Prioritize

I haven’t posted in almost 2 weeks. I have felt a bit overwhelmed and the first things I stop are my creative outlets (which I don’t recommend). When the house is gross and the kids are acting up and the husband walks around with blinders “not seeing” the problems, the last thing I “feel” is being creative.

I haven’t had the energy to do much beyond the necessary, just smile and wave boys… smile and wave.

There is evidence all over the house of things I have attempted to do or clean. The floor streamer in the living room, broom in the dining room, contents of our homeschooling cabinet littered all over because I was going to organize.

That being said I have been spending more time with the kids. We went to the state museum, we’ve been to the park a couple of times and generally we are spending more time outside.

Fell asleep on the way to the park
Throwing paint at canvas
Met a friend at the museum

So life isn’t terrible and I am prioritizing the kids, it gets me through even the worst bout. Sometimes everything gets to be too much and you have to step back and remember what really matters.

I hope you are all well!

How You Doin….

So I am going to do a life update, I feel like a lot has happened since the beginning of March. Matt and I joined a gym transformation challenge. Its 6 weeks, you need to attend at least 4 workouts a week and the workouts are 50mins. They have childcare, which is completely neccessary for me. The workouts are INTENSE but amazing! I have really been enjoying putting in the work.

My husband actually joined the challenge as well! Super proud of him for jumping in with me. Of course, I’m also jealous because he has been having better results than me… despite the fact that I work out more often, constantly on my feet during the day and I eat better. It’s fine, I’m fine…

Just a normal day….

Adding to the working out, I have also been walking. I have done 3 official 5ks so far this year and I have earned medals for walking a certain distance in a certain amount of time

My medals so far this year!

I am super excited to say that we are going to the Vincent Van Gogh exhibit that is working it’s way around the US.

I am and have been obsessed with Vincent Van Gogh for a really long time, particularly Starry Night (basic, I know). But I can’t help it… I have Starry Night leggings, shoes and decor in my house

This is just a taste

Also, one of my besties is coming to the show with us, so that makes it even more special.

She is my cheerleader, always has my back!

In more exciting news, our library has opened back up!! It has been closed for renovations for over a year. And I am happy to say it’s been open for a couple of weeks and we have already been twice.

Some of my current obsessions I am learning about! Matt and I are watching Vikings right now and the show has definitely sparked an interest in learning more.

Well, I think that is all my life right now. I hope everyone is safe and thriving!

We’re in the End Game

Yes, yes we are

Halloween has passed, which means it’s Christmas time!! Lol, I kid… sort of

Me

This past week did not go the way I wanted at all. I have sciatica and this past week it flared up for 5 days so for 5 days I could barely move without being in extreme pain. So any and all plans I had fell through.

Well almost every plan. I had to make my daughter’s Halloween costume and like a true procrastinator I waited until the week before to even start. She wanted to be Harley Quinn and at first I vetoed that idea because she is only 9 and Harley costumes tend to be sexy but I came around to the idea if I could make the costume myself.

Grabbed these from Amazon

I tried dying them with Rit and that did not work well AT ALL. So I decided to paint the clothes with acrylic paint and that worked surprisingly well!

I have decided that I won’t be putting my kids face’s on here anymore. People can download your pictures right off your blog… I didn’t know that.

I also did 3 mock classes for VIPKIDS, still trying to get approved to teach. I am not happy that I haven’t passed yet. But I’m hoping that it will all be worth it! I am excited to have a job again and financially contribute to the household. My next mock class is tomorrow night so happy thought would be appreciated.

Halloween was pretty amazing, our neighborhood went all out this year. The kids got 3 giant bowls of candy!

Just a random pic of my 2 biggest

The kids are learning about Native American history this month. I am pretty excited for the crafts I have planned and we will probably take another trip to the State Museum for some hands on learning.

NanoWriMo started yesterday!! Matt and I are both very excited, I got 1832 words logged day one and Matt logged in over 650. I stayed up later last night to type more.

The baby has balanitis. I spent 2 hours at urgent care yesterday to get him diagnosed. I hate when my babies are sick and this particular child does not take meds well… so this is going to be a struggle. He is on liquid antibiotics, tylenol and ibuprofen for pain/fever. He also had 2 creams that I need to apply to the infected area several times a day.

So our November is full already! I have to start taking down Halloween decorations and getting Christmas ones ready to go up.

How was everyone’s week? Do you have any exciting plans for November? When do you put up Christmas decorations??

This Week

I’ve been watching the Sex and the City movies the last few days. It takes me more than one day to finish them because I have kids and they are SUPER inappropriate. I have to stop them every time the kids come in the room.

It’s 7am and no body is awake yet! That is basically unheard of in this.  house, all 3 kids are early risers.

Usually I use this time to clean because I have 3 kids and my house is always a mess, but today I decided to give myself a break. I’m eating Fruity Pebble knock offs and I’m watching an adult movie that I don’t have to pause every 5 minutes…

There is heaven on Earth.

I kid, lol. I probably gained 5 lbs from one bowl of cereal and my house is still a mess so not really heaven.

This week is a typical one, school, organized playdates, lyra, judo/jujitsu/kickboxing, laundry, cleaning, cooking, scheduling doctor’s appointments, finishing a piece for a customer and all the other things I add to my life unnecessarily. And all of these are done on broken toes. 3 broken toes.

Yeah… 3 on two feet. Long story short, I rebroke the toes that I broke this summer and then broke a toe on my other foot by trying to protect my already broken toes and dropping a heavy metal object on ANOTHER toe. And let me tell you what… they HURT. They hurt more this time than they did last time.

Some of the unnecessary things I have added to my list, my DIY Halloween decorations and a blog about them, we make crafts for a hospice(this is extra but in my opinion necessary), NaNoWriMo(but I LOVE IT) and walking a 5k… plans were made before my toes decided to look like pudding, and VOTING!!

These are some of the things I have added to my plate and though they are not actually necessary, I WANT to do them.

The problem that I face is because I WANT to do them they get pushed back to the background OR what I have done this week ignore some of the things like cleaning to do them. I don’t have enough time in my life, haha.

Making a ghost with cheesecloth
A different way to make a ghost
Cute crafts
My customers piece
Trying to make hot chocolate bombs!
Performed my civic duty

I said duty…

Have a great weekend! What do you guys have planned

Feeling Overwhelmed

I was supposed to do a blog post on Weds for Bonnie’s Book Club. If you were anticipating that, I apologize. I’ve been a little overwhelmed.

I have been biting off more than I can chew lately, it’s a pretty constant problem in my life. I constantly want to go go go but I put so much on my plate, then my depression kicks in so I get NOTHING done. My anxiety then let’s me know what a worthless POS I am and we go round and round.

BUT some great things are slowly happening… the kids and I got some Halloween decorations up

We got some much needed yard work done, we chopped down 5 trees and sprayed the weeds, I might need to do that again.

I have lost 6lbs!! I know that is a seemingly minor victory BUT for me it’s pretty huge.

Homeschool is going… ok… ish… there are great days and days when the kids and I scream at each other. We finally got to the library (our local is closed for renovations). The closest one we can go to is 45min away… and it is in a temporary building. But it was great to get new books!

I have done SO MANY LOADS OF LAUNDRY this week. I gave clothes away, donated some can goods.

I have been working really hard to get my life in order, but I still have SO MUCH TO DO.

That’s where I am this Friday night. I hope you all have a fantastic weekend!! Got any definite plans? We have 90% chance of rain so we are staying in.

My Name is….

I have been a stay at home mom for about 3.5 years of the ten years I have been a mom. This is probably the path I will walk for awhile.

To those who are not a SAHM this blog is probably going to come off as whiny. I LOVE my kids as any mom will say, but sometimes I need to be a human person and not just “mom”.

When I was a single mom and working a full time job, missing important moments in my kids lives I would have given anything to be able to be at home with them. Now that I am home 24/7, I miss having my own money and having actual time to myself. Literally a single trip to the grocery store seems like a freaking vacation. A shower that I don’t have company or interruptions is unheard of. I don’t even poop without an audience.

I tried to orchestrate time for myself so I could be home alone, oldest 2 were at a sleepover and I had my husband take the baby to an indoor jump house but he (the baby) fell asleep in the car and they came back home. Immediately upon arriving home baby is awake and completely underfoot. I just wanted a couple of hours to clean the house without distractions. I wasn’t even doing anything fun.

Even as I am writing this I have been interrupted at least 3 times, some how paint got spilled upstairs and I needed to check it out and now my list contains how to get paint out of carpet AND find all the paint—->get rid of it. The baby is not happy that I am sitting at the desk and he is unable to be the center of attention, so he is sitting next to me screaming and crying. My husband is telling me about any funny video or meme he comes across on Facebook or YouTube.

My brain is in constant overload and I am already planning next week. My son was trying to make me feel better and he said, at least tomorrow is Saturday!! What does that mean to me??? More cleaning, laundry and zero downtime, but at least the kids don’t have school and my husband doesn’t have work; so they will all be there to help make MORE of a mess!!

It is funny to think that I was less stressed while working… but that really isn’t it at all. I was even more stressed, but I was an actual person at work. I wasn’t just, “fix my problems, pay attention to me, he hit me, baby crying, the house is a mess, what’s for dinner, when did we change the filters last, are you going to do laundry, you wanna…..?”

And I still don’t want a job outside of the home, I love that I get to be there for all the important moments of my kids lives. I can be more supportive of my husband. I get to homeschool my kids and give them hands on attention, which they desperately need. I can control their learning, in the sense that as my daughter excels I can give her harder material or when my son is struggling I can give him extra time on something.

I am constantly in a battle of sorts in my mind. I love being there but I want more than just being MOM…. my name is Bonnie.

MY NAME IS BONNIE.

I put fake eyelashes on… and immediately took them off

Embarrassing myself

Let us talk about cheating.

I have been cheated on several times in my relationships in different degrees, physically and emotionally and they both suck. That is very embarrassing to even write because cheating is not spoken of directly. It is always hidden, kept secret. I had someone tell me to not post on social media about being cheated on because “I don’t want to embarrass myself”

WHY…. Why should I be embarrassed because someone else did something inappropriate, selfish and wrong.

Why do I have to keep their indiscretion a secret when it is all I can think about? My life as I know it is destroyed, my trust betrayed, the fragile state of my confidence blown away. It is the only thought swirling around in my brain at 2am. The events replay in my nightmares. I will literally never be the same person I was, and I can’t talk about it.

Is it my fault? It has happened in more than one relationship… so am I the problem? Is there something wrong with me.

I mean I have been given the gambit of excuses, you let yourself go, you are not the same, you haven’t shown me love. And in their mind, I am just supposed to deal with it. They have justified their actions and that is that. There has been some “remorse” but how real is that?

I become obsessed with not letting it happen again (and spoiler… it ALWAYS does) I try to be the “perfect” partner and I do everything I think they want. I always try to lose weight because obviously being fat has something to do with them “stepping out”. I tell myself to accept some responsibility, but I take the blame. I believe that it is my fault and I start to hate myself and try to be someone, anyone else.

Weeks, sometimes months go by with this very unhealthy behavior and then my mental health starts to deteriorate rapidly. I become exhausted all the time, but I can never sleep. I cry at the drop of a hat. I get angry and I start to hate everything.

My laptop crashed, went black and never came back. My husband moved my computer’s hard drive to a separate removable one. I was going through the contents looking for something specific and I came across these stories I had written. They all dealt with cheating. They were terribly written, kind of humorous, but I can feel the emotions still.

I write all of this to say, if you have been cheated on, if you have felt that hurt or are currently suffering through. I understand.

Also, it is not your fault. Don’t listen to their BS. You are not to blame.

My advice is to love yourself. Find yourself again, you may be lost right now. Go back to being fun and fancy free. To hell with anyone that tries to steal your thunder or your sunshine.

Just Be You.

Advice… don’t get mad or even. The best revenge will always be to move on with your life, your happiness will be salt into their wound. Karma does not always punish cheaters, it is just something you are going to have to deal with. If you decide to cover their Jeep in gasoline and set it on fire remember to not use matches AND there will be some blow back…

also that is illegal and you will go to jail when you are caught. Destroying personal property only works in movies and songs.

Whistle While You Work

Imagine that the broom
Is someone that you love and soon you’ll find you’re dancing to the tune — Name that movie

I broke the broom to the tune of my tears

Do you know the song with the lyrics “ain’t no rest for the wicked”? That seems to sum up my life these days. I am either paying for transgressions from my past lives or I have been far worse a person than I realized in this one.

I’m not living a wild or fun nightlife… I’m cleaning. You read that correctly. I am up super late at night or up very early in the morning(sometimes both) to clean my house.

And these late night/ early mornings are not maintaining a clean house, oh no. These are to actually CLEAN the house.

I have never been a person to keep things clean, I was a slob. I really didn’t start caring about cleanliness (just of the house… I do very much believe in bathing) until I moved in with my friend. She is such a OCD clean person I felt so guilty that her house was always a mess because my slob crew (2 kids and a fiancee) moved in.

That was when a new reason to be stressed or anxious joined my already impressive repertoire.

I’ve been even more stressed ever since.

The accuracy

So I lose sleep because the best time to clean is when no one else is around to bother me, ask me questions or piss me off because they are sitting on their ass while I’m running around like a chicken without its head.

I thought after I quit my job and became a stay at home mom that this cleanliness thing would be so much easier… excuse me while I pee my pants laughing. Between being surrounded by 4 slobs and 2 disastrous cats, being a pack rat, having crazy cleaning ADD, and being a crafter of so many things NOTHING ever stays clean. And I do clean throughout the day in any way my 18 month old will let me, but nothing stays clean.

So to you clean people (especially SAHMs with children home) I envy you. I want to be you, well be like you… I don’t want to wear your skin to my birthday or anything…. but I’m jealous

It just passed actually

But I need to stop writing now, the floor I just scrubbed on my hands and knees is now cover in glitter. Apparently my daughter thought filling a balloon with glitter was a great idea and the cat just popped the balloon. SEND HELP

Oh and the answer from my last post is Swan Princess

Facebook Free

I have quit the Facebooks

I had been considering cutting Facebook out of my life for a few weeks and I have finally pulled the trigger, so to speak.

And by pulling the trigger, I mean I deleted it off my phone…. if I was sending a message I would insert a face-palming emoji here. It’s so funny how far my life has come. When I first started my social media journey I was fresh out of high school and using my parent’s computer (also that was Myspace). Now I have apps on my phone so I can check into any social media I want 100 times a day.

It has become an obsession, an addiction and it’s not healthy. I am guilty of posting things just for likes, or comments. I need the engagement, I crave it, I get disappointed if a post doesn’t receive a lot of attention.

I am almost 36 years old…. that should not be a factor in my day. I judge myself CONSTANTLY for being so shallow.

But I am taking a break, I doubt I’ll delete my account permanently. As I have already discovered my entire social life is organized through Facebook. Homeschooling events and my workout group are all on there.

My goal is to disengage, other than neccessary events, as long as possible. I want to track what I do with my time besides scrolling through memes and others lives.

Have you ever quit social media for awhile? Or do you not use social media?

Goodbye to my independence

I said goodbye to my car yesterday. I cried hard about it too. Which I know for some may be really strange but this car meant a lot to me.

She’s all cleaned out and ready to go

When I left my first husband it was not a mutual parting. I had my kids, some clothes and very little else. The car I did have had to be scrapped.

I was starting a new life with nothing of my own. I moved back in with my parents, got a job and started saving. The pride of having a job was great, but I still had nothing of my own. I was using my mom’s car to go to work. If I wanted to go anywhere else I had to ask my mother’s permission to use her car… I was 30…

Fast forward about 9 months and I got this beauty.

Her first picture as mine!

The kids and I took this car to museums, the mall, the movies. We had adventures and personal Frozen concerts. We took trips to see my Nanny.

It’s just a car to a lot of people but for me, it was personal pride and independence. I felt better about myself and I felt I was a better example for my kids.

I loved her. The memories we made in that car will not soon be forgotten.

With that I have to say what I always say in these situations.

That’ll do pig….