My grandmother died. She was alone in a train station on her way to visit family.
I called her Nanny and I have been struggling to write down the words about her. Actually I’ve been struggling in general.
I have been putting on a front, brave face, but I’m hurt. I can’t believe she is gone. I can’t believe that I’ll never hear her call me honey again.
I think the shock is what is getting me the most, I’ve lost grandparents; but I knew they were dying. I was prepared for that pain. I was not prepared for a call from my dad on a random Wednesday night telling me the grandmother that was only in her 70s is gone.
I’m struggling now. I can barely swipe my words on my phone’s keyboard.
She was a piece of home for me. Growing up a military brat we moved around A LOT, so we didn’t have a physical home, we had people “homes”. I’ve lost most of them now; my nanny, my PopPop, their houses and my parents.
I still have my parents, thank God, but its not the same honestly. Everybody has issues with parents at some point and I’m no different, my Nanny was my safe place. She didn’t judge me, or get mad at me, she was always proud of me. She just loved me.
I’m thankful I got her for the time I did. I’m thankful that she moved closer to us and that I kept a close relationship with her. I am glad I made a point of seeing her every chance I could.
I cleaned out my rats cage today! This is a chore, especially since I have 5 rats!! Yes… you read that correctly. FIVE.
I also have 2 cats.
This time last year, I had a dog. We don’t have him anymore and this makes me really sad. Not because we don’t have a dog, but how we had to give him away. I’ve felt guilty about it for 10 months. We adopted him, like you should do because there are too many dogs in this world, but it wasn’t a happy ending for anyone. He was fine at first, some separation anxiety (severe anxiety) which lead to destruction of our rental. But the biting is what ended our relationship. He bit my daughter in the face and my son on the shoulder. He tried to bite my husband in his face and on the same day attacked 3 dogs and 2 more people. All of this occured and we gave him away and I still feel guilty. I tried so hard, training, vet visits for anxiety medicine, doggie day care for exercise. He loved me and only me. He wanted to just be mine, but I couldn’t be just his mom. I had 2 kids, who he hurt, and a baby on the way. I had to put them first.
I’m sorry Khan. My beautiful tiger dog. I miss you.