November 30 2019

It has been a year since I have seen your face, felt your smile or heard you say “Honey” the unique way that you did.

The last time I saw my Nanny was 11/30/19.

We had a makeshift Thanksgiving dinner in her trailer after our plans had failed. My brother, his family, Matt, me and Tobias all crowded into her house and ate our fill. She got to meet my niece Ava for the first time and see Tobias again. It was a tight squeeze but we made it work and I am eternally grateful that we did.

That night is not actually the last time I saw her though. I was supposed to drop off presents to her from my mom but Matt had taken them out of the trunk and did not put them back. The morning after our dinner I got up at 530am and drove the hour and a half to drop them off. That is the last time I saw her. I am extremely grateful I got those few extra minutes with her and I got one last hug; if I had known it was the last one I would have made it last longer.

My only regret is that I did not get a single picture and I know that I have the memory and that is a lot but I regret in general not getting more pictures with her. We saw her several times a year and I never took pictures. She couldn’t make it to my wedding because she was hospitalized again; but I video chatted with her and I wish I had asked the photographer to capture that.

We went to the beach again for Thanksgiving and I cried almost the entire way there. I tear up every time we head that way now because I know she isn’t there. But knowing that it had been one year since I have seen her was especially hard to process, I ugly cried several times and I am wiping some pretty substantial tears off my face as I type.

I can’t say much more on the subject now.

I love and miss you Nanny. I carry you here in my heart.

I’m Not Okay

My grandmother died. She was alone in a train station on her way to visit family.

I called her Nanny and I have been struggling to write down the words about her. Actually I’ve been struggling in general.

I have been putting on a front, brave face, but I’m hurt. I can’t believe she is gone. I can’t believe that I’ll never hear her call me honey again.

I think the shock is what is getting me the most, I’ve lost grandparents; but I knew they were dying. I was prepared for that pain. I was not prepared for a call from my dad on a random Wednesday night telling me the grandmother that was only in her 70s is gone.

I’m struggling now. I can barely swipe my words on my phone’s keyboard.

She was a piece of home for me. Growing up a military brat we moved around A LOT, so we didn’t have a physical home, we had people “homes”. I’ve lost most of them now; my nanny, my PopPop, their houses and my parents.

I still have my parents, thank God, but its not the same honestly. Everybody has issues with parents at some point and I’m no different, my Nanny was my safe place. She didn’t judge me, or get mad at me, she was always proud of me. She just loved me.

I’m thankful I got her for the time I did. I’m thankful that she moved closer to us and that I kept a close relationship with her. I am glad I made a point of seeing her every chance I could.

But I miss you Nanny

I will carry you here in my heart

I’m Not Okay