SAHM

I am exhausted and should sleep but if I do I don’t know when I’ll have time to write this.

I am writing this at midnight after taking my first REAL shower in about a week. I am dripping wet, sitting next to my bed. My legs are stinging because I rushed through shaving again. Better to have smooth legs in pain versus the forest that was growing. I am exhausted and should sleep but if I do I don’t know when I’ll have time to write this.

For the second time in my life, I am a stay at home mom (SAHM).

This was not my game plan after I got out of my first marriage. My game plan was actually to remain a recluse for the rest of my life BUT that is another blog for another time.

Now, I love my kids (as most moms would say) and I know that I am blessed to be at home with them, but I hate having people(women) tell me that in their bitchy tone. “I wish I was in your shoes…” “I would love to be at home all day” “what do you even do with yourself…”????

I’ll tell you Karen.

I work. My days start at about 6am and I’m working until 9pm. And guess what??? There are no state mandated breaks or lunches. I usually have to eat while holding a baby, in case you haven’t done that, it’s not pretty.

Today I was peed, puked, pooped on. I usefully have breast milk on me And now baby food as well! I had a migraine and a fever for the majority of the day. My son still screamed in my face for an hour because his gums and ears hurt and he was also running a fever!

A picture of us after running our errands this morning. I cleaned the kitchen, living room, my room and did about 6 loads of laundry. I had to cook dinner, lunch and breakfast and remember medicine for 2 kids. It’s summer vacation so I also had to have my big kids do their summer work. I also have my business to run so I have to continue on the website and plan new pieces. I an reading books on how to make my business successful AND occasionally I have to work out because I’m fat. Oh and I’m married so I have to make sure I don’t let wifey duties slip up.

So that is my day and it’s pretty average. So, I’m not just sitting around on my ass (though my ever expanding waist line says differently) AND I’m not getting paid. So maybe, Karen, have respect for the SAHM or shut your mouth. I earn absolutely every dollar, I don’t get paid.

Seriously though, I love that I get to be at home with my kids. I love that I’m reading, The Littles, with them and that we do science experiments. Only having the one income means that we don’t have a lot of extra money for fun, but I love finding cheap or free stuff to do with them. They are only young once and I want them to have great memories to look back on!

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Took a turn

The job that I had once loved had taken a turn for the worst and I hated life.

So about 6 months ago I quit a job that I had been at for over 5 years. I was a manager at this job and had always intended to move up the ladder, but their practices made it difficult. The job that I had once loved had taken a turn for the worst and I hated life. Everyday showing up was absolute agony. My last day was such a crazy ordeal to me. I showed up at 6am, almost 9 months pregnant to push a truck, basically by myself because no one else was scheduled. I worked my five and a half hours(I had cut back hours for health reasons) and I left. No one said goodbye or even cared. I had worked for the company for 5 years, given them literal blood, sweat and tears, sacrificed time with my kids and hurt myself in more than one way to get my job done and none of it mattered.

That is retail.

I do want to say that in those 5 years I met some amazing people, I even married one of them! And 2 more of them were bridesmaids. I grew so much as a manager/leader and I took away some great memories; it hurt a little that my leaving wasn’t remarked by anyone.

Since then, my life has grown infinitely better. I am a stay at home mom who is also starting a business. I have friends that I occasionally hang out with and an amazing husband who, even when I want to kill him, I love more than anything. Life isn’t perfect but it is pretty damn close. I miss making money though, I get very frustrated because I am not contributing monetarily to the household, that’s really my pride speaking. I do a lot for my family and often it goes unappreciated but I still have a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day. I am working on taking time out for me each day though. I blog here, read a book

and I am trying to work on my screenplay, I need more hours in the day or to manage my time more wisely. Right now, for example I am laying across my bed with my eyes barely open because baby boy did not sleep well last night but still woke up at 6 this morning. I should be sleeping but I’m waiting for my husband to finish his D&D game(yes I married a NERD), I like to fall asleep with him.

Tiger Dog

He loved me and only me

I cleaned out my rats cage today! This is a chore, especially since I have 5 rats!! Yes… you read that correctly. FIVE.

I also have 2 cats.

This time last year, I had a dog. We don’t have him anymore and this makes me really sad. Not because we don’t have a dog, but how we had to give him away. I’ve felt guilty about it for 10 months. We adopted him, like you should do because there are too many dogs in this world, but it wasn’t a happy ending for anyone. He was fine at first, some separation anxiety (severe anxiety) which lead to destruction of our rental. But the biting is what ended our relationship. He bit my daughter in the face and my son on the shoulder. He tried to bite my husband in his face and on the same day attacked 3 dogs and 2 more people. All of this occured and we gave him away and I still feel guilty. I tried so hard, training, vet visits for anxiety medicine, doggie day care for exercise. He loved me and only me. He wanted to just be mine, but I couldn’t be just his mom. I had 2 kids, who he hurt, and a baby on the way. I had to put them first.

I’m sorry Khan. My beautiful tiger dog. I miss you.

Distracted

As I stated in the last blog I have A LOT going on right now!Business, baby, kids, homeownership, marriage, rats, cats, household chores, weight to lose, babysitting dogs and kids, dealing with my everyday anxiety and depression…. I think that is it.So needless to say my days are pretty full with things I need to do and that means I don’t have much time for things that I WANT to do.I love reading, writing, watching movies and I can definitely fit the movie watching into my life during laundry folding or downstairs cleaning. But reading and writing, those are more difficult. While I am writing this I have 2 laundry baskets of clean clothes to fold and more in the dryer, I have food shopping to do, dinner to cook and a baby’s mind to mold. He is currently getting fussy in his jumperoo which means I will have to stop soon.I feel pretty guilty taking time to even write this, and this isn’t even what I want to be writing. My husband and I were listening to World War Z on the car ride to drop off the oldest kids to their dad and he mentioned it would be a great mini series… I agree and it gave me this inspiration to write. I have not been inspired to do much these days… my life is a lot of forced inspiration.But someday… which is code for never, if you have ever seen Knight and Day.Well baby cries so my distraction must come to an end.

I’m tired

This was just therapeutic

To call this an update would be a trivialization.

Since my last blog I have gotten married, gone on my honeymoon, gave away my dog, adopted cats, watched all available episodes of Brooklyn 99 twice, quit my job, started a business, had a baby, bought a house, packed up one house and unpacked into another, celebrated my 2 eldest birthdays, spring vacation, rescued some rats, rewatched New Girl, summer vacation and re-started my weightloss adventure (which I’m calling an odyssey because it’s going to take AWHILE).

Just thinking about everything involved is exhausting. I have had to rearrange my entire life in the last 10 months.

I’ll probably blog about most of those on their own and now I have created my own comprehensive list to go down!

Right now I am sitting on my bed at 11:23pm typing this on my phone because I’m too lazy to go downstairs to get my computer. I am watching the cats chase each other like assholes; they waited until most of the house was sleeping to play.

My big kids are on summer vacation and it’s now my job to entertain them every day AND make sure they don’t unlearn everything that they learned during the school year. I created a schedule of reading Monday thru Friday for 20 mins, math on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, writing on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Needless to say they are not thrilled with me because their friends don’t have to do schoolwork (as I type this my daughter’s whiny voice rings in my head). They have the weekends off and the week they will be with their dad (he’s the fun parent). But I get to add teacher to my already impressive resume.

I am currently a mother to 3 children(one 5 months old), cats and rats(which are MY pet). So I am responsible for their wellbeing, keeping them alive, fed and entertained. I am a housewife, meaning I clean, cook, do laundry, run errands, plan out meals and weekly activities, budget. I have a business to run(with my mom). I am in charge of social media, the website, creating pieces to sell, advertising, planning, trying to make our dreams a reality. I am a wife, so I have to prioritize my marriage. Make sure I’m a lady on the street and a freak in the sheets, to put it mildly. I need to lose weight for health reasons and also because my kids friends call me fat… and that hurts, I’m not going to lie. I also need to find ways to bring income into the house… we don’t NEED it but I need to fund my business and that isn’t really in our budget SO I dog sit and I also search Pinterest and the internet for legit ways to make money at home, while dealing with everything else in my life.

I’m also a daughter and an older sister to 3 siblings who live scattered around the world. I love them all dearly and do my best to keep up with their lives.

Ohhh… also I’m an ex-wife who had 2 kids with her previous spouse and I also have to work him into my life. Which I am WAY TOO accommodating, I get told by many people.

So I have all of that going on, with my anxiety/depression and the fears of marriage that I have as a result of my first disaster down the aisle. I live in a state of “waiting for the other shoe to drop “.

Well this was just therapeutic… I feel so much better.

Change of Plans

Part of my problem with this blog is I try to plan ahead, I want to be ahead of the game. I know there is nothing wrong with being prepared; if you fail to plan then you plan to fail. The problem I have with planning is I feel forced to finish the blog I started because I planned it out.

Part of my problem with this blog is I try to plan ahead, I want to be ahead of the game. I know there is nothing wrong with being prepared; if you fail to plan then you plan to fail. The problem I have with planning is I feel forced to finish the blog I started because I planned it out. So for example I have been working on a wedding blog since I posted my last one and I have written only a paragraph… in three days only a paragraph so clearly I am failing. I think I put pressure on myself when I plan out my blogs instead of just writing how I am feeling at the time.

Today I am feeling very pregnant. I am only 15 weeks pregnant but with it being my third kid AND being fat before I got pregnant my body seems like it is falling apart. The first few weeks were filled with the normal exhaustion and nausea. As the weeks have gone on though, there has been some additional pain, bleeding and some crazy “morning sickness”. Some of the pain has been a ripping feeling in the front of my stomach and that leaves me crying when that happens. I have had sciatic pain since my first pregnancy and it affects my hips and they are already sore because they are widening. So when they start acting up it becomes difficult to walk and it again is very painful. My morning sickness has been getting worse everyday. I am vomiting almost daily up to 3 times a day and it takes the most out of me. I am so tired and out of it, so tired and out of it that I was asked to take a LOA because I really couldn’t do my job very well.

So I have been at home for almost 2 weeks trying to get better and that has not worked. I have had to stop eating basically to stop the puking. I am surviving mostly on Gatorade and salad, and I have only puked that up once. I still can’t eat until about 11am without vomiting and even then its a 70/30 chance. I have talked to the doctor about all of this and apparently it is all normal because I am spending so much time leaning over the toilet.

Well the bad has not overshadowed the good. We are still super excited about the baby, we are planning on telling people at the wedding. I have an announcement planned with the kids, we are doing a Nightmare Before Christmas theme. We are going to put the kids in shirts that say “Oldest Nightmare” for Brian and “Middle Nightmare” for Kenzie and a baby shirt that says “Newest Nightmare expected Feb 2019”. The gender reveal colors are lime green and purple, obviously green for a boy and purple for a girl. We find out the week after we come back from the honeymoon.

I can not wait!!

Life Update

It has been over 4 months since my last post and it honestly feels like an entire lifetime has passed. My fiance and I are actually married, though most of our family doesn’t know, we are having an actual wedding later this month. We have moved to a new place, that is bigger and more expensive(which still makes me nervous). I am pregnant… which was part of the plan in February, getting pregnant in February not giving birth then. I am getting tired just thinking about everything that has happened in the last few months. There were days when it was just too much and I found myself crying in the shower when everyone else slept.

The first challenge that I(we, just assume I am always including my husband)  faced was finding a new place to live. We were living with my BFF/co-worker and though I love her, we were cramping each other styles. So we needed to find our own place and something much bigger, we were basically squeezing 4 people into 2 small rooms. We knew from the beginning that we needed at least 3 bedrooms so each kid could have their own room. It was really location, location, location and kind of price as well.  We were living in an area that my son was doing well in school but my daughter was not. My son has ADHD and he really needs a VERY patient teacher that has experience with kids like him. He got a lot of one on one attention because of his IEP, but the school genuinely seemed to care about his well being and education. I need to point out that this was not a “great” school, test scores were not the best but the school really was. My daughter did not thrive in the school because it was not one of those “great” and challenging schools. She is super smart and very determined to get things done and always be the best, but she was not challenged and was actually made fun of by the other kids for being smart. Eventually she just gave into peer pressure and stop challenging herself. So there is our first challenge, do we try to stay in the area we are in for Brian or move to a better school district for Mackenzie.

Well that brings me to our second challenge, price. Matt and I are not poor by any means but we also don’t have enough money for $2000 a month in rent. We are trying to save money to eventually buy a house, so we have to consider that. We set our budget at $1300 a month and we stuck to it. That budget quickly eliminated where we were currently staying, the cheapest rent for a 3 bedroom was $1500. So we started looking at other areas. If you are familiar with Charlotte, NC you know that you will find some pretty cheap rents in some really questionable areas so I had to be a housing detective. I had found a website that actually showed me the crime rate in the area and then of course I had to research the schools.

The research led me into South Carolina and the Fort Mill school area. We found a place that had an amazing rent and started the application process. We both got really excited about the place and started making our exit arrangements with our current place. We passed the credit/background check but when it came to fiances we made too much money…. now as I mentioned earlier, we are not poor but we are not rich either and that blew our mind and broke my heart. So then panic mode set in, we are only a few weeks from the end of our lease and we had to start the process all over again.

My anxiety was in over drive and I was frantically messaging any place I could that had availability. There was a place that I had fallen in love with a few years ago but could never afford by myself and it had the exact model that I wanted available on the day that I needed it. It was like fate. I called and put a deposit on it that day. There ended our new home drama.