Embarrassing myself

Let us talk about cheating.

I have been cheated on several times in my relationships in different degrees, physically and emotionally and they both suck. That is very embarrassing to even write because cheating is not spoken of directly. It is always hidden, kept secret. I had someone tell me to not post on social media about being cheated on because “I don’t want to embarrass myself”

WHY…. Why should I be embarrassed because someone else did something inappropriate, selfish and wrong.

Why do I have to keep their indiscretion a secret when it is all I can think about? My life as I know it is destroyed, my trust betrayed, the fragile state of my confidence blown away. It is the only thought swirling around in my brain at 2am. The events replay in my nightmares. I will literally never be the same person I was, and I can’t talk about it.

Is it my fault? It has happened in more than one relationship… so am I the problem? Is there something wrong with me.

I mean I have been given the gambit of excuses, you let yourself go, you are not the same, you haven’t shown me love. And in their mind, I am just supposed to deal with it. They have justified their actions and that is that. There has been some “remorse” but how real is that?

I become obsessed with not letting it happen again (and spoiler… it ALWAYS does) I try to be the “perfect” partner and I do everything I think they want. I always try to lose weight because obviously being fat has something to do with them “stepping out”. I tell myself to accept some responsibility, but I take the blame. I believe that it is my fault and I start to hate myself and try to be someone, anyone else.

Weeks, sometimes months go by with this very unhealthy behavior and then my mental health starts to deteriorate rapidly. I become exhausted all the time, but I can never sleep. I cry at the drop of a hat. I get angry and I start to hate everything.

My laptop crashed, went black and never came back. My husband moved my computer’s hard drive to a separate removable one. I was going through the contents looking for something specific and I came across these stories I had written. They all dealt with cheating. They were terribly written, kind of humorous, but I can feel the emotions still.

I write all of this to say, if you have been cheated on, if you have felt that hurt or are currently suffering through. I understand.

Also, it is not your fault. Don’t listen to their BS. You are not to blame.

My advice is to love yourself. Find yourself again, you may be lost right now. Go back to being fun and fancy free. To hell with anyone that tries to steal your thunder or your sunshine.

Just Be You.

Advice… don’t get mad or even. The best revenge will always be to move on with your life, your happiness will be salt into their wound. Karma does not always punish cheaters, it is just something you are going to have to deal with. If you decide to cover their Jeep in gasoline and set it on fire remember to not use matches AND there will be some blow back…

also that is illegal and you will go to jail when you are caught. Destroying personal property only works in movies and songs.

Is Love Blind?

I have had an intense love/hate relationship with a reality show, in that I hate myself for how much I love this show.

So there is a reality show on Netflix that is taking over the world and my Facebook page.

I have opinions on the show and I will be revealing SPOILERS if you have not finished or watched the series and want to, don’t read this.

So the basis of the show are 30 people, 15 of each sex. They “meet” in pods without ever actually seeing each other unless they are engaged. Most people focused in on a select person quite quickly, but there were some hearts broken and tears cried.

When all the dates were done we were left with 6 couples: Kelly and Kenny, Jessica and Mark, Lauren and Cameron, Diamond and Carlton, Barnett and Amber, Damien and Giannina.

So after these couples are engaged, they finally meet and they are swept away to Mexico to connect physically. They are there for a week and then they have to rejoin the real world, phones and families. They have 3 weeks until their wedding.

I’ll be blunt, Diamond and Carlton are the first couple to bite the dust. Carlton is fluid, which means he has dated both sexes. He waited till they were engaged and in Mexico to tell Diamond and she felt betrayed. She tried to tell him how she felt and in my opinion she was calm and kind even though she was given quite a lot of new information. Carlton did not handle that well, he was obviously used to people judging him for his past. He just assumed that she was not ok with it and verbally attacked her. She responded to his aggression with her own aggression. There was a screaming match by the pool, where they both said mean things. So they did not make it out of Mexico.

I want to say that I am sad for Diamond and Carlton, they were a great couple. Their outfits the day he proposed matched, and that was not planned. They had these really great outgoing personalities.

I understand her not just being like “ok” that’s cool. I have been where she was, well I was dating someone, not engaged, and when he told me I freaked out a little. I had questions and fears and it took some adjustment time. That was another huge difference in our situation is TIME. I also understand Carlton’s fear to tell her, he loved her and didn’t want to lose her. He shouldn’t have had to stress about his sexuality though, he is who he is and he deserves to be loved. That fear or stress does not in any way justify how he reacted though, he verbally attacked her and said nasty things.

I’m really upset how people have reacted to both of them. They have gotten death threats and that is total BS. This is a TV show, but these are REAL people, who have lives and real feelings. That’s all I’m going to say about that.

Kenny and Kelly were the couple that did not make it that actually surprised me. They honestly were so perfect that it was almost boring. Even when they met each other parents, there was no drama. Their parents supported their relationship 100%. Apparently Kelly wasn’t physically attracted to Kenny enough and when it came time to their wedding she said no. When it came time for the reunion Kenny was in a serious relationship and very happy and Kelly was single and full of regret. That is really all that needs to be said, Kenny was great and Kelly made a dumb mistake.

Kelly, intense attraction is not something that lasts forever. There are ups and downs in relationships, what is amazing is the intense emotional connection that you get with open, honest communication and time spent together that beats any intense physical attraction.

Mark and Jessica… mark and jessica… jessica, jessica, jessica…. oh messica

Most of the memes about this show are about Jessica and Mark. I could write a novel about all the issues and red flags but I don’t want to. Jessica and Mark connected on their very first date. Anyone watching could see there was a “spark”. Well Jessica also fell for Barnett but in a flirty and fun way; there was nothing substantial there. Barnett said something dumb, she “broke” it off with Mark and was ready to fully commit to Barnett. He backtracked and she went crawling back to Mark, basically so she didn’t end up alone. When he took her back he said “I know my worth and I’m no one’s second choice”<—— I paraphrased. He then spent like 6 more (extremely uncomfortable, for us) episodes literally being the obvious second choice.

Mark, seriously man, learn your worth. There were so many red flags that he ignored and then had the audacity to act surprised that she said “no” at their wedding.

Jessica, at the reunion you said you realized that you needed help and I hope you are serious. You have a drinking problem, you strung poor Mark around like a (blind) puppy. You threw yourself at an engaged man, lied to his fiance about it and blamed it on the whiskey.

But the worst thing you did Messica… is GIVE YOUR DOG WINE!!! That is not ok dude… major party foul. Jessica you are a beautiful (on the outside) woman. Get your shit together.

Damien and Giannina. I honestly love this couple. If you have watched the show I know it sounds crazy because they seem to have issues, but I honestly think it was a lot of how the footage was cut. I can also tell that Damien isn’t normally a very open and emotional person and GiGi brings that out of him and it bothers him. Gigi is also extremely passionate and a fighter, in every aspect of her life. Sheis like a real life Telemundo character, always yelling and being dramatic. When she went all in for this relationship she went ALL IN. People have mentioned that her behavior is gaslighting or abusive, I disagree. It’s not perfect, but I don’t think it’s out of malice, maybe lack of maturity. Damien can be a stereotypical white guy, quiet and to himself. He’s kind of boring on screen, but in interviews Gigi says he is actually hilarious.

I just need to say to GiGi, butterflies don’t last boo. If you want butterflies don’t get married or have kids because telling your husband the same thing over and over or listening to him snore while you are up with a screaming newborn for the 7th time in one night KILLS all the butterflies… they dead. True love outlasts those butterflies though

Damien is actually very mature and risks losing GG on their wedding day because he says NO!! He tries to tell her why, but not before her Telemundo exit, running out of the building, crying, falling, yelling. Happily though, they are together, just not married. They are taking their time.

Amber and Barnett

I did not like these 2 at first. I honestly thought she was a gold digger or at least someone who was just there to see how much she could get for herself. I thought Barnett was a f@$kboy, there is no better way of saying that. I started to like him more as the show progressed. He stayed faithful completely to Amber, even though Jessica was throwing herself at him. He was obviously not trying to start drama because he didn’t tell Amber what was happening with Messica. He is the kind of guy who wants to avoid the unnecessary drama, but he married a literal firecracker. During the show, they made Amber look pretty irresponsible and lazy. She didn’t have a job and she has student loans and a maxed out Sephora credit card. But in interviews since, she has told her side. She also was completely honest at the reunion when she talked about marriage expectations and confronting Jessica. She mentioned that being married wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows and that she had considered a divorce before she realized that what they needed was to talk to each other. I think that took bravery to admit that. She also let Jessica know that she is a “shiesty bitch”, her words, that I may have spelled incorrectly. She was attacked online because she wasn’t quiet and just let it go, but honestly I wouldn’t have. This woman pretended to be your friend, lied to your face and tried to undermine your relationship?? That is not ok, and needs to be addressed.

So now I am in love with the Barnetts and I am wishing them love and happiness.

Now for America’s version of royalty…. Lauren and Cameron

Honestly I don’t have much to say about these 2. They are solid, they are beautiful, they are perfect for each other. They are obviously an interracial couple and there are challenges with that. I have experienced that myself, very real and sometimes disheartening. But the way these 2 fit… its unreal

All I can say for them is God bless. I can not wait to see pictures of the beautiful angels you create together. They will have their own YouTube channel and post videos, can’t wait!!

So what was your take on the show? Who is your favorite couple? Do you think any of them will make it?