June 15th

I was scanning my Facebook memories, as I do each day, but this day was different.

Apparently June 15th I feel compelled to upload a selfie roughly every 2 years.

A five year history of me

I started looking at the pictures and thinking about the different things happening in my life at each point.

June 2015- I was almost 2 yrs out of my first marriage and I had tried dating for the first time that year… it didn’t go well. I was exercising about 5 days a week, 30lbs down from 2 yrs prior. I was working a job that I loved. I wore makeup….I was feeling myself!  My life was about to change drastically though and it would propel me into the life I’m living now.

June 2017- I was living in a new state, at a new store, now a POG team lead.  I had gained ALL 30lbs back and more. I was dating my now husband and we were about to move in together. I loved my job, but the position was about to disappear and I was TIRED constantly.

June 2019- I am married again, a new homeowner and I had a baby back in January. I am getting barely any sleep, can’t even open my eyes completely and about 10 min after this picture is taken I am told how lazy of a mom I am (by my daughter) because I don’t want to take the kids to the pool. Mom guilt pushed me and my terrible self esteem to squeeze my fat ass into a swimsuit. It wasn’t a fun day for me at all.

June 2020…. where do I even start??? Ignoring the world around me that’s burning down. I’m actually doing well. I’ve gotten serious about losing ALL the weight over gained. Mentally I have great days and terrible days but I’m recovering faster than ever. I have an amazing support group and I feel strong. I’m remembering my self worth comes from me and I am not letting anyone’s hurtful actions ruin that again! I am doing this for me.

I’m going to be pushing myself to work on my business, I am hoping to start gaining some financial independence while being at home with the kids. We are homeschooling this upcoming year and I am excited for this new challenge. Getting out of my comfort zone to better my kids.

Do you ever reflect on your past and how it has brought you to where you are now? Do you still have hope for 2020, or have you given up??

January 19th… well it would have been

*forgot to post this… oh mom brain

I thought I would give an update on my resolutions since it has been over 14 days

Most resolutions last only 14 days, did you know that?

Well I am proud to say that most of mine are going strong. I am exercising, reading, most days I am eating healthy, there are even entire days that the downstairs of my house is CLEAN!!

I have not concentrated on my business yet, which is upsetting but sometimes it feels like there are not enough hours in the day.

I am pretty excited to say that I’ll be recording a video of me working on some Valentine’s day resin pieces. I am both excited and nervous because I’m awkward. I am hoping that I will just come off as cool and relaxed, lol.

I have already finished Me Before You and started on After You, the sequel. I’m probably going to start blogging about the books that I read versus their movie counterparts. I LOVE comparing them!

I am very proud to say that my resolutions are rubbing off on my kids, my oldest son, who HATES reading, has been caught reading a book on his own time twice! And they are both getting more active with me and wanting to workout.

I was really hoping that making positive changes in my life would run off on my kids. Though they are not fat AT ALL I want them to have a healthy outlook on diet and exercise that will help them their entire life. When I was younger I was skinny, and I took that for granted. I was super out of shape and struggled to even get through a gym class. It makes getting skinnier after being obese for so long really hard.

So now that it is actually the beginning of February I can say that I am still keeping the downstairs of my house clean, working out, walking (I did 90 miles last month) and I’m eating pretty well!

I’m excited about the positive changes that I’m seeing in the house

Feeling proud

New Year… new me??

Quick answer is definitely no.

I’m not changing myself, there isn’t anything wrong with me!! <—- that’s me pretending I have self confidence

I have things I could improve on, like washing, folding and putting away the laundry in a 2 day period, max.

What I’m calling my New Year’s Resolution is Live a Life Worth Blogging About.

I want to make sure that my family is living, really living. Not stuck in front of the TV or in the house. I want them to live.

I have goals though.

1. I want to work out at least 4 times a week.

2. I want to read at least one book a month.

3. I want to make sure that I am prioritizing my business. I have a business that I haven’t really written about here and I’ve been really lazy with it.

4. My house… I am a slob IRL. I don’t prioritize cleaning AT ALL. But since buying a house, the kids having friends coming over, me meeting moms that come over and having a mom that is a clean freak who hates coming to my house because it’s messy. I want to do better cleaning my house.

5. My marriage, that is pretty self evident. You should ALWAYS work on your relationship.

6. Eat less. I LOVE food. Love it. I want to keep losing weight and my problem is food.

So those are my goals, most of them, maybe all. I want to hopefully keep these going. I sure you know that most people give up their resolutions within 2 weeks.

What are your resolutions? Do you ever stick with them or not buy into it at all?

Merry Christmas!!

Christmas has come and gone now. The gifts have been unwrapped, toys played with, food eaten and kids are now asleep.

Well most of the house is asleep. I am up finishing my book

I am going up to bed, but I thought I would blog the day.

Our Christmas Eve went according to plan completely. Dinner, church, toast, opening one gift.

If you are a parent or an aunt, uncle, grandparent or anyone who helps with a child you know the rush and work that gets put in on Christmas Eve night after the kids are asleep. There is last minute wrapping, toys that need to be built, organizing of the presents and various other tasks. All for giving our kids the most magical Christmas ever!!

On Christmas morning the nerves and excitement are coursing through your veins hoping they love everything, even though you won’t get credit for everything you did *Santa*. But it is all worth it to see the smiles on their faces

This year was a hard one for me. I did not buy my older 2 kids (9 and 8) a single toy! Not a one.

I did not come to this decision lightly and I went back and forth multiple times. My kids don’t play with toys much anymore AND they have so many that they really didn’t NEED anymore. I decided to get them gifts that they would use more than once and things that would stimulate their minds.

I almost cried when I went to bed last night after setting up because we celebrate Christmas with my family. My brother has 3 boys and their piles were HUGE, piles of toys.

I knew my kids were going to see those piles and compare theirs, which were much smaller.

*this is our first Christmas with one income and in the past, even as a single mom I SPOILED my kids*

I tried to think positive and say that they would appreciate what they got.

It was as almost true. My son loved what he got, his big present was a build your own computer kit and monitor. He will be able to code his own Minecraft games.

My daughter did not appreciate much at first, she saw the size difference between piles and she was jealous. She smiled as she opened her gifts, but there wasn’t her normal joy. She didn’t get a “big” gift so to speak, she got roller skates and a radio/bluetooth speaker for listening to music.

I was hurt and disappointed to say the least, but there was nothing I could do. The parents open their gifts after the kids and then we eat breakfast.

After breakfast she came to me with her skates and asked if she could try them. I was so excited!

We went outside and practiced… this was her first time in skates

She did well, which is normal. She excels at anything physical.

After that her whole attitude changed.

I felt so much better.

And despite not recieving any toys, my children never once said, I’m bored!!

Some random pictures

Oh yeah… I got a DSLR camera!!

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to all and now it’s officially CHRISTMAS TIME

So its Thanksgiving today, well it was Thanksgiving today. Its 10pm and for me and my family, its over. I finally just got the baby down

Yes that really is the baby and myself in a really dark room. I wasn’t going to use the flash and risk waking him up!

He’s been difficult these last few weeks.

I don’t really take many pics on Thanksgiving because I’m usually recovering from working LONG overnights or getting ready to go to work because, retail.

*insert Hunger Games Whistle* recognition to those who work retail

This is my first year in 6 years where Thanksgiving was actually a holiday, so it was a new experience for me.

My big kids are always with their dad on Thanksgiving and normally this doesn’t bother me at all… I’m at work. But this year was different and it made me sad. I miss them, even in less than a day.

But the day continued as any holiday, big family get together, lots of food, good cheer, laughter and a huge amount of stress for the chick who suffers from social anxiety, lol.

Having kids is kind of a buffer for me. When people are around my big kids, they just want to compliment them and talk about them and that is FINE with me. Without them, the topic of what the baby has going on ends quickly. He has 2 teeth, taking steps and yes we vaccinate. End.

And then I’m left with a pit in my stomach and an awkward face that makes people think I’m sick, haha.

But I survived and now I have 3 days with my husband in my old stomping grounds so we are going to see what fun we can come up with!

Happy Thanksgiving to all and now we are officially in CHRISTMAS TIME!!!

Losing Part of Myself

Well, if I’m being honest I’m trying to lose about 50lbs of myself…

So I had a baby in January. In the beginning of the pregnancy I was 193lbs(the heaviest I’ve ever been) and a week before birth I was 196lbs. SUPER exciting stuff, I only gained 3lbs!!!

Not so much.

I had the worst morning sickness for 20 weeks and I actually lost 10lbs, the most weight I’ve lost in awhile. But after the morning sickness went away I gained all the weight back plus 3lbs.

When I went to the doctor after having the baby I was 187lbs. I honestly looked awesome and felt great too. I went to Goodwill and bought pants in a smaller size then before pregnancy. I kept it off for 3 months and then breastfeeding munchies hit me hard.

I know this doesn’t affect everyone but I know that some women(like myself) suffer from super sugary munchies and it’s almost never enough. So I went from being 187lbs to 206lbs… my new heavy.

Enter a level of depression I haven’t seen in awhile. I felt disgusting and I looked it as well, nothing fit and even when I got something zipped up I looked like over stuffed sausage.

My husband tried to make me feel better and attractive but it doesn’t matter what other people think of me, just me.

So after a few months of this, I decided to try to lose weight. We don’t have a lot of extra money so a gym membership is out of question, plus not all gyms have childcare.

I started researching, I LOVE to research, and I came up with a game plan. I found an exercise group of moms and I could bring the baby.

NEM—No Excuse Moms

I also discovered intermittent fasting. Since most of my fat problem is in my belly the answer for me would have to be diet.

So I started my odyssey with dieting. When you start intermittent fasting you need to do it slowly, well I needed to. I got really dizzy and bad headaches. I started with a 12:12 ratio and I worked my way to a 16:8 ratio, which means I eat for 8 hours and fast for 12. It seemed daunting when I first started, I am a muncher. I eat when I’m sad, happy, bored, tired(especially tired) so basically I was eating constantly and it felt like I was starving myself when I started the diet.

I also found a calorie calculator to watch my calories. With breastfeeding you need to take in an extra 300-500 calories, so that was factored in.

I did the diet for about a month, slowly limiting the hours I was eating and adjusting myself. I then added exercise. I did not lose any weight with dieting, but I did feel better, and I lost an inch off my stomach.

So after I get used to the fasting and reduced calories I joined the mom’s group. They met twice a week and it was different workouts each time.

They hosted a weightloss challenge starting in August. The winner would get money. Long story short, I didn’t win, but I lost 6lbs in 2 months and I was/am extremely proud of myself.

The group

23/23ish

So obviously I’m not done. I’m at 196lbs and I need to get to 150lbs.

Took a turn

The job that I had once loved had taken a turn for the worst and I hated life.

So about 6 months ago I quit a job that I had been at for over 5 years. I was a manager at this job and had always intended to move up the ladder, but their practices made it difficult. The job that I had once loved had taken a turn for the worst and I hated life. Everyday showing up was absolute agony. My last day was such a crazy ordeal to me. I showed up at 6am, almost 9 months pregnant to push a truck, basically by myself because no one else was scheduled. I worked my five and a half hours(I had cut back hours for health reasons) and I left. No one said goodbye or even cared. I had worked for the company for 5 years, given them literal blood, sweat and tears, sacrificed time with my kids and hurt myself in more than one way to get my job done and none of it mattered.

That is retail.

I do want to say that in those 5 years I met some amazing people, I even married one of them! And 2 more of them were bridesmaids. I grew so much as a manager/leader and I took away some great memories; it hurt a little that my leaving wasn’t remarked by anyone.

Since then, my life has grown infinitely better. I am a stay at home mom who is also starting a business. I have friends that I occasionally hang out with and an amazing husband who, even when I want to kill him, I love more than anything. Life isn’t perfect but it is pretty damn close. I miss making money though, I get very frustrated because I am not contributing monetarily to the household, that’s really my pride speaking. I do a lot for my family and often it goes unappreciated but I still have a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day. I am working on taking time out for me each day though. I blog here, read a book

and I am trying to work on my screenplay, I need more hours in the day or to manage my time more wisely. Right now, for example I am laying across my bed with my eyes barely open because baby boy did not sleep well last night but still woke up at 6 this morning. I should be sleeping but I’m waiting for my husband to finish his D&D game(yes I married a NERD), I like to fall asleep with him.

I’m tired

This was just therapeutic

To call this an update would be a trivialization.

Since my last blog I have gotten married, gone on my honeymoon, gave away my dog, adopted cats, watched all available episodes of Brooklyn 99 twice, quit my job, started a business, had a baby, bought a house, packed up one house and unpacked into another, celebrated my 2 eldest birthdays, spring vacation, rescued some rats, rewatched New Girl, summer vacation and re-started my weightloss adventure (which I’m calling an odyssey because it’s going to take AWHILE).

Just thinking about everything involved is exhausting. I have had to rearrange my entire life in the last 10 months.

I’ll probably blog about most of those on their own and now I have created my own comprehensive list to go down!

Right now I am sitting on my bed at 11:23pm typing this on my phone because I’m too lazy to go downstairs to get my computer. I am watching the cats chase each other like assholes; they waited until most of the house was sleeping to play.

My big kids are on summer vacation and it’s now my job to entertain them every day AND make sure they don’t unlearn everything that they learned during the school year. I created a schedule of reading Monday thru Friday for 20 mins, math on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, writing on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Needless to say they are not thrilled with me because their friends don’t have to do schoolwork (as I type this my daughter’s whiny voice rings in my head). They have the weekends off and the week they will be with their dad. But I get to add teacher to my already impressive resume.

I am currently a mother to 3 children(one 5 months old), cats and rats(which are MY pet). So I am responsible for their wellbeing, keeping them alive, fed and entertained. I am a housewife, meaning I clean, cook, do laundry, run errands, plan out meals and weekly activities, budget. I have a business to run(with my mom). I am in charge of social media, the website, creating pieces to sell, advertising, planning, trying to make our dreams a reality. I am a wife, so I have to prioritize my marriage. Make sure I’m a lady on the street and a freak in the sheets, to put it mildly. I need to lose weight for health reasons and also because my kids friends call me fat… and that hurts, I’m not going to lie. I also need to find ways to bring income into the house… we don’t NEED it but I need to fund my business and that isn’t really in our budget SO I dog sit and I also search Pinterest and the internet for legit ways to make money at home, while dealing with everything else in my life.

I’m also a daughter and an older sister to 3 siblings who live scattered around the world. I love them all dearly and do my best to keep up with their lives.

Ohhh… also I’m an ex-wife who had 2 kids with her previous spouse and I also have to work him into my life. Which I am WAY TOO accommodating, I get told by many people.

So I have all of that going on, with my anxiety/depression and the fears of marriage that I have as a result of my first disaster down the aisle. I live in a state of “waiting for the other shoe to drop “.

Well this was just therapeutic… I feel so much better.

Life Update

It has been over 4 months since my last post and it honestly feels like an entire lifetime has passed. My fiance and I are actually married, though most of our family doesn’t know, we are having an actual wedding later this month. We have moved to a new place, that is bigger and more expensive(which still makes me nervous). I am pregnant… which was part of the plan in February, getting pregnant in February not giving birth then. I am getting tired just thinking about everything that has happened in the last few months. There were days when it was just too much and I found myself crying in the shower when everyone else slept.

The first challenge that I(we, just assume I am always including my husband)  faced was finding a new place to live. We were living with my BFF/co-worker and though I love her, we were cramping each other styles. So we needed to find our own place and something much bigger, we were basically squeezing 4 people into 2 small rooms. We knew from the beginning that we needed at least 3 bedrooms so each kid could have their own room. It was really location, location, location and kind of price as well.  We were living in an area that my son was doing well in school but my daughter was not. My son has ADHD and he really needs a VERY patient teacher that has experience with kids like him. He got a lot of one on one attention because of his IEP, but the school genuinely seemed to care about his well being and education. I need to point out that this was not a “great” school, test scores were not the best but the school really was. My daughter did not thrive in the school because it was not one of those “great” and challenging schools. She is super smart and very determined to get things done and always be the best, but she was not challenged and was actually made fun of by the other kids for being smart. Eventually she just gave into peer pressure and stop challenging herself. So there is our first challenge, do we try to stay in the area we are in for Brian or move to a better school district for Mackenzie.

Well that brings me to our second challenge, price. Matt and I are not poor by any means but we also don’t have enough money for $2000 a month in rent. We are trying to save money to eventually buy a house, so we have to consider that. We set our budget at $1300 a month and we stuck to it. That budget quickly eliminated where we were currently staying, the cheapest rent for a 3 bedroom was $1500. So we started looking at other areas. If you are familiar with Charlotte, NC you know that you will find some pretty cheap rents in some really questionable areas so I had to be a housing detective. I had found a website that actually showed me the crime rate in the area and then of course I had to research the schools.

The research led me into South Carolina and the Fort Mill school area. We found a place that had an amazing rent and started the application process. We both got really excited about the place and started making our exit arrangements with our current place. We passed the credit/background check but when it came to fiances we made too much money…. now as I mentioned earlier, we are not poor but we are not rich either and that blew our mind and broke my heart. So then panic mode set in, we are only a few weeks from the end of our lease and we had to start the process all over again.

My anxiety was in over drive and I was frantically messaging any place I could that had availability. There was a place that I had fallen in love with a few years ago but could never afford by myself and it had the exact model that I wanted available on the day that I needed it. It was like fate. I called and put a deposit on it that day. There ended our new home drama.