Leaving 2020 Behind

Finally leaving this year behind. I want to reflect on what has happened… the good, the bad and the ugly.

This year has been full of ups and downs. Moments I have loved and moments I wish wouldn’t have happened. I obviously will not re-live all of these moments with you but some things I am concentrating on right now.

So for reference, here is what I wanted to work on this year

First reaction…. laughter

I want to make sure my family is really living… not stuck in the house…. I feel like I might be to blame for Covid….

Ok so…. literally nothing was accomplished on this list because CORONAVIRUS!!

Well… I can’t say that. I did actually read ALOT more than I have in the last 5 years; by which I mean listened to an audiobook OR actually read them. And I really enjoyed getting excited about what was going to happen to the character next, I love the anticipation that a good book can create! I will be continuing that into the new year.

But I basically failed at everything else.

In my high moments, I started homeschooling and honestly I love it! Yeah its stressful and there are rough moments but I love teaching my kids. We have spent A LOT of time together this year. The 4 (mostly the 3 of us, but the baby helps) of us have done some pretty fun experiments, like making a cloud in a jar or growing crystals. We have spent more time together outside then we have spent in a LONG time. Basically those are my good moments, our family time. We have really come together/bonded.

I tried making YouTube videos. I stopped because I have too much on my plate… but I tried!

These are dollar store crafts I made!

I started getting more of my projects done around the house, trying to make this place feel like home.

I threw some awesome birthday parties. Got really creative with decorations.

I took LOTS of pictures. I really do enjoy my photography hobby. I got to see the sunrise over the beach twice this year!

We went to the beach more this year. I need the salt air in my life, it cleanses my emotional palate and gives me a fresh outlook on life.

In my low moments… well both my grandmother’s died this year and I’m still healing.

My depression/anxiety has been at an all time high. I have not been in a good place mentally this year for so many reasons. I feel like most of us have been in a dark place for a least a little bit this year.

I gained 20lbs this year, I am heading into 2021 weighing more than I have ever weighed. My confidence is almost non-existent and my self hatred is at an all time high. I am stuck in this rut where I start to work out but get injured due to my weight and then stop working out to heal, get depressed because I can’t workout and then binge eat ANYTHING.

Throwback to when I was feeling myself
I am hoping to do more 5ks this year

Even my marriage has had some tribulations that I was not expecting. But we are going to be just fine!

So going into 2021 I am not going to list resolutions or goals. Going into this year I am creating a mantra….

Be better.

Be better about being nicer to myself

Be better about taking care of myself

Be better about putting my mental/emotional/physical health first

Be better at acknowledging what I get done and not focusing on what I didn’t.

Be better at taking compliments AND believing them

Be better about believing I am loved more than I am hated.

Be better about asking for help and demanding it if necessary.

Be better about remembering what life has already thrown at me because I survived it all.

So going into 2021 I am hopeful for a better year, a better me!!

Are you making resolutions this year??

November 30 2019

It has been a year since I have seen your face, felt your smile or heard you say “Honey” the unique way that you did.

The last time I saw my Nanny was 11/30/19.

We had a makeshift Thanksgiving dinner in her trailer after our plans had failed. My brother, his family, Matt, me and Tobias all crowded into her house and ate our fill. She got to meet my niece Ava for the first time and see Tobias again. It was a tight squeeze but we made it work and I am eternally grateful that we did.

That night is not actually the last time I saw her though. I was supposed to drop off presents to her from my mom but Matt had taken them out of the trunk and did not put them back. The morning after our dinner I got up at 530am and drove the hour and a half to drop them off. That is the last time I saw her. I am extremely grateful I got those few extra minutes with her and I got one last hug; if I had known it was the last one I would have made it last longer.

My only regret is that I did not get a single picture and I know that I have the memory and that is a lot but I regret in general not getting more pictures with her. We saw her several times a year and I never took pictures. She couldn’t make it to my wedding because she was hospitalized again; but I video chatted with her and I wish I had asked the photographer to capture that.

We went to the beach again for Thanksgiving and I cried almost the entire way there. I tear up every time we head that way now because I know she isn’t there. But knowing that it had been one year since I have seen her was especially hard to process, I ugly cried several times and I am wiping some pretty substantial tears off my face as I type.

I can’t say much more on the subject now.

I love and miss you Nanny. I carry you here in my heart.

Feeling Overwhelmed

I was supposed to do a blog post on Weds for Bonnie’s Book Club. If you were anticipating that, I apologize. I’ve been a little overwhelmed.

I have been biting off more than I can chew lately, it’s a pretty constant problem in my life. I constantly want to go go go but I put so much on my plate, then my depression kicks in so I get NOTHING done. My anxiety then let’s me know what a worthless POS I am and we go round and round.

BUT some great things are slowly happening… the kids and I got some Halloween decorations up

We got some much needed yard work done, we chopped down 5 trees and sprayed the weeds, I might need to do that again.

I have lost 6lbs!! I know that is a seemingly minor victory BUT for me it’s pretty huge.

Homeschool is going… ok… ish… there are great days and days when the kids and I scream at each other. We finally got to the library (our local is closed for renovations). The closest one we can go to is 45min away… and it is in a temporary building. But it was great to get new books!

I have done SO MANY LOADS OF LAUNDRY this week. I gave clothes away, donated some can goods.

I have been working really hard to get my life in order, but I still have SO MUCH TO DO.

That’s where I am this Friday night. I hope you all have a fantastic weekend!! Got any definite plans? We have 90% chance of rain so we are staying in.

I have been neutered!

So after my wife and I had our third child we took a look at our lives and realized there was nothing left to do.  We had reached that perfect level, our amazing family of four was complimented by adding our wildest and probably most rambunctious little one.

We sat and had a long…

looooooooooooong…

loooooooooooooooooooong…talk.

When I say long talk it was basically “alright we had Tobias that’s it we’re done.”

So the next step was to ensure we didn’t add more skin babies to the family and thus we come to a story of me getting snipped. The snipping of 2020 as it shall be known.

So Thursday I had my appointment to get the vasectomy done. I took a valium about an hour before the procedure. My majestic wife drove me to the office and back I went.

Waiting in the lobby

I was not expecting the feeling in my stomach, as most guys know any hit, punch, accidental tug makes your stomach turn. Well even with being numb down there you can 100% feel it in your stomach and when he tugged I almost threw up! Stronger stomach prevailed and I was good after that.

The recovery hasn’t been bad but I was extremely sore and passed out right at around 7 last night and didn’t wake up until about 7:40 this morning when my wife came to check on me.

So now I’m sitting on the couch, watching the first Cars movie with my youngest before my wife starts the errands. So I’m planning on doing some writing while I recover and maybe one or two updates since cant really do much.

My wife asked if I needed anything while she was out;Of course I asked for ice cream. She wanted to know what flavor I said it didnt matter it was for my balls. <—— name that movie!! (line might not be exactly the same)

So see you guys soon and remember always spay and neuter!!!

It’s the most wonderful time of the year!!

Yeah… I’m one of THOSE people! I love fall/Christmas, their existence makes my daily life worth living.

Fall Festivals, Octoberfest, Renaissance festival, caramel apples, pumpkin pie, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, decorating… did I mention decorating?

Well we started our fall adventures yesterday with a trip to a localish farm for a corn maze and various other fun things.

The kids got to “mine” gems, they had a messy blast and got some beautiful souvenirs

They need to be scrubbed

They had some pretty amazing smelling food, we didn’t eat any because both my husband and I are watching what we eat. This is a tough time of year for that, lol.

So that was our first activity of the season, but it won’t be our last. We start decorating for Halloween today!

Do you love fall? Do you have any family traditions?

Quarantine #1

Let’s be real. This isn’t going to be my only quarantine post.

I’m late with posting this week, my normal posting schedule is Friday and Monday. Obviously life is a little upside down for everyone right now and I’m no different.

My kids are on their second week of school at home and my husband is now working at home as well. So life is interesting. I also lost my Grandma this week, she died in her sleep after having a stroke, so I am also in mourning again.

So this past month has been rough with losing my Nanny and then my Grandma, kids being stuck in the house and now my husband.

Homeschooling has been interesting, but I’ll write about that another time. Today I want to write about the fun stuff we have been doing to not kill each other!

The older kids still have schoolwork to do so they don’t have to be entertained 24/7. I also am not the parent that restricts screen time often and that saves my sanity at this point. But even still I don’t want them staring at the TV or tablet constantly so we have tried other things

Chalk Mosaic

With some masking tape, chalk, time and patience we created this. It was actually for our neighbors to see as they are walking the neighborhood.

One of 14 anoles spotted

On nice days we are outside doing schoolwork, yardwork and spotting wildlife. We found 14 anoles in one day.

We are spending more time as a family, inside or out. Battleship, Googly Eyes Showdown, Mousetrap. Fire pits and burning things.

When we are inside we are watching movies together or crafting

I made homemade paint from flour, salt, food coloring and water for the baby. He LOVED it!

We painted our tub

That’s it for all, its not perfect but we are all living still. There are frustrations and short nerves fights between kids. But I love having my family home.

I’m Not Okay

My grandmother died. She was alone in a train station on her way to visit family.

I called her Nanny and I have been struggling to write down the words about her. Actually I’ve been struggling in general.

I have been putting on a front, brave face, but I’m hurt. I can’t believe she is gone. I can’t believe that I’ll never hear her call me honey again.

I think the shock is what is getting me the most, I’ve lost grandparents; but I knew they were dying. I was prepared for that pain. I was not prepared for a call from my dad on a random Wednesday night telling me the grandmother that was only in her 70s is gone.

I’m struggling now. I can barely swipe my words on my phone’s keyboard.

She was a piece of home for me. Growing up a military brat we moved around A LOT, so we didn’t have a physical home, we had people “homes”. I’ve lost most of them now; my nanny, my PopPop, their houses and my parents.

I still have my parents, thank God, but its not the same honestly. Everybody has issues with parents at some point and I’m no different, my Nanny was my safe place. She didn’t judge me, or get mad at me, she was always proud of me. She just loved me.

I’m thankful I got her for the time I did. I’m thankful that she moved closer to us and that I kept a close relationship with her. I am glad I made a point of seeing her every chance I could.

But I miss you Nanny

I will carry you here in my heart

I’m Not Okay

Truth of Motherhood

I have seen many posts shared on Facebook about motherhood and how we (women) lose ourselves when we become mothers. They talk about the guilt and the weight gain, the depression. And that is only part of being a mother.

So much changes after women have kids, and I don’t want to demean what men go through, I can’t speak of it personally though.

Our bodies are never the same; fat in new places, stretch marks, nipples twice the size and darker. My breasts look like deflated balloons when I’m not breastfeeding.

The hormones we have racing through our bodies is INSANE. It’s similar to SC weather, 30 degrees at 7am and 70 degrees at noon, snow the next day.

The first time we hold the baby that’s been destroying us for 40 weeks is …. I can’t even think of a word. We go through the traumatic experience of labor and then we are handed this tiny human who depends completely on us. And though there are plenty of books, they don’t actually help you with your first post labor bowel movement or survive that first night home.

The love and compulsion to keep this little human safe is overwhelming. We have never felt this strongly about anything and it is terrifying. The first time they get shots and let out that shrill cry, the first time they have to “cry it out”, the first bruise/fall. Learning the heimlich for babies because your daughter is actually choking on an apple. The fear and sadness that we feel, going through these totally normal and necessary moments in our babies lives.

Our heart, or a large part of it, is literally walking around outside our body.

We want to be the best mother we can be, whether we are a stay at home mom or working mom. We sacrifice ouselves, body, sanity, sleep, diet, health, careers, all to be involved. Society tells us whatever we are doing is never enough or good enough. We push ourselves to the limit.

I wasn’t actually going in this direction when I started this post, but the blog took me here.

What I am saying here is motherhood is hard, again I’m not demeaning fatherhood, and moms if you read this. I salute you.

Next blog- Keeping Your “Self” in Motherhood

January 19th… well it would have been

*forgot to post this… oh mom brain

I thought I would give an update on my resolutions since it has been over 14 days

Most resolutions last only 14 days, did you know that?

Well I am proud to say that most of mine are going strong. I am exercising, reading, most days I am eating healthy, there are even entire days that the downstairs of my house is CLEAN!!

I have not concentrated on my business yet, which is upsetting but sometimes it feels like there are not enough hours in the day.

I am pretty excited to say that I’ll be recording a video of me working on some Valentine’s day resin pieces. I am both excited and nervous because I’m awkward. I am hoping that I will just come off as cool and relaxed, lol.

I have already finished Me Before You and started on After You, the sequel. I’m probably going to start blogging about the books that I read versus their movie counterparts. I LOVE comparing them!

I am very proud to say that my resolutions are rubbing off on my kids, my oldest son, who HATES reading, has been caught reading a book on his own time twice! And they are both getting more active with me and wanting to workout.

I was really hoping that making positive changes in my life would run off on my kids. Though they are not fat AT ALL I want them to have a healthy outlook on diet and exercise that will help them their entire life. When I was younger I was skinny, and I took that for granted. I was super out of shape and struggled to even get through a gym class. It makes getting skinnier after being obese for so long really hard.

So now that it is actually the beginning of February I can say that I am still keeping the downstairs of my house clean, working out, walking (I did 90 miles last month) and I’m eating pretty well!

I’m excited about the positive changes that I’m seeing in the house

Feeling proud

New Year… new me??

Quick answer is definitely no.

I’m not changing myself, there isn’t anything wrong with me!! <—- that’s me pretending I have self confidence

I have things I could improve on, like washing, folding and putting away the laundry in a 2 day period, max.

What I’m calling my New Year’s Resolution is Live a Life Worth Blogging About.

I want to make sure that my family is living, really living. Not stuck in front of the TV or in the house. I want them to live.

I have goals though.

1. I want to work out at least 4 times a week.

2. I want to read at least one book a month.

3. I want to make sure that I am prioritizing my business. I have a business that I haven’t really written about here and I’ve been really lazy with it.

4. My house… I am a slob IRL. I don’t prioritize cleaning AT ALL. But since buying a house, the kids having friends coming over, me meeting moms that come over and having a mom that is a clean freak who hates coming to my house because it’s messy. I want to do better cleaning my house.

5. My marriage, that is pretty self evident. You should ALWAYS work on your relationship.

6. Eat less. I LOVE food. Love it. I want to keep losing weight and my problem is food.

So those are my goals, most of them, maybe all. I want to hopefully keep these going. I sure you know that most people give up their resolutions within 2 weeks.

What are your resolutions? Do you ever stick with them or not buy into it at all?