My favorite topic

It really isn’t my favorite, but I think I write about it the most.

I have started an exercise program AGAIN…. I will have to go through my blogs to count the number that mention me losing weight or working out. I know it is a lot and as much as I try to pretend that I am ok looking the way I do, I AM NOT…..

So a couple of weeks ago my husband and I went to the vineyard where we were married. It was our first time back and I got dressed up, I wanted to look nice! I put on this blue dress that always made me feel beautiful(skinny) and I put makeup on(I don’t normally). I was dressed to the nines!! I felt amazing and I asked my husband to take pictures of me, I don’t have many pictures of me looking nice.

I thought I was looking great

He sent me the pictures a few days later and the happy bubble that I had created for myself popped. I burst into tears and I started throwing a pity party for myself. I really looked at myself in the mirror and…. gross.

SO once again I am trying working out to lose my belly, back, arm, thigh and any other body part fat. I have started LIIFT4 from Beachbody. I was doing this before I broke my toe in July and I loved it! I have doubled the weight I was using so it is much harder, but I am praying that it will be worth it. I have not gotten to the point where I love working out or crave it like a drug, but I am pushing through the sore muscles and fatigue. My bigger kids are being really supportive and they have done the workouts with me and have tried to help me out around the house because I am exhausted.

My self worth does…

I keep hoping that I can stick with the program because I need to feel better about myself. I know that my  worth isn’t in how I look, but I don’t really care. I want to fit in my clothes, I want to look at pictures of myself and not want to puke, I want to be proud of myself again and I want to be strong! When my husband tells me that I am beautiful I want to believe him.

I am aware that the skinny brat (who thought she was fat) I was before kids is gone, but I would like that fat lump of lard that has replaced her to disappear a little too, lol. This is said with lighthearted intent.

I have filled my phone with motivation

Have you ever lost a large amount of weight? Or finished something that you started multiple times?

June 15th

I was scanning my Facebook memories, as I do each day, but this day was different.

Apparently June 15th I feel compelled to upload a selfie roughly every 2 years.

A five year history of me

I started looking at the pictures and thinking about the different things happening in my life at each point.

June 2015- I was almost 2 yrs out of my first marriage and I had tried dating for the first time that year… it didn’t go well. I was exercising about 5 days a week, 30lbs down from 2 yrs prior. I was working a job that I loved. I wore makeup….I was feeling myself!  My life was about to change drastically though and it would propel me into the life I’m living now.

June 2017- I was living in a new state, at a new store, now a POG team lead.  I had gained ALL 30lbs back and more. I was dating my now husband and we were about to move in together. I loved my job, but the position was about to disappear and I was TIRED constantly.

June 2019- I am married again, a new homeowner and I had a baby back in January. I am getting barely any sleep, can’t even open my eyes completely and about 10 min after this picture is taken I am told how lazy of a mom I am (by my daughter) because I don’t want to take the kids to the pool. Mom guilt pushed me and my terrible self esteem to squeeze my fat ass into a swimsuit. It wasn’t a fun day for me at all.

June 2020…. where do I even start??? Ignoring the world around me that’s burning down. I’m actually doing well. I’ve gotten serious about losing ALL the weight over gained. Mentally I have great days and terrible days but I’m recovering faster than ever. I have an amazing support group and I feel strong. I’m remembering my self worth comes from me and I am not letting anyone’s hurtful actions ruin that again! I am doing this for me.

I’m going to be pushing myself to work on my business, I am hoping to start gaining some financial independence while being at home with the kids. We are homeschooling this upcoming year and I am excited for this new challenge. Getting out of my comfort zone to better my kids.

Do you ever reflect on your past and how it has brought you to where you are now? Do you still have hope for 2020, or have you given up??

January 19th… well it would have been

*forgot to post this… oh mom brain

I thought I would give an update on my resolutions since it has been over 14 days

Most resolutions last only 14 days, did you know that?

Well I am proud to say that most of mine are going strong. I am exercising, reading, most days I am eating healthy, there are even entire days that the downstairs of my house is CLEAN!!

I have not concentrated on my business yet, which is upsetting but sometimes it feels like there are not enough hours in the day.

I am pretty excited to say that I’ll be recording a video of me working on some Valentine’s day resin pieces. I am both excited and nervous because I’m awkward. I am hoping that I will just come off as cool and relaxed, lol.

I have already finished Me Before You and started on After You, the sequel. I’m probably going to start blogging about the books that I read versus their movie counterparts. I LOVE comparing them!

I am very proud to say that my resolutions are rubbing off on my kids, my oldest son, who HATES reading, has been caught reading a book on his own time twice! And they are both getting more active with me and wanting to workout.

I was really hoping that making positive changes in my life would run off on my kids. Though they are not fat AT ALL I want them to have a healthy outlook on diet and exercise that will help them their entire life. When I was younger I was skinny, and I took that for granted. I was super out of shape and struggled to even get through a gym class. It makes getting skinnier after being obese for so long really hard.

So now that it is actually the beginning of February I can say that I am still keeping the downstairs of my house clean, working out, walking (I did 90 miles last month) and I’m eating pretty well!

I’m excited about the positive changes that I’m seeing in the house

Feeling proud

New Year… new me??

Quick answer is definitely no.

I’m not changing myself, there isn’t anything wrong with me!! <—- that’s me pretending I have self confidence

I have things I could improve on, like washing, folding and putting away the laundry in a 2 day period, max.

What I’m calling my New Year’s Resolution is Live a Life Worth Blogging About.

I want to make sure that my family is living, really living. Not stuck in front of the TV or in the house. I want them to live.

I have goals though.

1. I want to work out at least 4 times a week.

2. I want to read at least one book a month.

3. I want to make sure that I am prioritizing my business. I have a business that I haven’t really written about here and I’ve been really lazy with it.

4. My house… I am a slob IRL. I don’t prioritize cleaning AT ALL. But since buying a house, the kids having friends coming over, me meeting moms that come over and having a mom that is a clean freak who hates coming to my house because it’s messy. I want to do better cleaning my house.

5. My marriage, that is pretty self evident. You should ALWAYS work on your relationship.

6. Eat less. I LOVE food. Love it. I want to keep losing weight and my problem is food.

So those are my goals, most of them, maybe all. I want to hopefully keep these going. I sure you know that most people give up their resolutions within 2 weeks.

What are your resolutions? Do you ever stick with them or not buy into it at all?