Embarrassing myself

Let us talk about cheating.

I have been cheated on several times in my relationships in different degrees, physically and emotionally and they both suck. That is very embarrassing to even write because cheating is not spoken of directly. It is always hidden, kept secret. I had someone tell me to not post on social media about being cheated on because “I don’t want to embarrass myself”

WHY…. Why should I be embarrassed because someone else did something inappropriate, selfish and wrong.

Why do I have to keep their indiscretion a secret when it is all I can think about? My life as I know it is destroyed, my trust betrayed, the fragile state of my confidence blown away. It is the only thought swirling around in my brain at 2am. The events replay in my nightmares. I will literally never be the same person I was, and I can’t talk about it.

Is it my fault? It has happened in more than one relationship… so am I the problem? Is there something wrong with me.

I mean I have been given the gambit of excuses, you let yourself go, you are not the same, you haven’t shown me love. And in their mind, I am just supposed to deal with it. They have justified their actions and that is that. There has been some “remorse” but how real is that?

I become obsessed with not letting it happen again (and spoiler… it ALWAYS does) I try to be the “perfect” partner and I do everything I think they want. I always try to lose weight because obviously being fat has something to do with them “stepping out”. I tell myself to accept some responsibility, but I take the blame. I believe that it is my fault and I start to hate myself and try to be someone, anyone else.

Weeks, sometimes months go by with this very unhealthy behavior and then my mental health starts to deteriorate rapidly. I become exhausted all the time, but I can never sleep. I cry at the drop of a hat. I get angry and I start to hate everything.

My laptop crashed, went black and never came back. My husband moved my computer’s hard drive to a separate removable one. I was going through the contents looking for something specific and I came across these stories I had written. They all dealt with cheating. They were terribly written, kind of humorous, but I can feel the emotions still.

I write all of this to say, if you have been cheated on, if you have felt that hurt or are currently suffering through. I understand.

Also, it is not your fault. Don’t listen to their BS. You are not to blame.

My advice is to love yourself. Find yourself again, you may be lost right now. Go back to being fun and fancy free. To hell with anyone that tries to steal your thunder or your sunshine.

Just Be You.

Advice… don’t get mad or even. The best revenge will always be to move on with your life, your happiness will be salt into their wound. Karma does not always punish cheaters, it is just something you are going to have to deal with. If you decide to cover their Jeep in gasoline and set it on fire remember to not use matches AND there will be some blow back…

also that is illegal and you will go to jail when you are caught. Destroying personal property only works in movies and songs.

Author: bonniemalicki

I am a re-married mom of 3 kids, 2 cats and 5 rats!! I have started an art business with my mom, I am a part time dog and baby sitter. My husband and I just bought a house and we are figuring out homeownership, marriage and parenting a baby (again for me... it's been awhile) together. This blog is just for fun to talk about our journey; the trials and tribulations of everything we have going on!

2 thoughts on “Embarrassing myself”

  1. Gosh, I don’t see how it could be embarrassing – as you said, it’s THEM who are doing wrong. 😦 My husband was cheated on by his ex-wife, with his dang friend…it killed his self esteem for a long time. It’s taken 22 years of me loving him to help him see that he is worth loving and that I’m never, ever going to cheat on him. I told him from the very beginning that there is NO excuse, ZERO excuse for cheating – if you are that unhappy, or you “need” something more than you are getting, then LEAVE and go find it. Man up (or woman up, lol) and get a damn divorce. Don’t sneak around, spreading disease and impregnating people. I won’t do it to you and you better not do it to me! No excuse. Oh, it’s too hard to go through a divorce, don’t want to lose the kids? Then WORK on the marriage, duh!!
    Sorry, I feel a little bit passionate about this topic, as you can see.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I feel the same way. It breaks you and you are forever changed… damaged. I tried to stay and work on the marriage “for the sake of the kids” but you can’t fix that. I will continue to heal and grow, but your right, its not embarrassing

      Like

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