I am guilty

There were happy moments and bring joy to me remembering them

I have mentioned before that I was married before. It didn’t end well, in fact most of the marriage wasn’t great. We were 2 kids who got married “to do the right thing” and we failed.

I left.

When I left I started a whole new life, new email address, social media accounts, the works.

I was single for 3 years after I left, I was damaged and broken and then I met this wonderful man who was and is ok with my faults and fears. He strives to help me heal and we have a great life together; storybook great.

I’ve been going through my old Facebook account because Matt likes to look at pictures of the kids as babies and compare them to Tobias.

I have mixed feelings about looking through the past because there are terrible memories like this

(There’s a story there)

And though painful, I’m actually ok with those because it confirms why we aren’t together.

But there also moments like these

Look how young we were! Full of hopes and dreams.

There were happy moments and bring joy to me remembering them

But is that ok?

I wouldn’t give up what I have right now for anything, but does that mean I have to hate my life before?

I feel like I’m between a rock and a hard place in my situation. On one hand I have this amazing husband and I don’t ever want him to think I have any regrets. On the other, I now have knowledge and maturity and when I think of my past I remember the moments I wish I would have used them.

My ex and I have a touchy relationship, pain and anger harvested on both sides. We do our best for our kids.

But could it be better?

Does it need to be better?

The Inbetween

I realize that’s not a real word.

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted a blog and I’ve been feeling guilty about it! I really enjoy taking time out to write these and I’ve been working on the same blog for over a week and it just isn’t right yet.

This past month has been so busy for me it’s hard to concentrate on writing right now.

August is the home of our anniversaries (marriage and dating), both of our birthdays (husband and mine) and back to school for the kids. So we’ve been busy!

The business received several orders for artworks, signs and coasters.

I started working out 2-3 times a week with other moms (I am not a social person so that’s new to me). In the same category, I’ve been talking to the moms at the kids bus stop. I am almost considering a girls night out with them… but it may be too soon.

I got put back on meds for anxiety and depression, that is an ongoing adventure that’s getting a blog for sure!

I’ve been working some weekends cleaning houses, which is ironic because my house is usually a MESS!

My sister is talking to me again! I thought she was mad at me… I tend to say really stupid/hurtful things and usually not on purpose so I was really worried I did it again… but she was just busy (so she wasn’t really not speaking to me, but I felt unspoken to) .

Life has been pretty great lately, I’m feeling proud of myself for everything that I’ve got going on and the meds are working so well that I’m not worried about the other shoe dropping!

Tiger Dog

He loved me and only me

I cleaned out my rats cage today! This is a chore, especially since I have 5 rats!! Yes… you read that correctly. FIVE.

I also have 2 cats.

This time last year, I had a dog. We don’t have him anymore and this makes me really sad. Not because we don’t have a dog, but how we had to give him away. I’ve felt guilty about it for 10 months. We adopted him, like you should do because there are too many dogs in this world, but it wasn’t a happy ending for anyone. He was fine at first, some separation anxiety (severe anxiety) which lead to destruction of our rental. But the biting is what ended our relationship. He bit my daughter in the face and my son on the shoulder. He tried to bite my husband in his face and on the same day attacked 3 dogs and 2 more people. All of this occured and we gave him away and I still feel guilty. I tried so hard, training, vet visits for anxiety medicine, doggie day care for exercise. He loved me and only me. He wanted to just be mine, but I couldn’t be just his mom. I had 2 kids, who he hurt, and a baby on the way. I had to put them first.

I’m sorry Khan. My beautiful tiger dog. I miss you.

Help

This experience has made me realize that you really don’t know what someone is struggling with and instead of judging their actions, support them… or HELP. 

On my way home from Walmart there was a person on the side of the road with a sign that said something about being hungry. On the grass behind him were two kids sitting. The family was not the stereo typical “homeless” that you see with the carts full of what we would classify as junk. They were not dirty and they were dressed appropriately for the weather. The sign they were holding said nothing about money, or even that they were homeless; just said they were hungry.

As we passed my children inquired why they were on the side of the road and what the sign he was holding said. I explained to them that they did not have any food and that they were asking for some. Immediately my children were up in arms and yelling at me to stop the car and give them food. I kept driving, we live about 5 minutes from Walmart, and took them home.

I need to set the scene. The four of us went to Walmart because Matt and I had decided to get serious about working out at home and we needed weights for the bar I have in the garage. On the way we also decided that there was food we needed at home. So we went to Walmart and spent way too much time and money on things that we mostly needed….

I decided that it was pretty late so we hit McDonald’s for dinner (I feel the groan from anyone who has read my weight loss blogs). We got the kids happy meals and we got ourselves a 20 piece chicken nugget box to split. With all of this in the car, including the fast food, we passed this supposed family of need.

There was straight guilt in my heart as I drove past them and my guilt was made worse by my children who told me they needed the food more than we do.

After we got home and got the kids situated with dinner I started to collect food to take back to the family. I collected a Walmart bag of food and got the little bit of cash I had on me and put it all in the bag. I drove back to the corner they were on and dropped it off. The man, I assumed was the children’s father, was extremely grateful. He told me God Bless and I walked away. Our only interaction, but that moment touched me harder than anything else going on in my life right now.

Now some of you may shaking your head at my action saying that I should not have done what I did. I don’t even know if they really are in need, they just may want hand-outs. I am encouraging their actions and if you give a man a fish nonsense. This is nonsense that I have spouted before and I believed it. But in that moment that we drove past the family, I made contact with the grown man asking for help from complete strangers while his children watched, I changed my tune. I put myself in his place.

If I was struggling enough that my children would not have enough food I would do anything, including standing on the side of the road begging. There is a possibility of being subjected to ridicule by complete strangers who think they know more about my life than me. I do not believe in my heart of hearts that they were lying about their situation.

This experience has made me realize that you really don’t know what someone is struggling with and instead of judging their actions, support them… or HELP.