoolwork, my oldest has enjoyed quarantine the most. He doesn’t have a ton of friends and his one friend is quarantined as well. He is content playing minecraft and watching YouTube all day. I make him go outside and play everyday to give his eyes a break. Honestly he would probably be ok with this awhile longer.

The baby is loving having everyone home. He gets so much attention and love. He is learning so much, he says kitty, no, yes, mama, dada, dog, car, truck. He also is making car noises.

My daughter is a totally different story. She handles schoolwork well, but does not handle being in the house at all! We have spent a small fortune on things to entertain her. I have also tried to teach her to crochet, make jewelry using UV resin, I let her make slime… which is something I never used to. Everyday she says what craft are we doing today??? I’m running out of ideas!!

My husband is working at home now, we are fortunate that he is considered essential. He is working in our closet Monday thru Friday. Poor man is extremely uncomfortable but it’s the only spot he can be on the phone and not hear everything happening in the house. Other than that he’s fine, probably a little concerned by my new online shopping addiction. But he hasn’t left me yet.

I have great days where I’m killing it and days where I cry getting out of bed. I am an introvert so being stuck in the house isn’t terrible, but I’m an empath and I feel EVERYONES emotions plus my own. So that is exhausting. But I am trying to make the best of the situation. I have started making jewelry, wire wraps and other bracelets.

First wire wrap bracelet

I have finished quite a few resin pieces, I started making YouTube videos for crafts, mostly kids stuff so far. I have been working out and trying to diet (so far my diet has consisted of EVERYTHING in the pantry). Reading books, started a new series on Netflix, playing with the kids, hanging out with the husband. Cleaning… I’m cleaning constantly, it is LITERALLY a never ending battle of cleaning.

How is your quarantine going? Are you having ups and downs or just smooth sailing?

Quarantine #1

Let’s be real. This isn’t going to be my only quarantine post.

I’m late with posting this week, my normal posting schedule is Friday and Monday. Obviously life is a little upside down for everyone right now and I’m no different.

My kids are on their second week of school at home and my husband is now working at home as well. So life is interesting. I also lost my Grandma this week, she died in her sleep after having a stroke, so I am also in mourning again.

So this past month has been rough with losing my Nanny and then my Grandma, kids being stuck in the house and now my husband.

Homeschooling has been interesting, but I’ll write about that another time. Today I want to write about the fun stuff we have been doing to not kill each other!

The older kids still have schoolwork to do so they don’t have to be entertained 24/7. I also am not the parent that restricts screen time often and that saves my sanity at this point. But even still I don’t want them staring at the TV or tablet constantly so we have tried other things

Chalk Mosaic

With some masking tape, chalk, time and patience we created this. It was actually for our neighbors to see as they are walking the neighborhood.

One of 14 anoles spotted

On nice days we are outside doing schoolwork, yardwork and spotting wildlife. We found 14 anoles in one day.

We are spending more time as a family, inside or out. Battleship, Googly Eyes Showdown, Mousetrap. Fire pits and burning things.

When we are inside we are watching movies together or crafting

I made homemade paint from flour, salt, food coloring and water for the baby. He LOVED it!

We painted our tub

That’s it for all, its not perfect but we are all living still. There are frustrations and short nerves fights between kids. But I love having my family home.

Forgot to Add

Cherish

The last blog I posted were lessons of life.

Well I forgot one. Cherish.

I lost my Nanny in February. I honestly have not gotten over that. Now, my other grandmother and my final grandparent, has had a stroke and is being moved to hospice.

Both of My Grandmas
The last time I saw my Grandma

While I have spent a lot of time with my Nanny, I did not spend much time with my Grandma in adulthood. I am going to regret not spending time with her.

So my last piece of advice is cherish.

Cherish your loved ones, your children, parents, spouses, siblings, grandparents. They grow up, move away and unfortunately die.

Cherish the moments you have; the good, the bad and the ugly. They make up your life. Make the best of it!

How do you handle grief? Do you have anything you do to to help you deal with the pain?

Lessons of Life

I turn 36 this year, and I have been reflecting on the many things my life has taught me. I decided to compile a list of things I think are important and if you have any edits or things to add I would love to see them

Me, being myself

1. Let it Go. There is nothing in this life that is worth the energy it takes to hate. It pays to be the bigger person and just let it go.

2. Believe in karma. You get back what you put out. If you are going to be a lying, cheating, POS, you are going to get what is coming to you. Also, if you encounter one of these people in your life, know they are going to get theirs(ties in with Let it Go).

3. Drink water, exercise, get sunlight. Even if you are skinny, don’t take that for granted. Exercise to be strong. It will help you in the future.

4. Travel, make rash decisions, know you are not taking money to the grave. Find what makes you happy and hold onto it. I think a lot of misery is life comes from letting your passions fall by the wayside.

5. Be yourself. That is a multifaceted statement. Dress how you want to dress, get married, don’t get married, have kids, don’t have kids, only have one, prioritize work, or work to live. Live how you want to live and love who you want. But be respectful, don’t push your beliefs and don’t expect others to change theirs because of you.

6. Commit. Whatever you decide you are going to do, be committed. You are making decisions with your life, there are going to be highs and lows. If you are married, act married, you are part of a team and no longer the only player. If you are a parent, be involved in everything. If you adopt, buy or find a pet they are a part of your life now.

7. Forgive yourself. Quite simple, you are going to make mistakes. Own it, take responsibility and forgive yourself.

8. Have faith, hope, pray. I am not pushing religion on you, but in my experience life is better when you believe in something bigger than yourself. I have developed a more intimate relationship with God and I have been much happier.

9. Be the example. Someone is watching you, someone is following your lead. If you are a parent lead by example, read instead of watching tv, get outside so you aren’t living on your couch, love yourself and others, help others, forgive, know that not every action requires a response.

10. Laugh, cry, feel, love. Life is better when you truly live it. Put yourself out there, get hurt, fall in love, set goals and achieve them. Wish upon a star and work to attain that wish.

11. Be creative. Find a creative outlet in life, art, writing, music, build something. It just has to be for you, no one else

Is Love Blind?

I have had an intense love/hate relationship with a reality show, in that I hate myself for how much I love this show.

So there is a reality show on Netflix that is taking over the world and my Facebook page.

I have opinions on the show and I will be revealing SPOILERS if you have not finished or watched the series and want to, don’t read this.

So the basis of the show are 30 people, 15 of each sex. They “meet” in pods without ever actually seeing each other unless they are engaged. Most people focused in on a select person quite quickly, but there were some hearts broken and tears cried.

When all the dates were done we were left with 6 couples: Kelly and Kenny, Jessica and Mark, Lauren and Cameron, Diamond and Carlton, Barnett and Amber, Damien and Giannina.

So after these couples are engaged, they finally meet and they are swept away to Mexico to connect physically. They are there for a week and then they have to rejoin the real world, phones and families. They have 3 weeks until their wedding.

I’ll be blunt, Diamond and Carlton are the first couple to bite the dust. Carlton is fluid, which means he has dated both sexes. He waited till they were engaged and in Mexico to tell Diamond and she felt betrayed. She tried to tell him how she felt and in my opinion she was calm and kind even though she was given quite a lot of new information. Carlton did not handle that well, he was obviously used to people judging him for his past. He just assumed that she was not ok with it and verbally attacked her. She responded to his aggression with her own aggression. There was a screaming match by the pool, where they both said mean things. So they did not make it out of Mexico.

I want to say that I am sad for Diamond and Carlton, they were a great couple. Their outfits the day he proposed matched, and that was not planned. They had these really great outgoing personalities.

I understand her not just being like “ok” that’s cool. I have been where she was, well I was dating someone, not engaged, and when he told me I freaked out a little. I had questions and fears and it took some adjustment time. That was another huge difference in our situation is TIME. I also understand Carlton’s fear to tell her, he loved her and didn’t want to lose her. He shouldn’t have had to stress about his sexuality though, he is who he is and he deserves to be loved. That fear or stress does not in any way justify how he reacted though, he verbally attacked her and said nasty things.

I’m really upset how people have reacted to both of them. They have gotten death threats and that is total BS. This is a TV show, but these are REAL people, who have lives and real feelings. That’s all I’m going to say about that.

Kenny and Kelly were the couple that did not make it that actually surprised me. They honestly were so perfect that it was almost boring. Even when they met each other parents, there was no drama. Their parents supported their relationship 100%. Apparently Kelly wasn’t physically attracted to Kenny enough and when it came time to their wedding she said no. When it came time for the reunion Kenny was in a serious relationship and very happy and Kelly was single and full of regret. That is really all that needs to be said, Kenny was great and Kelly made a dumb mistake.

Kelly, intense attraction is not something that lasts forever. There are ups and downs in relationships, what is amazing is the intense emotional connection that you get with open, honest communication and time spent together that beats any intense physical attraction.

Mark and Jessica… mark and jessica… jessica, jessica, jessica…. oh messica

Most of the memes about this show are about Jessica and Mark. I could write a novel about all the issues and red flags but I don’t want to. Jessica and Mark connected on their very first date. Anyone watching could see there was a “spark”. Well Jessica also fell for Barnett but in a flirty and fun way; there was nothing substantial there. Barnett said something dumb, she “broke” it off with Mark and was ready to fully commit to Barnett. He backtracked and she went crawling back to Mark, basically so she didn’t end up alone. When he took her back he said “I know my worth and I’m no one’s second choice”<—— I paraphrased. He then spent like 6 more (extremely uncomfortable, for us) episodes literally being the obvious second choice.

Mark, seriously man, learn your worth. There were so many red flags that he ignored and then had the audacity to act surprised that she said “no” at their wedding.

Jessica, at the reunion you said you realized that you needed help and I hope you are serious. You have a drinking problem, you strung poor Mark around like a (blind) puppy. You threw yourself at an engaged man, lied to his fiance about it and blamed it on the whiskey.

But the worst thing you did Messica… is GIVE YOUR DOG WINE!!! That is not ok dude… major party foul. Jessica you are a beautiful (on the outside) woman. Get your shit together.

Damien and Giannina. I honestly love this couple. If you have watched the show I know it sounds crazy because they seem to have issues, but I honestly think it was a lot of how the footage was cut. I can also tell that Damien isn’t normally a very open and emotional person and GiGi brings that out of him and it bothers him. Gigi is also extremely passionate and a fighter, in every aspect of her life. Sheis like a real life Telemundo character, always yelling and being dramatic. When she went all in for this relationship she went ALL IN. People have mentioned that her behavior is gaslighting or abusive, I disagree. It’s not perfect, but I don’t think it’s out of malice, maybe lack of maturity. Damien can be a stereotypical white guy, quiet and to himself. He’s kind of boring on screen, but in interviews Gigi says he is actually hilarious.

I just need to say to GiGi, butterflies don’t last boo. If you want butterflies don’t get married or have kids because telling your husband the same thing over and over or listening to him snore while you are up with a screaming newborn for the 7th time in one night KILLS all the butterflies… they dead. True love outlasts those butterflies though

Damien is actually very mature and risks losing GG on their wedding day because he says NO!! He tries to tell her why, but not before her Telemundo exit, running out of the building, crying, falling, yelling. Happily though, they are together, just not married. They are taking their time.

Amber and Barnett

I did not like these 2 at first. I honestly thought she was a gold digger or at least someone who was just there to see how much she could get for herself. I thought Barnett was a f@$kboy, there is no better way of saying that. I started to like him more as the show progressed. He stayed faithful completely to Amber, even though Jessica was throwing herself at him. He was obviously not trying to start drama because he didn’t tell Amber what was happening with Messica. He is the kind of guy who wants to avoid the unnecessary drama, but he married a literal firecracker. During the show, they made Amber look pretty irresponsible and lazy. She didn’t have a job and she has student loans and a maxed out Sephora credit card. But in interviews since, she has told her side. She also was completely honest at the reunion when she talked about marriage expectations and confronting Jessica. She mentioned that being married wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows and that she had considered a divorce before she realized that what they needed was to talk to each other. I think that took bravery to admit that. She also let Jessica know that she is a “shiesty bitch”, her words, that I may have spelled incorrectly. She was attacked online because she wasn’t quiet and just let it go, but honestly I wouldn’t have. This woman pretended to be your friend, lied to your face and tried to undermine your relationship?? That is not ok, and needs to be addressed.

So now I am in love with the Barnetts and I am wishing them love and happiness.

Now for America’s version of royalty…. Lauren and Cameron

Honestly I don’t have much to say about these 2. They are solid, they are beautiful, they are perfect for each other. They are obviously an interracial couple and there are challenges with that. I have experienced that myself, very real and sometimes disheartening. But the way these 2 fit… its unreal

All I can say for them is God bless. I can not wait to see pictures of the beautiful angels you create together. They will have their own YouTube channel and post videos, can’t wait!!

So what was your take on the show? Who is your favorite couple? Do you think any of them will make it?