New Year… new me??

Quick answer is definitely no.

I’m not changing myself, there isn’t anything wrong with me!! <—- that’s me pretending I have self confidence

I have things I could improve on, like washing, folding and putting away the laundry in a 2 day period, max.

What I’m calling my New Year’s Resolution is Live a Life Worth Blogging About.

I want to make sure that my family is living, really living. Not stuck in front of the TV or in the house. I want them to live.

I have goals though.

1. I want to work out at least 4 times a week.

2. I want to read at least one book a month.

3. I want to make sure that I am prioritizing my business. I have a business that I haven’t really written about here and I’ve been really lazy with it.

4. My house… I am a slob IRL. I don’t prioritize cleaning AT ALL. But since buying a house, the kids having friends coming over, me meeting moms that come over and having a mom that is a clean freak who hates coming to my house because it’s messy. I want to do better cleaning my house.

5. My marriage, that is pretty self evident. You should ALWAYS work on your relationship.

6. Eat less. I LOVE food. Love it. I want to keep losing weight and my problem is food.

So those are my goals, most of them, maybe all. I want to hopefully keep these going. I sure you know that most people give up their resolutions within 2 weeks.

What are your resolutions? Do you ever stick with them or not buy into it at all?

I am guilty

There were happy moments and bring joy to me remembering them

I have mentioned before that I was married before. It didn’t end well, in fact most of the marriage wasn’t great. We were 2 kids who got married “to do the right thing” and we failed.

I left.

When I left I started a whole new life, new email address, social media accounts, the works.

I was single for 3 years after I left, I was damaged and broken and then I met this wonderful man who was and is ok with my faults and fears. He strives to help me heal and we have a great life together; storybook great.

I’ve been going through my old Facebook account because Matt likes to look at pictures of the kids as babies and compare them to Tobias.

I have mixed feelings about looking through the past because there are terrible memories like this

(There’s a story there)

And though painful, I’m actually ok with those because it confirms why we aren’t together.

But there also moments like these

Look how young we were! Full of hopes and dreams.

There were happy moments and bring joy to me remembering them

But is that ok?

I wouldn’t give up what I have right now for anything, but does that mean I have to hate my life before?

I feel like I’m between a rock and a hard place in my situation. On one hand I have this amazing husband and I don’t ever want him to think I have any regrets. On the other, I now have knowledge and maturity and when I think of my past I remember the moments I wish I would have used them.

My ex and I have a touchy relationship, pain and anger harvested on both sides. We do our best for our kids.

But could it be better?

Does it need to be better?

Soulmates

My dad performed the ceremony at our wedding and he called us soulmates. He was right

Our anniversary was in August and I have been writing this blog since then. We were celebrating one year married and three years together.

Matt and I met in June 2016 and it was far from love at first sight, lol. He was this young kid and a disheveled mess, his hair and how he dressed was not appealing to me. I had to converse with him as part of my job so I got to know him a little, found out he was smart and funny and a sort of friendship started. He added me on Facebook and we were messaging back and forth, some light flirting.

One time at work he was on break with a team member from the store and we were talking while I did my job. I was walking back towards them and they were laughing, “what’s so funny?” I asked. They told me that I had something black all over my butt (I wore khaki pants). Without thinking I asked to have a picture of my ass so I could see what it was and Matt pulled out his phone willingly; realizing my mistake I quickly told him I was talking about Jack (the gay team member he had been talking to, I knew he wouldn’t ENJOY the picture later). That is one of Matt’s favorite stories to tell, lol.

So like I said, we were messaging back and forth but nothing serious. He did not come off as the guy who wanted the “happy meal” I was bringing to the table and I wasn’t bringing anyone around my kids who wasn’t 100% serious.

Long story short, while lightly flirting he asked me how he should get his hair cut and that triggered a freak out response in my brain( I realize that was VERY dramatic and he still laughs at me for it). I had been single for 3 years and I wasn’t sure I was ready to change that yet; I was terrified. So I took 3 steps back from him. I went from being flirty to gruff. When he sent me messages I would send a one word response, if I sent one at all. But he continued to message me, despite my behavior. He was never rude or put off.

It hit me one day that maybe this is the guy you should date. The one who sees you at your worst and isn’t phased by it. He still wanted to talk to me and still wanted me.

So I gave him a chance and it has been the smartest decision of my life.

My dad performed the ceremony at our wedding and he called us soulmates. He was right.

I love that man

The Inbetween

I realize that’s not a real word.

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted a blog and I’ve been feeling guilty about it! I really enjoy taking time out to write these and I’ve been working on the same blog for over a week and it just isn’t right yet.

This past month has been so busy for me it’s hard to concentrate on writing right now.

August is the home of our anniversaries (marriage and dating), both of our birthdays (husband and mine) and back to school for the kids. So we’ve been busy!

The business received several orders for artworks, signs and coasters.

I started working out 2-3 times a week with other moms (I am not a social person so that’s new to me). In the same category, I’ve been talking to the moms at the kids bus stop. I am almost considering a girls night out with them… but it may be too soon.

I got put back on meds for anxiety and depression, that is an ongoing adventure that’s getting a blog for sure!

I’ve been working some weekends cleaning houses, which is ironic because my house is usually a MESS!

My sister is talking to me again! I thought she was mad at me… I tend to say really stupid/hurtful things and usually not on purpose so I was really worried I did it again… but she was just busy (so she wasn’t really not speaking to me, but I felt unspoken to) .

Life has been pretty great lately, I’m feeling proud of myself for everything that I’ve got going on and the meds are working so well that I’m not worried about the other shoe dropping!

Vacation, Had To Get Away

Less than an hour into the trip we had a baby screaming and 2 kids whining, asking if we were there yet…. SERIOUSLY????

So here we are, 2 adults, 2 kids and one baby packed into a car for what should have been a 9hr drive to go visit one of my brothers in Florida. Tobias is not happy because I woke him up instead of the other way around, he wouldn’t latch on (I am breastfeeding him, which I do not know if I have mentioned) and he is already in his car seat, which he hates. I was hoping the kids were going to go back to sleep since we woke them up so early, but not so much.

Less than an hour into the trip we had a baby screaming and 2 kids whining, asking if we were there yet…. SERIOUSLY???? To say that I had explained how long this trip was going to be 100 times is an understatement.

My plan for the trip was to pump milk by hand and have the kids feed him with a bottle to help prolong stopping. So when the baby started getting fussy I looked in my diaper bag for my pump, not there. I looked in the Walmart bag of snacks, not there and my brain flashed to the kitchen counter where I remember them being last and I start freaking out. My husband being the calm rational soul that he is pulls over into a parking lot so I can feed the really upset baby before anything else. It takes Tobias a few minutes to calm down before he will finally latch on, but first feeding is successful and I change his diaper to get that out of the way. Next Matt proposes we look for a Wal-Mart to buy a pump for the trip to continue with my plan, he stays so calm and tells me over and over again that I am not a terrible mom because I forgot something. As I start to calm down I remember picking up the pump and putting it in the glove box with the nipples and the milk saving bags. So we are back on the road, only 40 minutes behind schedule.

Being in the car for 9(according to GPS) hours with your spouse could bring some to commit murder, and probably has. I on the other hand LOVE car trips with my man, he is my actual best friend and I love our time together. We make the kids use headphones in the car so we have some privacy to discuss whatever we want. Matt and I have some pretty funny conversations together because even though we are pretty different, we both think in a very similar manner.

For example, I am not sure what brought up Alaska, but I mentioned that my brother(the one we were not going to see) used to want to live in Alaska. That made me think of the movie The Proposal and as I was getting ready to bring that up Matt says “That was something they got right in The Proposal….” and he drifts off “You mean the shades to block out the sun which doesn’t set for awhile??” I reply because I was thinking the same thing. “Yeah, he says” and I say “Just like 30 days of night… or is that the sex movie, you know, with Josh Harnett??” He tells me I was thinking of the correct movie, the vampire one and then we start racking our brain for the name of the sex or lack there of movie that he did (40 days and 40 nights btw) and that makes us wonder, what happened to Josh Harnett??? Then we get into a discussion about how Chris Pine, who Matt insists came on the scene at the same time as Josh, just picked better movies and Josh just went away. I knew this wasn’t accurate so I risked getting extremely car sick to research this on my phone and I was correct. I did get extremely nauseous, but won that knowledge competition.

There isn’t much to do in a car when you have pretty bad car sickness(???) so you can talk, keep messing with the thermostat or radio volume so his OCD fixes it without him realizing it, watch your husband’s facial expressions as people act stupid on the road, laugh at him when he does something stupid, LEFT LANE ENDS, oh I should get over!! What did you think it was going to say??

Well we were in the car for 11 hours and made like 6 stops, mostly because of Tobias, but we finally got to the base and we started our vacations; but first, we had to get passes to get on base…