May the 4th Be With You

I started writing this back in May right before Disney+ released The Rise of Skywalker; hence the name, but I didn’t love the blog and I kept it in the archives for awhile. We spent that weekend watching all of the Star Wars movies in order in preparation for the Last Skywalker movie.

I started watching Star Wars movies when I was a young kid, single digit age. If I’m being honest, I don’t think I enjoyed them much; it was more of a “forced family fun” thing.

As I got a little older I started asking questions and I had an actual understanding of what was going on. My enjoyment of the story line grew and I started to love watching the movies. But the real draw of Star Wars was always my dad.

He would always get so excited and animated when he talked about the movies and the characters. He remembers waiting in line to see the original three movies in theaters. So watching the movies was not necessarily about the movies, but about my dad sharing memories of his childhood with us.

I think that is why they have such a significant role in my life and my brothers’ lives. His memories of childhood became ours. We collected the toys, had our own lightsabers, quoted movie lines(which we still do).

As more movies were released we extended our marathons. We created more memories with family movie trips. In adulthood my siblings and I introduced our children to the movies that we loved and created a new generation of Star Wars nerds.

Its funny to think that movies can create such strong emotional connections to a certain time and place, but they can. I even remember hating my parents for making me watch them and now I hope that I can create such fond memories/feeling for my kids as well!

Are there any movies that hold a significance in your life because of your parents?

Homeschooling

I have wanted to homeschool for years and I am taking advantage of the insanity of the world to make it happen.

My desire to homeschool started when my oldest was in first grade the first time. He struggled A LOT with reading, writing, social interaction,  and well, just about everything.

My take away from that disastrous year was I wanted to homeschool him. I wanted to teach him in a way that he would benefit, understand and enjoy. But I was a single mom and it was my job to work.

Flash forward about 4 years and I am remarried and a stay at home mom during a pandemic where it became the “it” thing to homeschool. I jumped on the bandwagon!

I went back and forth over my decision, got input from my husband and family. Some super supportive some really hurtful. I researched requirements and costs associated. Being a one income family, I wanted to keep our costs low.

My first step was being added to homeschool groups on FB. Specifically groups in my area. Those moms have so much knowledge and experience it was great to ask their opinions. In our state it is required that we are in a homeschool association so I researched those extensively and asked for recommendations.

After deciding on an association I started to research co-ops. I didn’t even know that co-ops were a thing, (total newbie) but they are and they are EXPENSIVE. I was looking at these prices and my mind was blown. I could not afford all of that. The main takeaway for co-ops seemed to be social interaction.

Well we live in a social media day and age soooooooo I hoped on my trusty Facebook and BLAMO!!!! Playdates that are free and possibly fun for me.

So all that was left was the curriculum (and whatever supplies I needed). When you start looking at curriculums make sure your association does not require a certain one, or have it be religious (I went secular for my curriculum… I teach God outside of school). Also check what proof they require, I need calendar days tracked, and proof of their work.

So I started my search where I always start my search… Amazon… and Amazon told me that curriculums are EXPENSIVE. They were a complete WTF moment.

3 of these are ONE subject!

Enter more peoples opinions, I was told online public school was free?! Worth a looking into…. But they are all online and you are logged in for hours in front of a computer screen and you have to go at the school’s pace. For my daughter that probably would have worked, but for my son, not so much.

Back to the face place to stalk the answers about curriculums and it seemed most moms (who were not doing religious based learning) made up their own…. but how??? This is where I am semi proud of myself (the diet coke of proud). I went to the Dept of Education website for our state and found what they require!! That easy. I pieced together my own curriculum.

If you get it…..

I bought things from the dollar store, Five Below, Amazon (has digital teaching items) and I found videos on YouTube to make learning more interesting and less mommy monotonous. Teacherspayteachers.com has free downloads, they are not entire curriculums but they are some worksheets you can use to insure comprehension.

So we have been “in school” since 8/3, Monday thru Friday, except for 2 days when I thought I was dying of Corona. My son loves homeschooling and is actually retaining information. He still struggles with writing so I’m hoping to have to research how to help him there. My daughter hates it, but only because she isn’t with her friends. She is excelling and because I make up the curriculum she can move ahead.

Not every day is perfect, I am learning quickly though what works and what doesn’t for them. I am praying that we are successful and that I am showing them learning can be fun. This on-going experience is reminding me what amazing kids I have, and for that I am forever grateful.

Remembering 9/11

This will definitely not be the only homeschool blog, I want to talk fied trips and money saving tips. If you have any questions, feel free to ask. I am obviously not an expert but I have a team of them on my Facebook pages!

Embarrassing myself

Let us talk about cheating.

I have been cheated on several times in my relationships in different degrees, physically and emotionally and they both suck. That is very embarrassing to even write because cheating is not spoken of directly. It is always hidden, kept secret. I had someone tell me to not post on social media about being cheated on because “I don’t want to embarrass myself”

WHY…. Why should I be embarrassed because someone else did something inappropriate, selfish and wrong.

Why do I have to keep their indiscretion a secret when it is all I can think about? My life as I know it is destroyed, my trust betrayed, the fragile state of my confidence blown away. It is the only thought swirling around in my brain at 2am. The events replay in my nightmares. I will literally never be the same person I was, and I can’t talk about it.

Is it my fault? It has happened in more than one relationship… so am I the problem? Is there something wrong with me.

I mean I have been given the gambit of excuses, you let yourself go, you are not the same, you haven’t shown me love. And in their mind, I am just supposed to deal with it. They have justified their actions and that is that. There has been some “remorse” but how real is that?

I become obsessed with not letting it happen again (and spoiler… it ALWAYS does) I try to be the “perfect” partner and I do everything I think they want. I always try to lose weight because obviously being fat has something to do with them “stepping out”. I tell myself to accept some responsibility, but I take the blame. I believe that it is my fault and I start to hate myself and try to be someone, anyone else.

Weeks, sometimes months go by with this very unhealthy behavior and then my mental health starts to deteriorate rapidly. I become exhausted all the time, but I can never sleep. I cry at the drop of a hat. I get angry and I start to hate everything.

My laptop crashed, went black and never came back. My husband moved my computer’s hard drive to a separate removable one. I was going through the contents looking for something specific and I came across these stories I had written. They all dealt with cheating. They were terribly written, kind of humorous, but I can feel the emotions still.

I write all of this to say, if you have been cheated on, if you have felt that hurt or are currently suffering through. I understand.

Also, it is not your fault. Don’t listen to their BS. You are not to blame.

My advice is to love yourself. Find yourself again, you may be lost right now. Go back to being fun and fancy free. To hell with anyone that tries to steal your thunder or your sunshine.

Just Be You.

Advice… don’t get mad or even. The best revenge will always be to move on with your life, your happiness will be salt into their wound. Karma does not always punish cheaters, it is just something you are going to have to deal with. If you decide to cover their Jeep in gasoline and set it on fire remember to not use matches AND there will be some blow back…

also that is illegal and you will go to jail when you are caught. Destroying personal property only works in movies and songs.

The Game is On

“You have the grand gift of silence Watson”—- this movie should be pretty easy to guess

So I have developed a… slight…. obsession with Sherlock the tv show.

I basically have this on 24/7

Which has actually turned into a general obsession with Sherlock Holmes. I have always been a reader, but after having kids it’s hard to concentrate on a book.

Toddlers are deadly to books!

What is also getting in the wayof my reading, is my desire to have a clean house or lesson planning for homeschool or creating my art pieces, blogging, making YouTube videos and everything else I need to squeeze in while Tobias sleeps. So I started LISTENING to books!!

I do realize that audiobooks have been around for awhile but I had never listened to one before because I was pretentious and thought that reading the book was better.

If you pay for Amazon Prime you get access to Prime Reading and they actually offer FREE audio books! So while I am doing one of the 1000 things in my life I can actually listen to the stories

It’s been great hearing the actual stories and compare them to the episodes!!

My husband actually introduced me to Sherlock when we first moved in together and at first I was like, ehhh… it’s ok. But as the seasons progressed and as I got to know the characters I fell in love! And my oldest son loves the show too, so it gives us an opportunity for some adultish conversation.

Because my husband loves me, he indulges in my obsessions and he took me to see the Sherlock Holmes exhibit at the state museum.

Creepy kids
We got to see props and solve a murder
It was a fun and interactive experience
My hubs got me a new coffee mug
I’m Sherlock Holmes! I wear the damn hat.

Do you have any shows that you love or shows that have inspired you to read?

The answer is Snow White!!

Whistle While You Work

Imagine that the broom
Is someone that you love and soon you’ll find you’re dancing to the tune — Name that movie

I broke the broom to the tune of my tears

Do you know the song with the lyrics “ain’t no rest for the wicked”? That seems to sum up my life these days. I am either paying for transgressions from my past lives or I have been far worse a person than I realized in this one.

I’m not living a wild or fun nightlife… I’m cleaning. You read that correctly. I am up super late at night or up very early in the morning(sometimes both) to clean my house.

And these late night/ early mornings are not maintaining a clean house, oh no. These are to actually CLEAN the house.

I have never been a person to keep things clean, I was a slob. I really didn’t start caring about cleanliness (just of the house… I do very much believe in bathing) until I moved in with my friend. She is such a OCD clean person I felt so guilty that her house was always a mess because my slob crew (2 kids and a fiancee) moved in.

That was when a new reason to be stressed or anxious joined my already impressive repertoire.

I’ve been even more stressed ever since.

The accuracy

So I lose sleep because the best time to clean is when no one else is around to bother me, ask me questions or piss me off because they are sitting on their ass while I’m running around like a chicken without its head.

I thought after I quit my job and became a stay at home mom that this cleanliness thing would be so much easier… excuse me while I pee my pants laughing. Between being surrounded by 4 slobs and 2 disastrous cats, being a pack rat, having crazy cleaning ADD, and being a crafter of so many things NOTHING ever stays clean. And I do clean throughout the day in any way my 18 month old will let me, but nothing stays clean.

So to you clean people (especially SAHMs with children home) I envy you. I want to be you, well be like you… I don’t want to wear your skin to my birthday or anything…. but I’m jealous

It just passed actually

But I need to stop writing now, the floor I just scrubbed on my hands and knees is now cover in glitter. Apparently my daughter thought filling a balloon with glitter was a great idea and the cat just popped the balloon. SEND HELP

Oh and the answer from my last post is Swan Princess

It’s not what it seems

Eric…. it’s not what it seems…. it’s not what it seems —- name that movie

I took a hiatus from blogging this summer. It was a good decision, I went to a pretty dark place. Also, life was boring.

The Corona summer is coming to an end and it has sucked. Probably the worse summer ever. We’ve been bored, stuck in the house, lazy, depressed.

To end the summer with a bang I got sick, really, really sick. I was struggling to catch my breath, I had a fever, stomach issues, dizziness, my throat was killing me, my head was killing me and I was so sore… and I had a cough… smokers with emphysema have a milder cough.

These symptoms completely knocked me on my ass for almost a week before I got tested for Covid. There were moments I thought I was going to die, I was so weak and I couldn’t breathe. I was sure I had caught the plague.

But, things were not what they seemed and it was just the flu. It took a solid 2 weeks to feel better, but I survived!

Summertime highlights:

  • I started a Beachbody program and finished 4 weeks before I fell down the stairs and broke my toes.
  • We finally laid my Nanny to rest.
  • Went to Pennsylvania for the first time in 4 years, saw family I hadn’t seen in over 15 years.
  • I went to the beach twice
  • Got to see fireworks
  • My daughter’s lyra performance was beautiful
  • Both my boys went through huge growth spurts
  • Started a YouTube channel
  • Gained a bunch of weight after breaking my toes and almost have 3 chins
  • Watched The Last Airbender and Legend of Korra, love the first and not the second
  • Watched New Girl again and realized I only watch it for CeCe and Schmidt’s storyline. Jess is super annoying
  • Got really into Twilight again and have watched all the movies A LOT and have re read the first 2 books so far

So that was basically my summer. Oh yeah it was just my birthday and I turned 36. Normally I would post a picture of my face and write something cute about how I look, but there is nothing cute about how I look right now… too much weight, acne from wearing masks, bags under my eyes from lack of sleep and my hair is in frightening disarray.

It’s been a rough summer but we are falling into my favorite time of the year. The kids and I are successfully homeschooling and I think good things are on the way!!

How was your summer?

I’ll reveal the source of my movie quote in the next blog!

Father’s Day

Happy Father’s day to all the men doing the most important job in the world!!

I want to take this time to thank the important fathers in my life.

First off, I want to say a special thanks to my sperm donor. The man whom I have never actually had a conversation with. He left my mom when I was a baby and that was it. So seriously THANK YOU for leaving. You are clearly not someone I needed in my life and because you left I got my dad.

To the only man I have called Dad, thank you. Thank you doesn’t really cut it. You stepped up and took on the challenge that is me when you were so young. You sacrificed so much for all of us. You taught me about good music, football and politics. You showed me how much you love me time and time again. We have butt heads more than once, and they are some pretty fond memories now, lol. I love you.

To the father of my older kids, thank you! I love being a mom and I love being their mom. We don’t see eye to eye on things but our love for them is never ending. Between our drama there are good memories that I will never forget.

Finally to my husband. Where do I start? You started being a dad before we were even married. You love all three of our kids so much and do anything for them. So much so that Mackenzie is aware she has you wrapped around her finger, lol. You go above and beyond on a daily basis. You bust your ass to make sure we have an amazing life. I love watching you to learn how to parent a baby/toddler. The joy on Tobias’ face when he sees you after work and listening to the kids run to give you a hug are some of my favorite moments. I love you.

Happy Father’s day!

June 15th

I was scanning my Facebook memories, as I do each day, but this day was different.

Apparently June 15th I feel compelled to upload a selfie roughly every 2 years.

A five year history of me

I started looking at the pictures and thinking about the different things happening in my life at each point.

June 2015- I was almost 2 yrs out of my first marriage and I had tried dating for the first time that year… it didn’t go well. I was exercising about 5 days a week, 30lbs down from 2 yrs prior. I was working a job that I loved. I wore makeup….I was feeling myself!  My life was about to change drastically though and it would propel me into the life I’m living now.

June 2017- I was living in a new state, at a new store, now a POG team lead.  I had gained ALL 30lbs back and more. I was dating my now husband and we were about to move in together. I loved my job, but the position was about to disappear and I was TIRED constantly.

June 2019- I am married again, a new homeowner and I had a baby back in January. I am getting barely any sleep, can’t even open my eyes completely and about 10 min after this picture is taken I am told how lazy of a mom I am (by my daughter) because I don’t want to take the kids to the pool. Mom guilt pushed me and my terrible self esteem to squeeze my fat ass into a swimsuit. It wasn’t a fun day for me at all.

June 2020…. where do I even start??? Ignoring the world around me that’s burning down. I’m actually doing well. I’ve gotten serious about losing ALL the weight over gained. Mentally I have great days and terrible days but I’m recovering faster than ever. I have an amazing support group and I feel strong. I’m remembering my self worth comes from me and I am not letting anyone’s hurtful actions ruin that again! I am doing this for me.

I’m going to be pushing myself to work on my business, I am hoping to start gaining some financial independence while being at home with the kids. We are homeschooling this upcoming year and I am excited for this new challenge. Getting out of my comfort zone to better my kids.

Do you ever reflect on your past and how it has brought you to where you are now? Do you still have hope for 2020, or have you given up??

Facebook Free

I have quit the Facebooks

I had been considering cutting Facebook out of my life for a few weeks and I have finally pulled the trigger, so to speak.

And by pulling the trigger, I mean I deleted it off my phone…. if I was sending a message I would insert a face-palming emoji here. It’s so funny how far my life has come. When I first started my social media journey I was fresh out of high school and using my parent’s computer (also that was Myspace). Now I have apps on my phone so I can check into any social media I want 100 times a day.

It has become an obsession, an addiction and it’s not healthy. I am guilty of posting things just for likes, or comments. I need the engagement, I crave it, I get disappointed if a post doesn’t receive a lot of attention.

I am almost 36 years old…. that should not be a factor in my day. I judge myself CONSTANTLY for being so shallow.

But I am taking a break, I doubt I’ll delete my account permanently. As I have already discovered my entire social life is organized through Facebook. Homeschooling events and my workout group are all on there.

My goal is to disengage, other than neccessary events, as long as possible. I want to track what I do with my time besides scrolling through memes and others lives.

Have you ever quit social media for awhile? Or do you not use social media?

Goodbye to my independence

I said goodbye to my car yesterday. I cried hard about it too. Which I know for some may be really strange but this car meant a lot to me.

She’s all cleaned out and ready to go

When I left my first husband it was not a mutual parting. I had my kids, some clothes and very little else. The car I did have had to be scrapped.

I was starting a new life with nothing of my own. I moved back in with my parents, got a job and started saving. The pride of having a job was great, but I still had nothing of my own. I was using my mom’s car to go to work. If I wanted to go anywhere else I had to ask my mother’s permission to use her car… I was 30…

Fast forward about 9 months and I got this beauty.

Her first picture as mine!

The kids and I took this car to museums, the mall, the movies. We had adventures and personal Frozen concerts. We took trips to see my Nanny.

It’s just a car to a lot of people but for me, it was personal pride and independence. I felt better about myself and I felt I was a better example for my kids.

I loved her. The memories we made in that car will not soon be forgotten.

With that I have to say what I always say in these situations.

That’ll do pig….