Truth of Motherhood

I have seen many posts shared on Facebook about motherhood and how we (women) lose ourselves when we become mothers. They talk about the guilt and the weight gain, the depression. And that is only part of being a mother.

So much changes after women have kids, and I don’t want to demean what men go through, I can’t speak of it personally though.

Our bodies are never the same; fat in new places, stretch marks, nipples twice the size and darker. My breasts look like deflated balloons when I’m not breastfeeding.

The hormones we have racing through our bodies is INSANE. It’s similar to SC weather, 30 degrees at 7am and 70 degrees at noon, snow the next day.

The first time we hold the baby that’s been destroying us for 40 weeks is …. I can’t even think of a word. We go through the traumatic experience of labor and then we are handed this tiny human who depends completely on us. And though there are plenty of books, they don’t actually help you with your first post labor bowel movement or survive that first night home.

The love and compulsion to keep this little human safe is overwhelming. We have never felt this strongly about anything and it is terrifying. The first time they get shots and let out that shrill cry, the first time they have to “cry it out”, the first bruise/fall. Learning the heimlich for babies because your daughter is actually choking on an apple. The fear and sadness that we feel, going through these totally normal and necessary moments in our babies lives.

Our heart, or a large part of it, is literally walking around outside our body.

We want to be the best mother we can be, whether we are a stay at home mom or working mom. We sacrifice ouselves, body, sanity, sleep, diet, health, careers, all to be involved. Society tells us whatever we are doing is never enough or good enough. We push ourselves to the limit.

I wasn’t actually going in this direction when I started this post, but the blog took me here.

What I am saying here is motherhood is hard, again I’m not demeaning fatherhood, and moms if you read this. I salute you.

Next blog- Keeping Your “Self” in Motherhood

Sleep is For the Weak

I have told myself this many times in a vain attempt to satiate my desire for more.

Have you seen the memes about sacrificing something to be able to fall asleep? That is how I feel every night.

I want to sleep. I wish to sleep. I take different medicines to help me sleep, but nothing really works. Melatonin gets me to sleep quickly, but I wake up within 4 hours and I am awake for good. Midnite doesn’t help me fall asleep so I wake up groggy. Actual sleeping pills are much too strong and I struggle to fully regain consciousness. I’m not joking.

Why do I struggle?

Partly because I married a man who snores louder than a garbage disposal, I’m currently listening to it as I type.

I am breastfeeding my youngest and he has been doing this thing where he wakes up as I’m trying to go to bed, ready to play. Or… he wakes up at 2 in the morning and he brings things into our bed and sometimes in the process knocks me in the face.

I have anxiety and the quiet still of the night is the perfect time to replay ALL of the mistakes you have made in life.

Also, the quiet time is great for planning your next day and going over what you got done today and wonder if it is enough to justify feeling accomplished.

I am a light sleeper, so if my kids go to the bathroom (which is not near my bedroom door) I hear it. Or if the cats feel like making a racket.

I hear everything. And it wakes me up.

I’m so tired. And I’m constantly tired.

My current situation, he is finally asleep again. I know the picture is dark, if I used the flash it would look like Gondor calling for aid.

I have been a “bad” sleeper for years, but these last few months have felt worse.

My eyes are starting to get heavy.

Good night. But not so much for me.