Embarrassing myself

Let us talk about cheating.

I have been cheated on several times in my relationships in different degrees, physically and emotionally and they both suck. That is very embarrassing to even write because cheating is not spoken of directly. It is always hidden, kept secret. I had someone tell me to not post on social media about being cheated on because “I don’t want to embarrass myself”

WHY…. Why should I be embarrassed because someone else did something inappropriate, selfish and wrong.

Why do I have to keep their indiscretion a secret when it is all I can think about? My life as I know it is destroyed, my trust betrayed, the fragile state of my confidence blown away. It is the only thought swirling around in my brain at 2am. The events replay in my nightmares. I will literally never be the same person I was, and I can’t talk about it.

Is it my fault? It has happened in more than one relationship… so am I the problem? Is there something wrong with me.

I mean I have been given the gambit of excuses, you let yourself go, you are not the same, you haven’t shown me love. And in their mind, I am just supposed to deal with it. They have justified their actions and that is that. There has been some “remorse” but how real is that?

I become obsessed with not letting it happen again (and spoiler… it ALWAYS does) I try to be the “perfect” partner and I do everything I think they want. I always try to lose weight because obviously being fat has something to do with them “stepping out”. I tell myself to accept some responsibility, but I take the blame. I believe that it is my fault and I start to hate myself and try to be someone, anyone else.

Weeks, sometimes months go by with this very unhealthy behavior and then my mental health starts to deteriorate rapidly. I become exhausted all the time, but I can never sleep. I cry at the drop of a hat. I get angry and I start to hate everything.

My laptop crashed, went black and never came back. My husband moved my computer’s hard drive to a separate removable one. I was going through the contents looking for something specific and I came across these stories I had written. They all dealt with cheating. They were terribly written, kind of humorous, but I can feel the emotions still.

I write all of this to say, if you have been cheated on, if you have felt that hurt or are currently suffering through. I understand.

Also, it is not your fault. Don’t listen to their BS. You are not to blame.

My advice is to love yourself. Find yourself again, you may be lost right now. Go back to being fun and fancy free. To hell with anyone that tries to steal your thunder or your sunshine.

Just Be You.

Advice… don’t get mad or even. The best revenge will always be to move on with your life, your happiness will be salt into their wound. Karma does not always punish cheaters, it is just something you are going to have to deal with. If you decide to cover their Jeep in gasoline and set it on fire remember to not use matches AND there will be some blow back…

also that is illegal and you will go to jail when you are caught. Destroying personal property only works in movies and songs.

Forgot to Add

Cherish

The last blog I posted were lessons of life.

Well I forgot one. Cherish.

I lost my Nanny in February. I honestly have not gotten over that. Now, my other grandmother and my final grandparent, has had a stroke and is being moved to hospice.

Both of My Grandmas
The last time I saw my Grandma

While I have spent a lot of time with my Nanny, I did not spend much time with my Grandma in adulthood. I am going to regret not spending time with her.

So my last piece of advice is cherish.

Cherish your loved ones, your children, parents, spouses, siblings, grandparents. They grow up, move away and unfortunately die.

Cherish the moments you have; the good, the bad and the ugly. They make up your life. Make the best of it!

How do you handle grief? Do you have anything you do to to help you deal with the pain?

Tiger Dog

He loved me and only me

I cleaned out my rats cage today! This is a chore, especially since I have 5 rats!! Yes… you read that correctly. FIVE.

I also have 2 cats.

This time last year, I had a dog. We don’t have him anymore and this makes me really sad. Not because we don’t have a dog, but how we had to give him away. I’ve felt guilty about it for 10 months. We adopted him, like you should do because there are too many dogs in this world, but it wasn’t a happy ending for anyone. He was fine at first, some separation anxiety (severe anxiety) which lead to destruction of our rental. But the biting is what ended our relationship. He bit my daughter in the face and my son on the shoulder. He tried to bite my husband in his face and on the same day attacked 3 dogs and 2 more people. All of this occured and we gave him away and I still feel guilty. I tried so hard, training, vet visits for anxiety medicine, doggie day care for exercise. He loved me and only me. He wanted to just be mine, but I couldn’t be just his mom. I had 2 kids, who he hurt, and a baby on the way. I had to put them first.

I’m sorry Khan. My beautiful tiger dog. I miss you.

Change of Plans

Part of my problem with this blog is I try to plan ahead, I want to be ahead of the game. I know there is nothing wrong with being prepared; if you fail to plan then you plan to fail. The problem I have with planning is I feel forced to finish the blog I started because I planned it out.

Part of my problem with this blog is I try to plan ahead, I want to be ahead of the game. I know there is nothing wrong with being prepared; if you fail to plan then you plan to fail. The problem I have with planning is I feel forced to finish the blog I started because I planned it out. So for example I have been working on a wedding blog since I posted my last one and I have written only a paragraph… in three days only a paragraph so clearly I am failing. I think I put pressure on myself when I plan out my blogs instead of just writing how I am feeling at the time.

Today I am feeling very pregnant. I am only 15 weeks pregnant but with it being my third kid AND being fat before I got pregnant my body seems like it is falling apart. The first few weeks were filled with the normal exhaustion and nausea. As the weeks have gone on though, there has been some additional pain, bleeding and some crazy “morning sickness”. Some of the pain has been a ripping feeling in the front of my stomach and that leaves me crying when that happens. I have had sciatic pain since my first pregnancy and it affects my hips and they are already sore because they are widening. So when they start acting up it becomes difficult to walk and it again is very painful. My morning sickness has been getting worse everyday. I am vomiting almost daily up to 3 times a day and it takes the most out of me. I am so tired and out of it, so tired and out of it that I was asked to take a LOA because I really couldn’t do my job very well.

So I have been at home for almost 2 weeks trying to get better and that has not worked. I have had to stop eating basically to stop the puking. I am surviving mostly on Gatorade and salad, and I have only puked that up once. I still can’t eat until about 11am without vomiting and even then its a 70/30 chance. I have talked to the doctor about all of this and apparently it is all normal because I am spending so much time leaning over the toilet.

Well the bad has not overshadowed the good. We are still super excited about the baby, we are planning on telling people at the wedding. I have an announcement planned with the kids, we are doing a Nightmare Before Christmas theme. We are going to put the kids in shirts that say “Oldest Nightmare” for Brian and “Middle Nightmare” for Kenzie and a baby shirt that says “Newest Nightmare expected Feb 2019”. The gender reveal colors are lime green and purple, obviously green for a boy and purple for a girl. We find out the week after we come back from the honeymoon.

I can not wait!!