Workin On It

SO I have been working on myself, well my body since…. forever… but in all seriousness since the middle of January and I am finally really seeing some differences!!

Look at the difference!!

I have lost almost lost 2 inches off my belly and several inches everywhere else, but my ultimate goal is to get rid of my belly.

So what have I been doing to get such an amazing difference??

My gills are getting smaller!!

I have been eating about 1400 calories max and I workout at least 5 times a week, I also try to make sure that I am taking as many steps during the day as possible.

My favorite exercises are

Push-ups, I try to do 50 every night

I still do these modified

Planks, I started only being able to hold for 15 seconds and now I am up to 40 seconds each time!

Time STOPS

Flutter kicks and Leg raises

Bent over rows

Lifting dumbells sorry about the baby interruptions, he always “helps” me work out, lol

Normally my abs are engaged

Russian Twists

So that is what I have been up to and it has been quite effective. My clothes are getting loose and I have more energy. I am more confident and my marriage is definitely improving! I will be adding cardio as I actually lose weight (I’ve only lost about 7lbs) because my knees and my hips are in pretty intense pain these days.

Leaving 2020 Behind

Finally leaving this year behind. I want to reflect on what has happened… the good, the bad and the ugly.

This year has been full of ups and downs. Moments I have loved and moments I wish wouldn’t have happened. I obviously will not re-live all of these moments with you but some things I am concentrating on right now.

So for reference, here is what I wanted to work on this year

First reaction…. laughter

I want to make sure my family is really living… not stuck in the house…. I feel like I might be to blame for Covid….

Ok so…. literally nothing was accomplished on this list because CORONAVIRUS!!

Well… I can’t say that. I did actually read ALOT more than I have in the last 5 years; by which I mean listened to an audiobook OR actually read them. And I really enjoyed getting excited about what was going to happen to the character next, I love the anticipation that a good book can create! I will be continuing that into the new year.

But I basically failed at everything else.

In my high moments, I started homeschooling and honestly I love it! Yeah its stressful and there are rough moments but I love teaching my kids. We have spent A LOT of time together this year. The 4 (mostly the 3 of us, but the baby helps) of us have done some pretty fun experiments, like making a cloud in a jar or growing crystals. We have spent more time together outside then we have spent in a LONG time. Basically those are my good moments, our family time. We have really come together/bonded.

I tried making YouTube videos. I stopped because I have too much on my plate… but I tried!

These are dollar store crafts I made!

I started getting more of my projects done around the house, trying to make this place feel like home.

I threw some awesome birthday parties. Got really creative with decorations.

I took LOTS of pictures. I really do enjoy my photography hobby. I got to see the sunrise over the beach twice this year!

We went to the beach more this year. I need the salt air in my life, it cleanses my emotional palate and gives me a fresh outlook on life.

In my low moments… well both my grandmother’s died this year and I’m still healing.

My depression/anxiety has been at an all time high. I have not been in a good place mentally this year for so many reasons. I feel like most of us have been in a dark place for a least a little bit this year.

I gained 20lbs this year, I am heading into 2021 weighing more than I have ever weighed. My confidence is almost non-existent and my self hatred is at an all time high. I am stuck in this rut where I start to work out but get injured due to my weight and then stop working out to heal, get depressed because I can’t workout and then binge eat ANYTHING.

Throwback to when I was feeling myself
I am hoping to do more 5ks this year

Even my marriage has had some tribulations that I was not expecting. But we are going to be just fine!

So going into 2021 I am not going to list resolutions or goals. Going into this year I am creating a mantra….

Be better.

Be better about being nicer to myself

Be better about taking care of myself

Be better about putting my mental/emotional/physical health first

Be better at acknowledging what I get done and not focusing on what I didn’t.

Be better at taking compliments AND believing them

Be better about believing I am loved more than I am hated.

Be better about asking for help and demanding it if necessary.

Be better about remembering what life has already thrown at me because I survived it all.

So going into 2021 I am hopeful for a better year, a better me!!

Are you making resolutions this year??

November 30 2019

It has been a year since I have seen your face, felt your smile or heard you say “Honey” the unique way that you did.

The last time I saw my Nanny was 11/30/19.

We had a makeshift Thanksgiving dinner in her trailer after our plans had failed. My brother, his family, Matt, me and Tobias all crowded into her house and ate our fill. She got to meet my niece Ava for the first time and see Tobias again. It was a tight squeeze but we made it work and I am eternally grateful that we did.

That night is not actually the last time I saw her though. I was supposed to drop off presents to her from my mom but Matt had taken them out of the trunk and did not put them back. The morning after our dinner I got up at 530am and drove the hour and a half to drop them off. That is the last time I saw her. I am extremely grateful I got those few extra minutes with her and I got one last hug; if I had known it was the last one I would have made it last longer.

My only regret is that I did not get a single picture and I know that I have the memory and that is a lot but I regret in general not getting more pictures with her. We saw her several times a year and I never took pictures. She couldn’t make it to my wedding because she was hospitalized again; but I video chatted with her and I wish I had asked the photographer to capture that.

We went to the beach again for Thanksgiving and I cried almost the entire way there. I tear up every time we head that way now because I know she isn’t there. But knowing that it had been one year since I have seen her was especially hard to process, I ugly cried several times and I am wiping some pretty substantial tears off my face as I type.

I can’t say much more on the subject now.

I love and miss you Nanny. I carry you here in my heart.

Feeling Overwhelmed

I was supposed to do a blog post on Weds for Bonnie’s Book Club. If you were anticipating that, I apologize. I’ve been a little overwhelmed.

I have been biting off more than I can chew lately, it’s a pretty constant problem in my life. I constantly want to go go go but I put so much on my plate, then my depression kicks in so I get NOTHING done. My anxiety then let’s me know what a worthless POS I am and we go round and round.

BUT some great things are slowly happening… the kids and I got some Halloween decorations up

We got some much needed yard work done, we chopped down 5 trees and sprayed the weeds, I might need to do that again.

I have lost 6lbs!! I know that is a seemingly minor victory BUT for me it’s pretty huge.

Homeschool is going… ok… ish… there are great days and days when the kids and I scream at each other. We finally got to the library (our local is closed for renovations). The closest one we can go to is 45min away… and it is in a temporary building. But it was great to get new books!

I have done SO MANY LOADS OF LAUNDRY this week. I gave clothes away, donated some can goods.

I have been working really hard to get my life in order, but I still have SO MUCH TO DO.

That’s where I am this Friday night. I hope you all have a fantastic weekend!! Got any definite plans? We have 90% chance of rain so we are staying in.

My Name is….

I have been a stay at home mom for about 3.5 years of the ten years I have been a mom. This is probably the path I will walk for awhile.

To those who are not a SAHM this blog is probably going to come off as whiny. I LOVE my kids as any mom will say, but sometimes I need to be a human person and not just “mom”.

When I was a single mom and working a full time job, missing important moments in my kids lives I would have given anything to be able to be at home with them. Now that I am home 24/7, I miss having my own money and having actual time to myself. Literally a single trip to the grocery store seems like a freaking vacation. A shower that I don’t have company or interruptions is unheard of. I don’t even poop without an audience.

I tried to orchestrate time for myself so I could be home alone, oldest 2 were at a sleepover and I had my husband take the baby to an indoor jump house but he (the baby) fell asleep in the car and they came back home. Immediately upon arriving home baby is awake and completely underfoot. I just wanted a couple of hours to clean the house without distractions. I wasn’t even doing anything fun.

Even as I am writing this I have been interrupted at least 3 times, some how paint got spilled upstairs and I needed to check it out and now my list contains how to get paint out of carpet AND find all the paint—->get rid of it. The baby is not happy that I am sitting at the desk and he is unable to be the center of attention, so he is sitting next to me screaming and crying. My husband is telling me about any funny video or meme he comes across on Facebook or YouTube.

My brain is in constant overload and I am already planning next week. My son was trying to make me feel better and he said, at least tomorrow is Saturday!! What does that mean to me??? More cleaning, laundry and zero downtime, but at least the kids don’t have school and my husband doesn’t have work; so they will all be there to help make MORE of a mess!!

It is funny to think that I was less stressed while working… but that really isn’t it at all. I was even more stressed, but I was an actual person at work. I wasn’t just, “fix my problems, pay attention to me, he hit me, baby crying, the house is a mess, what’s for dinner, when did we change the filters last, are you going to do laundry, you wanna…..?”

And I still don’t want a job outside of the home, I love that I get to be there for all the important moments of my kids lives. I can be more supportive of my husband. I get to homeschool my kids and give them hands on attention, which they desperately need. I can control their learning, in the sense that as my daughter excels I can give her harder material or when my son is struggling I can give him extra time on something.

I am constantly in a battle of sorts in my mind. I love being there but I want more than just being MOM…. my name is Bonnie.

MY NAME IS BONNIE.

I put fake eyelashes on… and immediately took them off

Embarrassing myself

Let us talk about cheating.

I have been cheated on several times in my relationships in different degrees, physically and emotionally and they both suck. That is very embarrassing to even write because cheating is not spoken of directly. It is always hidden, kept secret. I had someone tell me to not post on social media about being cheated on because “I don’t want to embarrass myself”

WHY…. Why should I be embarrassed because someone else did something inappropriate, selfish and wrong.

Why do I have to keep their indiscretion a secret when it is all I can think about? My life as I know it is destroyed, my trust betrayed, the fragile state of my confidence blown away. It is the only thought swirling around in my brain at 2am. The events replay in my nightmares. I will literally never be the same person I was, and I can’t talk about it.

Is it my fault? It has happened in more than one relationship… so am I the problem? Is there something wrong with me.

I mean I have been given the gambit of excuses, you let yourself go, you are not the same, you haven’t shown me love. And in their mind, I am just supposed to deal with it. They have justified their actions and that is that. There has been some “remorse” but how real is that?

I become obsessed with not letting it happen again (and spoiler… it ALWAYS does) I try to be the “perfect” partner and I do everything I think they want. I always try to lose weight because obviously being fat has something to do with them “stepping out”. I tell myself to accept some responsibility, but I take the blame. I believe that it is my fault and I start to hate myself and try to be someone, anyone else.

Weeks, sometimes months go by with this very unhealthy behavior and then my mental health starts to deteriorate rapidly. I become exhausted all the time, but I can never sleep. I cry at the drop of a hat. I get angry and I start to hate everything.

My laptop crashed, went black and never came back. My husband moved my computer’s hard drive to a separate removable one. I was going through the contents looking for something specific and I came across these stories I had written. They all dealt with cheating. They were terribly written, kind of humorous, but I can feel the emotions still.

I write all of this to say, if you have been cheated on, if you have felt that hurt or are currently suffering through. I understand.

Also, it is not your fault. Don’t listen to their BS. You are not to blame.

My advice is to love yourself. Find yourself again, you may be lost right now. Go back to being fun and fancy free. To hell with anyone that tries to steal your thunder or your sunshine.

Just Be You.

Advice… don’t get mad or even. The best revenge will always be to move on with your life, your happiness will be salt into their wound. Karma does not always punish cheaters, it is just something you are going to have to deal with. If you decide to cover their Jeep in gasoline and set it on fire remember to not use matches AND there will be some blow back…

also that is illegal and you will go to jail when you are caught. Destroying personal property only works in movies and songs.

June 15th

I was scanning my Facebook memories, as I do each day, but this day was different.

Apparently June 15th I feel compelled to upload a selfie roughly every 2 years.

A five year history of me

I started looking at the pictures and thinking about the different things happening in my life at each point.

June 2015- I was almost 2 yrs out of my first marriage and I had tried dating for the first time that year… it didn’t go well. I was exercising about 5 days a week, 30lbs down from 2 yrs prior. I was working a job that I loved. I wore makeup….I was feeling myself!  My life was about to change drastically though and it would propel me into the life I’m living now.

June 2017- I was living in a new state, at a new store, now a POG team lead.  I had gained ALL 30lbs back and more. I was dating my now husband and we were about to move in together. I loved my job, but the position was about to disappear and I was TIRED constantly.

June 2019- I am married again, a new homeowner and I had a baby back in January. I am getting barely any sleep, can’t even open my eyes completely and about 10 min after this picture is taken I am told how lazy of a mom I am (by my daughter) because I don’t want to take the kids to the pool. Mom guilt pushed me and my terrible self esteem to squeeze my fat ass into a swimsuit. It wasn’t a fun day for me at all.

June 2020…. where do I even start??? Ignoring the world around me that’s burning down. I’m actually doing well. I’ve gotten serious about losing ALL the weight over gained. Mentally I have great days and terrible days but I’m recovering faster than ever. I have an amazing support group and I feel strong. I’m remembering my self worth comes from me and I am not letting anyone’s hurtful actions ruin that again! I am doing this for me.

I’m going to be pushing myself to work on my business, I am hoping to start gaining some financial independence while being at home with the kids. We are homeschooling this upcoming year and I am excited for this new challenge. Getting out of my comfort zone to better my kids.

Do you ever reflect on your past and how it has brought you to where you are now? Do you still have hope for 2020, or have you given up??

Facebook Free

I have quit the Facebooks

I had been considering cutting Facebook out of my life for a few weeks and I have finally pulled the trigger, so to speak.

And by pulling the trigger, I mean I deleted it off my phone…. if I was sending a message I would insert a face-palming emoji here. It’s so funny how far my life has come. When I first started my social media journey I was fresh out of high school and using my parent’s computer (also that was Myspace). Now I have apps on my phone so I can check into any social media I want 100 times a day.

It has become an obsession, an addiction and it’s not healthy. I am guilty of posting things just for likes, or comments. I need the engagement, I crave it, I get disappointed if a post doesn’t receive a lot of attention.

I am almost 36 years old…. that should not be a factor in my day. I judge myself CONSTANTLY for being so shallow.

But I am taking a break, I doubt I’ll delete my account permanently. As I have already discovered my entire social life is organized through Facebook. Homeschooling events and my workout group are all on there.

My goal is to disengage, other than neccessary events, as long as possible. I want to track what I do with my time besides scrolling through memes and others lives.

Have you ever quit social media for awhile? Or do you not use social media?

Goodbye to my independence

I said goodbye to my car yesterday. I cried hard about it too. Which I know for some may be really strange but this car meant a lot to me.

She’s all cleaned out and ready to go

When I left my first husband it was not a mutual parting. I had my kids, some clothes and very little else. The car I did have had to be scrapped.

I was starting a new life with nothing of my own. I moved back in with my parents, got a job and started saving. The pride of having a job was great, but I still had nothing of my own. I was using my mom’s car to go to work. If I wanted to go anywhere else I had to ask my mother’s permission to use her car… I was 30…

Fast forward about 9 months and I got this beauty.

Her first picture as mine!

The kids and I took this car to museums, the mall, the movies. We had adventures and personal Frozen concerts. We took trips to see my Nanny.

It’s just a car to a lot of people but for me, it was personal pride and independence. I felt better about myself and I felt I was a better example for my kids.

I loved her. The memories we made in that car will not soon be forgotten.

With that I have to say what I always say in these situations.

That’ll do pig….

Forgot to Add

Cherish

The last blog I posted were lessons of life.

Well I forgot one. Cherish.

I lost my Nanny in February. I honestly have not gotten over that. Now, my other grandmother and my final grandparent, has had a stroke and is being moved to hospice.

Both of My Grandmas
The last time I saw my Grandma

While I have spent a lot of time with my Nanny, I did not spend much time with my Grandma in adulthood. I am going to regret not spending time with her.

So my last piece of advice is cherish.

Cherish your loved ones, your children, parents, spouses, siblings, grandparents. They grow up, move away and unfortunately die.

Cherish the moments you have; the good, the bad and the ugly. They make up your life. Make the best of it!

How do you handle grief? Do you have anything you do to to help you deal with the pain?