Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to all and now it’s officially CHRISTMAS TIME

So its Thanksgiving today, well it was Thanksgiving today. Its 10pm and for me and my family, its over. I finally just got the baby down

Yes that really is the baby and myself in a really dark room. I wasn’t going to use the flash and risk waking him up!

He’s been difficult these last few weeks.

I don’t really take many pics on Thanksgiving because I’m usually recovering from working LONG overnights or getting ready to go to work because, retail.

*insert Hunger Games Whistle* recognition to those who work retail

This is my first year in 6 years where Thanksgiving was actually a holiday, so it was a new experience for me.

My big kids are always with their dad on Thanksgiving and normally this doesn’t bother me at all… I’m at work. But this year was different and it made me sad. I miss them, even in less than a day.

But the day continued as any holiday, big family get together, lots of food, good cheer, laughter and a huge amount of stress for the chick who suffers from social anxiety, lol.

Having kids is kind of a buffer for me. When people are around my big kids, they just want to compliment them and talk about them and that is FINE with me. Without them, the topic of what the baby has going on ends quickly. He has 2 teeth, taking steps and yes we vaccinate. End.

And then I’m left with a pit in my stomach and an awkward face that makes people think I’m sick, haha.

But I survived and now I have 3 days with my husband in my old stomping grounds so we are going to see what fun we can come up with!

Happy Thanksgiving to all and now we are officially in CHRISTMAS TIME!!!

I am guilty

There were happy moments and bring joy to me remembering them

I have mentioned before that I was married before. It didn’t end well, in fact most of the marriage wasn’t great. We were 2 kids who got married “to do the right thing” and we failed.

I left.

When I left I started a whole new life, new email address, social media accounts, the works.

I was single for 3 years after I left, I was damaged and broken and then I met this wonderful man who was and is ok with my faults and fears. He strives to help me heal and we have a great life together; storybook great.

I’ve been going through my old Facebook account because Matt likes to look at pictures of the kids as babies and compare them to Tobias.

I have mixed feelings about looking through the past because there are terrible memories like this

(There’s a story there)

And though painful, I’m actually ok with those because it confirms why we aren’t together.

But there also moments like these

Look how young we were! Full of hopes and dreams.

There were happy moments and bring joy to me remembering them

But is that ok?

I wouldn’t give up what I have right now for anything, but does that mean I have to hate my life before?

I feel like I’m between a rock and a hard place in my situation. On one hand I have this amazing husband and I don’t ever want him to think I have any regrets. On the other, I now have knowledge and maturity and when I think of my past I remember the moments I wish I would have used them.

My ex and I have a touchy relationship, pain and anger harvested on both sides. We do our best for our kids.

But could it be better?

Does it need to be better?

Soulmates

My dad performed the ceremony at our wedding and he called us soulmates. He was right

Our anniversary was in August and I have been writing this blog since then. We were celebrating one year married and three years together.

Matt and I met in June 2016 and it was far from love at first sight, lol. He was this young kid and a disheveled mess, his hair and how he dressed was not appealing to me. I had to converse with him as part of my job so I got to know him a little, found out he was smart and funny and a sort of friendship started. He added me on Facebook and we were messaging back and forth, some light flirting.

One time at work he was on break with a team member from the store and we were talking while I did my job. I was walking back towards them and they were laughing, “what’s so funny?” I asked. They told me that I had something black all over my butt (I wore khaki pants). Without thinking I asked to have a picture of my ass so I could see what it was and Matt pulled out his phone willingly; realizing my mistake I quickly told him I was talking about Jack (the gay team member he had been talking to, I knew he wouldn’t ENJOY the picture later). That is one of Matt’s favorite stories to tell, lol.

So like I said, we were messaging back and forth but nothing serious. He did not come off as the guy who wanted the “happy meal” I was bringing to the table and I wasn’t bringing anyone around my kids who wasn’t 100% serious.

Long story short, while lightly flirting he asked me how he should get his hair cut and that triggered a freak out response in my brain( I realize that was VERY dramatic and he still laughs at me for it). I had been single for 3 years and I wasn’t sure I was ready to change that yet; I was terrified. So I took 3 steps back from him. I went from being flirty to gruff. When he sent me messages I would send a one word response, if I sent one at all. But he continued to message me, despite my behavior. He was never rude or put off.

It hit me one day that maybe this is the guy you should date. The one who sees you at your worst and isn’t phased by it. He still wanted to talk to me and still wanted me.

So I gave him a chance and it has been the smartest decision of my life.

My dad performed the ceremony at our wedding and he called us soulmates. He was right.

I love that man

The Inbetween

I realize that’s not a real word.

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted a blog and I’ve been feeling guilty about it! I really enjoy taking time out to write these and I’ve been working on the same blog for over a week and it just isn’t right yet.

This past month has been so busy for me it’s hard to concentrate on writing right now.

August is the home of our anniversaries (marriage and dating), both of our birthdays (husband and mine) and back to school for the kids. So we’ve been busy!

The business received several orders for artworks, signs and coasters.

I started working out 2-3 times a week with other moms (I am not a social person so that’s new to me). In the same category, I’ve been talking to the moms at the kids bus stop. I am almost considering a girls night out with them… but it may be too soon.

I got put back on meds for anxiety and depression, that is an ongoing adventure that’s getting a blog for sure!

I’ve been working some weekends cleaning houses, which is ironic because my house is usually a MESS!

My sister is talking to me again! I thought she was mad at me… I tend to say really stupid/hurtful things and usually not on purpose so I was really worried I did it again… but she was just busy (so she wasn’t really not speaking to me, but I felt unspoken to) .

Life has been pretty great lately, I’m feeling proud of myself for everything that I’ve got going on and the meds are working so well that I’m not worried about the other shoe dropping!

Vacation, Meant to be Spent Alone

When I go on vacation with kids or in general, I want to make the most of it AND relax… kind of contradictory

So when we arrive at the AFB after 11 hours in the car we meet my brother at the gate so we can get tags on our car, long story short my husband is really impressed with his picture here….

He wanted me to post this, lol.

Seriously though, obviously we got to my brother’s and relaxed, got the car unpacked and we settled into our vacay mode. My goal for this entire trip was to read a book, a whole book. I used to love reading when I was younger but since working full time, having kids and getting married, it’s been hard to finish a book. I start lots of books but I have so much going on that sitting down reading a book gets pushed to the back of the priority list. So I made a goal for myself, other than hanging with my brother, read an entire book. So I started reading as soon as we get settled. I should take this time to explain this is a 250 page book meant for middle schoolers; but I have to start somewhere.

When I go on vacation with kids or in general, I want to make the most of it AND relax… kind of contradictory. So in the morning, after feeding the baby and making my coffee I was trying to decide what to do with the beautiful day

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The kids were already pestering me to go to the pool, or go to the park… my desire to relax meant less than nothing to them, lol. So we came up with a plan to take them to the splash pad, mostly so I don’t have to put on a swimsuit

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I did take some pretty fantastic pictures!!

The rest of the vacation was pretty rainy, so we spent time inside. We walked around the exchange, which is an on base store and just looked around. There was an author who was selling her books and I proudly bought one! Her name is Joy Garcia and she writes children’s storys about her dogs and their adventures. I was super excited to be able to support her and her dream because it is mine!

The kids enjoyed playing on the Switch with their uncle and I got to read and finish my book. I loved every morning waking up to this beautiful view

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The vacation was over way too soon, and on Monday morning we got up at 5am, I said goodbye to my little brother and started the stupidly long journey back home. It was basically uneventful except we hit more traffic so it was a 12hr journey. We got home safely and our lives went back to normal.

SAHM

I am exhausted and should sleep but if I do I don’t know when I’ll have time to write this.

I am writing this at midnight after taking my first REAL shower in about a week. I am dripping wet, sitting next to my bed. My legs are stinging because I rushed through shaving again. Better to have smooth legs in pain versus the forest that was growing. I am exhausted and should sleep but if I do I don’t know when I’ll have time to write this.

For the second time in my life, I am a stay at home mom (SAHM).

This was not my game plan after I got out of my first marriage. My game plan was actually to remain a recluse for the rest of my life BUT that is another blog for another time.

Now, I love my kids (as most moms would say) and I know that I am blessed to be at home with them, but I hate having people(women) tell me that in their bitchy tone. “I wish I was in your shoes…” “I would love to be at home all day” “what do you even do with yourself…”????

I’ll tell you Karen.

I work. My days start at about 530am and I’m working until 9pm. And guess what??? There are no state mandated breaks or lunches. I usually have to eat while holding a baby, in case you haven’t done that, it’s not pretty.

Today I was peed, puked, pooped on. I usefully have breast milk on me And now baby food as well! I had a migraine and a fever for the majority of the day. My son still screamed in my face for an hour because his gums and ears hurt and he was also running a fever!

A picture of us after running our errands this morning. I cleaned the kitchen, living room, my room and did about 6 loads of laundry. I had to cook dinner, lunch and breakfast and remember medicine for 2 kids. It’s summer vacation so I also had to have my big kids do their summer work. I also have my business to run so I have to continue on the website and plan new pieces. I an reading books on how to make my business successful AND occasionally I have to work out because I’m fat. Oh and I’m married so I have to make sure I don’t let wifey duties slip up.

So that is my day and it’s pretty average. So, I’m not just sitting around on my ass (though my ever expanding waist line says differently) AND I’m not getting paid. So maybe, Karen, have respect for the SAHM or shut your mouth. I earn absolutely every dollar, I don’t get paid.

Seriously though, I love that I get to be at home with my kids. I love that I’m reading, The Littles, with them and that we do science experiments. Only having the one income means that we don’t have a lot of extra money for fun, but I love finding cheap or free stuff to do with them. They are only young once and I want them to have great memories to look back on!

I’m tired

This was just therapeutic

To call this an update would be a trivialization.

Since my last blog I have gotten married, gone on my honeymoon, gave away my dog, adopted cats, watched all available episodes of Brooklyn 99 twice, quit my job, started a business, had a baby, bought a house, packed up one house and unpacked into another, celebrated my 2 eldest birthdays, spring vacation, rescued some rats, rewatched New Girl, summer vacation and re-started my weightloss adventure (which I’m calling an odyssey because it’s going to take AWHILE).

Just thinking about everything involved is exhausting. I have had to rearrange my entire life in the last 10 months.

I’ll probably blog about most of those on their own and now I have created my own comprehensive list to go down!

Right now I am sitting on my bed at 11:23pm typing this on my phone because I’m too lazy to go downstairs to get my computer. I am watching the cats chase each other like assholes; they waited until most of the house was sleeping to play.

My big kids are on summer vacation and it’s now my job to entertain them every day AND make sure they don’t unlearn everything that they learned during the school year. I created a schedule of reading Monday thru Friday for 20 mins, math on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, writing on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Needless to say they are not thrilled with me because their friends don’t have to do schoolwork (as I type this my daughter’s whiny voice rings in my head). They have the weekends off and the week they will be with their dad. But I get to add teacher to my already impressive resume.

I am currently a mother to 3 children(one 5 months old), cats and rats(which are MY pet). So I am responsible for their wellbeing, keeping them alive, fed and entertained. I am a housewife, meaning I clean, cook, do laundry, run errands, plan out meals and weekly activities, budget. I have a business to run(with my mom). I am in charge of social media, the website, creating pieces to sell, advertising, planning, trying to make our dreams a reality. I am a wife, so I have to prioritize my marriage. Make sure I’m a lady on the street and a freak in the sheets, to put it mildly. I need to lose weight for health reasons and also because my kids friends call me fat… and that hurts, I’m not going to lie. I also need to find ways to bring income into the house… we don’t NEED it but I need to fund my business and that isn’t really in our budget SO I dog sit and I also search Pinterest and the internet for legit ways to make money at home, while dealing with everything else in my life.

I’m also a daughter and an older sister to 3 siblings who live scattered around the world. I love them all dearly and do my best to keep up with their lives.

Ohhh… also I’m an ex-wife who had 2 kids with her previous spouse and I also have to work him into my life. Which I am WAY TOO accommodating, I get told by many people.

So I have all of that going on, with my anxiety/depression and the fears of marriage that I have as a result of my first disaster down the aisle. I live in a state of “waiting for the other shoe to drop “.

Well this was just therapeutic… I feel so much better.