Distracted

As I stated in the last blog I have A LOT going on right now!Business, baby, kids, homeownership, marriage, rats, cats, household chores, weight to lose, babysitting dogs and kids, dealing with my everyday anxiety and depression…. I think that is it.So needless to say my days are pretty full with things I need to do and that means I don’t have much time for things that I WANT to do.I love reading, writing, watching movies and I can definitely fit the movie watching into my life during laundry folding or downstairs cleaning. But reading and writing, those are more difficult. While I am writing this I have 2 laundry baskets of clean clothes to fold and more in the dryer, I have food shopping to do, dinner to cook and a baby’s mind to mold. He is currently getting fussy in his jumperoo which means I will have to stop soon.I feel pretty guilty taking time to even write this, and this isn’t even what I want to be writing. My husband and I were listening to World War Z on the car ride to drop off the oldest kids to their dad and he mentioned it would be a great mini series… I agree and it gave me this inspiration to write. I have not been inspired to do much these days… my life is a lot of forced inspiration.But someday… which is code for never, if you have ever seen Knight and Day.Well baby cries so my distraction must come to an end.

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I’m tired

This was just therapeutic

To call this an update would be a trivialization.

Since my last blog I have gotten married, gone on my honeymoon, gave away my dog, adopted cats, watched all available episodes of Brooklyn 99 twice, quit my job, started a business, had a baby, bought a house, packed up one house and unpacked into another, celebrated my 2 eldest birthdays, spring vacation, rescued some rats, rewatched New Girl, summer vacation and re-started my weightloss adventure (which I’m calling an odyssey because it’s going to take AWHILE).

Just thinking about everything involved is exhausting. I have had to rearrange my entire life in the last 10 months.

I’ll probably blog about most of those on their own and now I have created my own comprehensive list to go down!

Right now I am sitting on my bed at 11:23pm typing this on my phone because I’m too lazy to go downstairs to get my computer. I am watching the cats chase each other like assholes; they waited until most of the house was sleeping to play.

My big kids are on summer vacation and it’s now my job to entertain them every day AND make sure they don’t unlearn everything that they learned during the school year. I created a schedule of reading Monday thru Friday for 20 mins, math on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, writing on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Needless to say they are not thrilled with me because their friends don’t have to do schoolwork (as I type this my daughter’s whiny voice rings in my head). They have the weekends off and the week they will be with their dad (he’s the fun parent). But I get to add teacher to my already impressive resume.

I am currently a mother to 3 children(one 5 months old), cats and rats(which are MY pet). So I am responsible for their wellbeing, keeping them alive, fed and entertained. I am a housewife, meaning I clean, cook, do laundry, run errands, plan out meals and weekly activities, budget. I have a business to run(with my mom). I am in charge of social media, the website, creating pieces to sell, advertising, planning, trying to make our dreams a reality. I am a wife, so I have to prioritize my marriage. Make sure I’m a lady on the street and a freak in the sheets, to put it mildly. I need to lose weight for health reasons and also because my kids friends call me fat… and that hurts, I’m not going to lie. I also need to find ways to bring income into the house… we don’t NEED it but I need to fund my business and that isn’t really in our budget SO I dog sit and I also search Pinterest and the internet for legit ways to make money at home, while dealing with everything else in my life.

I’m also a daughter and an older sister to 3 siblings who live scattered around the world. I love them all dearly and do my best to keep up with their lives.

Ohhh… also I’m an ex-wife who had 2 kids with her previous spouse and I also have to work him into my life. Which I am WAY TOO accommodating, I get told by many people.

So I have all of that going on, with my anxiety/depression and the fears of marriage that I have as a result of my first disaster down the aisle. I live in a state of “waiting for the other shoe to drop “.

Well this was just therapeutic… I feel so much better.

Change of Plans

Part of my problem with this blog is I try to plan ahead, I want to be ahead of the game. I know there is nothing wrong with being prepared; if you fail to plan then you plan to fail. The problem I have with planning is I feel forced to finish the blog I started because I planned it out.

Part of my problem with this blog is I try to plan ahead, I want to be ahead of the game. I know there is nothing wrong with being prepared; if you fail to plan then you plan to fail. The problem I have with planning is I feel forced to finish the blog I started because I planned it out. So for example I have been working on a wedding blog since I posted my last one and I have written only a paragraph… in three days only a paragraph so clearly I am failing. I think I put pressure on myself when I plan out my blogs instead of just writing how I am feeling at the time.

Today I am feeling very pregnant. I am only 15 weeks pregnant but with it being my third kid AND being fat before I got pregnant my body seems like it is falling apart. The first few weeks were filled with the normal exhaustion and nausea. As the weeks have gone on though, there has been some additional pain, bleeding and some crazy “morning sickness”. Some of the pain has been a ripping feeling in the front of my stomach and that leaves me crying when that happens. I have had sciatic pain since my first pregnancy and it affects my hips and they are already sore because they are widening. So when they start acting up it becomes difficult to walk and it again is very painful. My morning sickness has been getting worse everyday. I am vomiting almost daily up to 3 times a day and it takes the most out of me. I am so tired and out of it, so tired and out of it that I was asked to take a LOA because I really couldn’t do my job very well.

So I have been at home for almost 2 weeks trying to get better and that has not worked. I have had to stop eating basically to stop the puking. I am surviving mostly on Gatorade and salad, and I have only puked that up once. I still can’t eat until about 11am without vomiting and even then its a 70/30 chance. I have talked to the doctor about all of this and apparently it is all normal because I am spending so much time leaning over the toilet.

Well the bad has not overshadowed the good. We are still super excited about the baby, we are planning on telling people at the wedding. I have an announcement planned with the kids, we are doing a Nightmare Before Christmas theme. We are going to put the kids in shirts that say “Oldest Nightmare” for Brian and “Middle Nightmare” for Kenzie and a baby shirt that says “Newest Nightmare expected Feb 2019”. The gender reveal colors are lime green and purple, obviously green for a boy and purple for a girl. We find out the week after we come back from the honeymoon.

I can not wait!!

Life Update

It has been over 4 months since my last post and it honestly feels like an entire lifetime has passed. My fiance and I are actually married, though most of our family doesn’t know, we are having an actual wedding later this month. We have moved to a new place, that is bigger and more expensive(which still makes me nervous). I am pregnant… which was part of the plan in February, getting pregnant in February not giving birth then. I am getting tired just thinking about everything that has happened in the last few months. There were days when it was just too much and I found myself crying in the shower when everyone else slept.

The first challenge that I(we, just assume I am always including my husband)  faced was finding a new place to live. We were living with my BFF/co-worker and though I love her, we were cramping each other styles. So we needed to find our own place and something much bigger, we were basically squeezing 4 people into 2 small rooms. We knew from the beginning that we needed at least 3 bedrooms so each kid could have their own room. It was really location, location, location and kind of price as well.  We were living in an area that my son was doing well in school but my daughter was not. My son has ADHD and he really needs a VERY patient teacher that has experience with kids like him. He got a lot of one on one attention because of his IEP, but the school genuinely seemed to care about his well being and education. I need to point out that this was not a “great” school, test scores were not the best but the school really was. My daughter did not thrive in the school because it was not one of those “great” and challenging schools. She is super smart and very determined to get things done and always be the best, but she was not challenged and was actually made fun of by the other kids for being smart. Eventually she just gave into peer pressure and stop challenging herself. So there is our first challenge, do we try to stay in the area we are in for Brian or move to a better school district for Mackenzie.

Well that brings me to our second challenge, price. Matt and I are not poor by any means but we also don’t have enough money for $2000 a month in rent. We are trying to save money to eventually buy a house, so we have to consider that. We set our budget at $1300 a month and we stuck to it. That budget quickly eliminated where we were currently staying, the cheapest rent for a 3 bedroom was $1500. So we started looking at other areas. If you are familiar with Charlotte, NC you know that you will find some pretty cheap rents in some really questionable areas so I had to be a housing detective. I had found a website that actually showed me the crime rate in the area and then of course I had to research the schools.

The research led me into South Carolina and the Fort Mill school area. We found a place that had an amazing rent and started the application process. We both got really excited about the place and started making our exit arrangements with our current place. We passed the credit/background check but when it came to fiances we made too much money…. now as I mentioned earlier, we are not poor but we are not rich either and that blew our mind and broke my heart. So then panic mode set in, we are only a few weeks from the end of our lease and we had to start the process all over again.

My anxiety was in over drive and I was frantically messaging any place I could that had availability. There was a place that I had fallen in love with a few years ago but could never afford by myself and it had the exact model that I wanted available on the day that I needed it. It was like fate. I called and put a deposit on it that day. There ended our new home drama.

 

 

Help

This experience has made me realize that you really don’t know what someone is struggling with and instead of judging their actions, support them… or HELP. 

On my way home from Walmart there was a person on the side of the road with a sign that said something about being hungry. On the grass behind him were two kids sitting. The family was not the stereo typical “homeless” that you see with the carts full of what we would classify as junk. They were not dirty and they were dressed appropriately for the weather. The sign they were holding said nothing about money, or even that they were homeless; just said they were hungry.

As we passed my children inquired why they were on the side of the road and what the sign he was holding said. I explained to them that they did not have any food and that they were asking for some. Immediately my children were up in arms and yelling at me to stop the car and give them food. I kept driving, we live about 5 minutes from Walmart, and took them home.

I need to set the scene. The four of us went to Walmart because Matt and I had decided to get serious about working out at home and we needed weights for the bar I have in the garage. On the way we also decided that there was food we needed at home. So we went to Walmart and spent way too much time and money on things that we mostly needed….

I decided that it was pretty late so we hit McDonald’s for dinner (I feel the groan from anyone who has read my weight loss blogs). We got the kids happy meals and we got ourselves a 20 piece chicken nugget box to split. With all of this in the car, including the fast food, we passed this supposed family of need.

There was straight guilt in my heart as I drove past them and my guilt was made worse by my children who told me they needed the food more than we do.

After we got home and got the kids situated with dinner I started to collect food to take back to the family. I collected a Walmart bag of food and got the little bit of cash I had on me and put it all in the bag. I drove back to the corner they were on and dropped it off. The man, I assumed was the children’s father, was extremely grateful. He told me God Bless and I walked away. Our only interaction, but that moment touched me harder than anything else going on in my life right now.

Now some of you may shaking your head at my action saying that I should not have done what I did. I don’t even know if they really are in need, they just may want hand-outs. I am encouraging their actions and if you give a man a fish nonsense. This is nonsense that I have spouted before and I believed it. But in that moment that we drove past the family, I made contact with the grown man asking for help from complete strangers while his children watched, I changed my tune. I put myself in his place.

If I was struggling enough that my children would not have enough food I would do anything, including standing on the side of the road begging. There is a possibility of being subjected to ridicule by complete strangers who think they know more about my life than me. I do not believe in my heart of hearts that they were lying about their situation.

This experience has made me realize that you really don’t know what someone is struggling with and instead of judging their actions, support them… or HELP.

The Climb, again

This is a boring post, but this is the stuff on my mind right now.

Part 2

So continuing with my weight loss journey.

After Planet Fitness I tried to fill my gym void with other gyms. I tried a place called 9 Round which is basically a kickboxing gym. I loved the exercises at 9 round, it was circuit training and they changed every time you went and it was always a GREAT workout. I felt like Rocky every time I left, I listened to “Eye of the Tiger” more than once. I am very self-conscious when I work out and I always felt like the other people there were judging me, one woman openly laughed at me when I made a mistake. I also do not like having a trainer to push me. I do not need someone to tell me to work harder, I push myself too much on my own. The trainer is obviously always there to make sure that you are doing the work out correctly, but also to “motivate”. Out of the 6 month contract that I signed and paid for, I went for 2 months… waste of my money.

I also tried Fitness Connection, which is a good price and has weights, machines, classes and even child care! I was pretty excited when I signed up. It was conveniently located between work and home, I was convinced that this was the one. I went religiously for months but whenever I went the machines I wanted were never open and people did not clean up after themselves… EVER!! It was disgusting. The people who went seemed to be the kind that show off and I felt intimidated. *SIDENOTE have you ever seen Kevin Hart’s gym show off impersonation? Go watch it* So my time at Fitness Connection ended as well.

Along with going to the gym I tried different network marketing products like It Works and BeachBody. It Works is not an exercise program, but supplements that are supposed to help you lose weight. I used them when I was going to Planet Fitness and I did really like what I saw. I just don’t know if it was the pills or the exercise or a combination of both. I tried BeachBody when one of my friends signed up to be a coach. I ordered the program 22-minute Hard Corps by Tony Horton.. It was an intense workout but it ended up making my plantar fasciitis worse and I needed to stop (so of course I lost all progress) After the physical therapy (I’ll blog about that) I signed up for BeachBody On Demand so I could try different programs that would be easy on my feet. That went well until I moved.. again… this is a real problem in my life because I am getting ready to move again.

My final attempt to use a program/product is LadyBoss, I’ll thank Facebook ads for that. LadyBoss had great recipes and exercises for home and the gym. I started strong and lost my motivation again, plus I am always doing this by myself. So everyone else is eating/drinking whatever and then there is me, with me salad.

So that was my long drawn out history of attempted weight loss. I have once again started that journey, I can’t keep buying new clothes as I gain weight, I don’t make that much money; we will discuss my dieting in another blog. This time I am not paying anyone for anything, I am working out at home or the local park that has some small pieces of equipment and I am being my own trainer. My fiance has agreed to start working out as well so we can do this together. I am going to write about our experiences occasionally, mostly for accountability. I don’t want to be that person on Facebook who has to take a gym selfie every time I am there to prove it (I have been that person before). If I know that I am writing about and sharing possibly some intimate details of the experiences then I will keep doing it.

This is a boring blog post, but this is the stuff on my mind right now. Hopefully next time I will have something more exciting, or at least humorous.

The Climb

Actual Big Girl Bonnie would love to send pics of what her gut looks like now versus when I thought I was fat.

Part 1

A little more about myself. I am 33, going to be 34 this summer. I have 2 kids over the age of 5 and I still have “baby” weight…

No, it is not really baby weight. It is postpartum depression turned actual depression, anxiety, stress and exhaustion all rolled into about 50 lbs of extra fat on my body. I have tried dieting and exercise for YEARS.

Before pregnancy I was not a big girl, I was a size 8, 140 lbs at my heaviest and yeah, I thought I was FAT!!! Actual Big Girl Bonnie would love to send pics of what her gut looks like now versus when I thought I was fat. I am currently sitting at a size 16, but can squeeze into a size 14 on a good day and I weigh about 193 lbs. I rested on my laurels before kids, if I started to get a little thick I would walk it off, literally. I would take mile long walks at night and it would just fall of, like the crumbs off my lap after a Starbucks Blueberry muffin. So real weight loss never really meant anything to me.

After I had my son I was born I lost most of the baby weight immediately, I had about 5 lbs to go before I was pre-baby weight. I never got there however, because instead I got pregnant. With my daughter’s pregnancy the weight found me, like a tornado finds a trailer park. It just piled on and on. When I went to deliver Mackenzie I was 183 lbs. I don’t actually remember my weight throughout the years of attempting dieting and exercising. I basically remained above 175 until 2015.

I was married when I had my babies and I am not going to go into the details, but it was not a good marriage and it left me broken. I tried throughout the marriage after babies to get back in shape, but I had 2 kids 14 months apart, I was a stay at home mom and a full time student. I had a lot going on. Honestly, the motivation was never really there because there was never any spousal support in ANY manner. Our marriage ended August 2013 and I moved in with my parents to get back on my feet.

When I moved in with my parents I started doing little exercising and some weight lifting to start taking off the weight. I think I probably got down to the low 170s, but it never stayed off. Flash forward 1.5 years and I discover Planet Fitness, low monthly costs and the right kind of equipment for me. Yes, I realize they don’t all have a lot of free weights. I found a motivation to exercise 5 days a week, and I had a work schedule that allowed it. I went from the upper 170s to 150 lbs in about 4 months. I was happy, looking and feeling amazing.

July 2015 we moved to an area that only had 1 very inconveniently placed Planet Fitness and I had a ridiculously stressful job that pulled me out of bed at 3 am and I did not get home until almost 130pm every day, so when I got home I was done. I started to lose all of my progress and the sadness creeped in again.

To Be Continued….