Truth of Motherhood

I have seen many posts shared on Facebook about motherhood and how we (women) lose ourselves when we become mothers. They talk about the guilt and the weight gain, the depression. And that is only part of being a mother.

So much changes after women have kids, and I don’t want to demean what men go through, I can’t speak of it personally though.

Our bodies are never the same; fat in new places, stretch marks, nipples twice the size and darker. My breasts look like deflated balloons when I’m not breastfeeding.

The hormones we have racing through our bodies is INSANE. It’s similar to SC weather, 30 degrees at 7am and 70 degrees at noon, snow the next day.

The first time we hold the baby that’s been destroying us for 40 weeks is …. I can’t even think of a word. We go through the traumatic experience of labor and then we are handed this tiny human who depends completely on us. And though there are plenty of books, they don’t actually help you with your first post labor bowel movement or survive that first night home.

The love and compulsion to keep this little human safe is overwhelming. We have never felt this strongly about anything and it is terrifying. The first time they get shots and let out that shrill cry, the first time they have to “cry it out”, the first bruise/fall. Learning the heimlich for babies because your daughter is actually choking on an apple. The fear and sadness that we feel, going through these totally normal and necessary moments in our babies lives.

Our heart, or a large part of it, is literally walking around outside our body.

We want to be the best mother we can be, whether we are a stay at home mom or working mom. We sacrifice ouselves, body, sanity, sleep, diet, health, careers, all to be involved. Society tells us whatever we are doing is never enough or good enough. We push ourselves to the limit.

I wasn’t actually going in this direction when I started this post, but the blog took me here.

What I am saying here is motherhood is hard, again I’m not demeaning fatherhood, and moms if you read this. I salute you.

Next blog- Keeping Your “Self” in Motherhood

January 19th… well it would have been

*forgot to post this… oh mom brain

I thought I would give an update on my resolutions since it has been over 14 days

Most resolutions last only 14 days, did you know that?

Well I am proud to say that most of mine are going strong. I am exercising, reading, most days I am eating healthy, there are even entire days that the downstairs of my house is CLEAN!!

I have not concentrated on my business yet, which is upsetting but sometimes it feels like there are not enough hours in the day.

I am pretty excited to say that I’ll be recording a video of me working on some Valentine’s day resin pieces. I am both excited and nervous because I’m awkward. I am hoping that I will just come off as cool and relaxed, lol.

I have already finished Me Before You and started on After You, the sequel. I’m probably going to start blogging about the books that I read versus their movie counterparts. I LOVE comparing them!

I am very proud to say that my resolutions are rubbing off on my kids, my oldest son, who HATES reading, has been caught reading a book on his own time twice! And they are both getting more active with me and wanting to workout.

I was really hoping that making positive changes in my life would run off on my kids. Though they are not fat AT ALL I want them to have a healthy outlook on diet and exercise that will help them their entire life. When I was younger I was skinny, and I took that for granted. I was super out of shape and struggled to even get through a gym class. It makes getting skinnier after being obese for so long really hard.

So now that it is actually the beginning of February I can say that I am still keeping the downstairs of my house clean, working out, walking (I did 90 miles last month) and I’m eating pretty well!

I’m excited about the positive changes that I’m seeing in the house

Feeling proud

New Year… new me??

Quick answer is definitely no.

I’m not changing myself, there isn’t anything wrong with me!! <—- that’s me pretending I have self confidence

I have things I could improve on, like washing, folding and putting away the laundry in a 2 day period, max.

What I’m calling my New Year’s Resolution is Live a Life Worth Blogging About.

I want to make sure that my family is living, really living. Not stuck in front of the TV or in the house. I want them to live.

I have goals though.

1. I want to work out at least 4 times a week.

2. I want to read at least one book a month.

3. I want to make sure that I am prioritizing my business. I have a business that I haven’t really written about here and I’ve been really lazy with it.

4. My house… I am a slob IRL. I don’t prioritize cleaning AT ALL. But since buying a house, the kids having friends coming over, me meeting moms that come over and having a mom that is a clean freak who hates coming to my house because it’s messy. I want to do better cleaning my house.

5. My marriage, that is pretty self evident. You should ALWAYS work on your relationship.

6. Eat less. I LOVE food. Love it. I want to keep losing weight and my problem is food.

So those are my goals, most of them, maybe all. I want to hopefully keep these going. I sure you know that most people give up their resolutions within 2 weeks.

What are your resolutions? Do you ever stick with them or not buy into it at all?

Screenshots worth 1000 words

So I have a lot going on in my life currently, mom, starting a business, house, work, weightloss, wife, pet mom, friend, daughter and the list continues.

Sometimes I have a hard time keeping track of my life. I have a dry erase calendar that I write things, apts, parent teacher conferences, trips on but that isn’t enough.

One thing that I do to help keep my life in order is take screenshots of things that I have to do, remember, look up, laugh at, share with my husband.

These are some of the ones I plan to keep, some of them are Christmas ideas, murder mystery podcasts to check out, diet ideas to look up or try. The tattoo is a response to my sister, letting her know which one I thought was the best. Where to find renaissance festival coupons, measurements in cm for Wish presents. And of course my Hogwarts house, because that’s just important to know.

These are how I keep my life in order. I go through once or twice a week and clean out the ones I don’t need anymore.

I was recently at a meal prep party and I mentioned that is how kept my life in order; to my surprise another mom chimed in that she does the same thing!!

It’s funny that the comment made me feel so justified in my actions, but in retrospect… it isn’t really.

Moms are so hard on themselves, we hold ourselves to such a ridiculous standard and it’s nice when someone else does something as weird as organizing our life with screenshots.

The Inbetween

I realize that’s not a real word.

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted a blog and I’ve been feeling guilty about it! I really enjoy taking time out to write these and I’ve been working on the same blog for over a week and it just isn’t right yet.

This past month has been so busy for me it’s hard to concentrate on writing right now.

August is the home of our anniversaries (marriage and dating), both of our birthdays (husband and mine) and back to school for the kids. So we’ve been busy!

The business received several orders for artworks, signs and coasters.

I started working out 2-3 times a week with other moms (I am not a social person so that’s new to me). In the same category, I’ve been talking to the moms at the kids bus stop. I am almost considering a girls night out with them… but it may be too soon.

I got put back on meds for anxiety and depression, that is an ongoing adventure that’s getting a blog for sure!

I’ve been working some weekends cleaning houses, which is ironic because my house is usually a MESS!

My sister is talking to me again! I thought she was mad at me… I tend to say really stupid/hurtful things and usually not on purpose so I was really worried I did it again… but she was just busy (so she wasn’t really not speaking to me, but I felt unspoken to) .

Life has been pretty great lately, I’m feeling proud of myself for everything that I’ve got going on and the meds are working so well that I’m not worried about the other shoe dropping!

SAHM

I am exhausted and should sleep but if I do I don’t know when I’ll have time to write this.

I am writing this at midnight after taking my first REAL shower in about a week. I am dripping wet, sitting next to my bed. My legs are stinging because I rushed through shaving again. Better to have smooth legs in pain versus the forest that was growing. I am exhausted and should sleep but if I do I don’t know when I’ll have time to write this.

For the second time in my life, I am a stay at home mom (SAHM).

This was not my game plan after I got out of my first marriage. My game plan was actually to remain a recluse for the rest of my life BUT that is another blog for another time.

Now, I love my kids (as most moms would say) and I know that I am blessed to be at home with them, but I hate having people(women) tell me that in their bitchy tone. “I wish I was in your shoes…” “I would love to be at home all day” “what do you even do with yourself…”????

I’ll tell you Karen.

I work. My days start at about 530am and I’m working until 9pm. And guess what??? There are no state mandated breaks or lunches. I usually have to eat while holding a baby, in case you haven’t done that, it’s not pretty.

Today I was peed, puked, pooped on. I usefully have breast milk on me And now baby food as well! I had a migraine and a fever for the majority of the day. My son still screamed in my face for an hour because his gums and ears hurt and he was also running a fever!

A picture of us after running our errands this morning. I cleaned the kitchen, living room, my room and did about 6 loads of laundry. I had to cook dinner, lunch and breakfast and remember medicine for 2 kids. It’s summer vacation so I also had to have my big kids do their summer work. I also have my business to run so I have to continue on the website and plan new pieces. I an reading books on how to make my business successful AND occasionally I have to work out because I’m fat. Oh and I’m married so I have to make sure I don’t let wifey duties slip up.

So that is my day and it’s pretty average. So, I’m not just sitting around on my ass (though my ever expanding waist line says differently) AND I’m not getting paid. So maybe, Karen, have respect for the SAHM or shut your mouth. I earn absolutely every dollar, I don’t get paid.

Seriously though, I love that I get to be at home with my kids. I love that I’m reading, The Littles, with them and that we do science experiments. Only having the one income means that we don’t have a lot of extra money for fun, but I love finding cheap or free stuff to do with them. They are only young once and I want them to have great memories to look back on!

Tiger Dog

He loved me and only me

I cleaned out my rats cage today! This is a chore, especially since I have 5 rats!! Yes… you read that correctly. FIVE.

I also have 2 cats.

This time last year, I had a dog. We don’t have him anymore and this makes me really sad. Not because we don’t have a dog, but how we had to give him away. I’ve felt guilty about it for 10 months. We adopted him, like you should do because there are too many dogs in this world, but it wasn’t a happy ending for anyone. He was fine at first, some separation anxiety (severe anxiety) which lead to destruction of our rental. But the biting is what ended our relationship. He bit my daughter in the face and my son on the shoulder. He tried to bite my husband in his face and on the same day attacked 3 dogs and 2 more people. All of this occured and we gave him away and I still feel guilty. I tried so hard, training, vet visits for anxiety medicine, doggie day care for exercise. He loved me and only me. He wanted to just be mine, but I couldn’t be just his mom. I had 2 kids, who he hurt, and a baby on the way. I had to put them first.

I’m sorry Khan. My beautiful tiger dog. I miss you.

I’m tired

This was just therapeutic

To call this an update would be a trivialization.

Since my last blog I have gotten married, gone on my honeymoon, gave away my dog, adopted cats, watched all available episodes of Brooklyn 99 twice, quit my job, started a business, had a baby, bought a house, packed up one house and unpacked into another, celebrated my 2 eldest birthdays, spring vacation, rescued some rats, rewatched New Girl, summer vacation and re-started my weightloss adventure (which I’m calling an odyssey because it’s going to take AWHILE).

Just thinking about everything involved is exhausting. I have had to rearrange my entire life in the last 10 months.

I’ll probably blog about most of those on their own and now I have created my own comprehensive list to go down!

Right now I am sitting on my bed at 11:23pm typing this on my phone because I’m too lazy to go downstairs to get my computer. I am watching the cats chase each other like assholes; they waited until most of the house was sleeping to play.

My big kids are on summer vacation and it’s now my job to entertain them every day AND make sure they don’t unlearn everything that they learned during the school year. I created a schedule of reading Monday thru Friday for 20 mins, math on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, writing on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Needless to say they are not thrilled with me because their friends don’t have to do schoolwork (as I type this my daughter’s whiny voice rings in my head). They have the weekends off and the week they will be with their dad. But I get to add teacher to my already impressive resume.

I am currently a mother to 3 children(one 5 months old), cats and rats(which are MY pet). So I am responsible for their wellbeing, keeping them alive, fed and entertained. I am a housewife, meaning I clean, cook, do laundry, run errands, plan out meals and weekly activities, budget. I have a business to run(with my mom). I am in charge of social media, the website, creating pieces to sell, advertising, planning, trying to make our dreams a reality. I am a wife, so I have to prioritize my marriage. Make sure I’m a lady on the street and a freak in the sheets, to put it mildly. I need to lose weight for health reasons and also because my kids friends call me fat… and that hurts, I’m not going to lie. I also need to find ways to bring income into the house… we don’t NEED it but I need to fund my business and that isn’t really in our budget SO I dog sit and I also search Pinterest and the internet for legit ways to make money at home, while dealing with everything else in my life.

I’m also a daughter and an older sister to 3 siblings who live scattered around the world. I love them all dearly and do my best to keep up with their lives.

Ohhh… also I’m an ex-wife who had 2 kids with her previous spouse and I also have to work him into my life. Which I am WAY TOO accommodating, I get told by many people.

So I have all of that going on, with my anxiety/depression and the fears of marriage that I have as a result of my first disaster down the aisle. I live in a state of “waiting for the other shoe to drop “.

Well this was just therapeutic… I feel so much better.