My Name is….

I have been a stay at home mom for about 3.5 years of the ten years I have been a mom. This is probably the path I will walk for awhile.

To those who are not a SAHM this blog is probably going to come off as whiny. I LOVE my kids as any mom will say, but sometimes I need to be a human person and not just “mom”.

When I was a single mom and working a full time job, missing important moments in my kids lives I would have given anything to be able to be at home with them. Now that I am home 24/7, I miss having my own money and having actual time to myself. Literally a single trip to the grocery store seems like a freaking vacation. A shower that I don’t have company or interruptions is unheard of. I don’t even poop without an audience.

I tried to orchestrate time for myself so I could be home alone, oldest 2 were at a sleepover and I had my husband take the baby to an indoor jump house but he (the baby) fell asleep in the car and they came back home. Immediately upon arriving home baby is awake and completely underfoot. I just wanted a couple of hours to clean the house without distractions. I wasn’t even doing anything fun.

Even as I am writing this I have been interrupted at least 3 times, some how paint got spilled upstairs and I needed to check it out and now my list contains how to get paint out of carpet AND find all the paint—->get rid of it. The baby is not happy that I am sitting at the desk and he is unable to be the center of attention, so he is sitting next to me screaming and crying. My husband is telling me about any funny video or meme he comes across on Facebook or YouTube.

My brain is in constant overload and I am already planning next week. My son was trying to make me feel better and he said, at least tomorrow is Saturday!! What does that mean to me??? More cleaning, laundry and zero downtime, but at least the kids don’t have school and my husband doesn’t have work; so they will all be there to help make MORE of a mess!!

It is funny to think that I was less stressed while working… but that really isn’t it at all. I was even more stressed, but I was an actual person at work. I wasn’t just, “fix my problems, pay attention to me, he hit me, baby crying, the house is a mess, what’s for dinner, when did we change the filters last, are you going to do laundry, you wanna…..?”

And I still don’t want a job outside of the home, I love that I get to be there for all the important moments of my kids lives. I can be more supportive of my husband. I get to homeschool my kids and give them hands on attention, which they desperately need. I can control their learning, in the sense that as my daughter excels I can give her harder material or when my son is struggling I can give him extra time on something.

I am constantly in a battle of sorts in my mind. I love being there but I want more than just being MOM…. my name is Bonnie.

MY NAME IS BONNIE.

I put fake eyelashes on… and immediately took them off

Whistle While You Work

Imagine that the broom
Is someone that you love and soon you’ll find you’re dancing to the tune — Name that movie

I broke the broom to the tune of my tears

Do you know the song with the lyrics “ain’t no rest for the wicked”? That seems to sum up my life these days. I am either paying for transgressions from my past lives or I have been far worse a person than I realized in this one.

I’m not living a wild or fun nightlife… I’m cleaning. You read that correctly. I am up super late at night or up very early in the morning(sometimes both) to clean my house.

And these late night/ early mornings are not maintaining a clean house, oh no. These are to actually CLEAN the house.

I have never been a person to keep things clean, I was a slob. I really didn’t start caring about cleanliness (just of the house… I do very much believe in bathing) until I moved in with my friend. She is such a OCD clean person I felt so guilty that her house was always a mess because my slob crew (2 kids and a fiancee) moved in.

That was when a new reason to be stressed or anxious joined my already impressive repertoire.

I’ve been even more stressed ever since.

The accuracy

So I lose sleep because the best time to clean is when no one else is around to bother me, ask me questions or piss me off because they are sitting on their ass while I’m running around like a chicken without its head.

I thought after I quit my job and became a stay at home mom that this cleanliness thing would be so much easier… excuse me while I pee my pants laughing. Between being surrounded by 4 slobs and 2 disastrous cats, being a pack rat, having crazy cleaning ADD, and being a crafter of so many things NOTHING ever stays clean. And I do clean throughout the day in any way my 18 month old will let me, but nothing stays clean.

So to you clean people (especially SAHMs with children home) I envy you. I want to be you, well be like you… I don’t want to wear your skin to my birthday or anything…. but I’m jealous

It just passed actually

But I need to stop writing now, the floor I just scrubbed on my hands and knees is now cover in glitter. Apparently my daughter thought filling a balloon with glitter was a great idea and the cat just popped the balloon. SEND HELP

Oh and the answer from my last post is Swan Princess

Truth of Motherhood

I have seen many posts shared on Facebook about motherhood and how we (women) lose ourselves when we become mothers. They talk about the guilt and the weight gain, the depression. And that is only part of being a mother.

So much changes after women have kids, and I don’t want to demean what men go through, I can’t speak of it personally though.

Our bodies are never the same; fat in new places, stretch marks, nipples twice the size and darker. My breasts look like deflated balloons when I’m not breastfeeding.

The hormones we have racing through our bodies is INSANE. It’s similar to SC weather, 30 degrees at 7am and 70 degrees at noon, snow the next day.

The first time we hold the baby that’s been destroying us for 40 weeks is …. I can’t even think of a word. We go through the traumatic experience of labor and then we are handed this tiny human who depends completely on us. And though there are plenty of books, they don’t actually help you with your first post labor bowel movement or survive that first night home.

The love and compulsion to keep this little human safe is overwhelming. We have never felt this strongly about anything and it is terrifying. The first time they get shots and let out that shrill cry, the first time they have to “cry it out”, the first bruise/fall. Learning the heimlich for babies because your daughter is actually choking on an apple. The fear and sadness that we feel, going through these totally normal and necessary moments in our babies lives.

Our heart, or a large part of it, is literally walking around outside our body.

We want to be the best mother we can be, whether we are a stay at home mom or working mom. We sacrifice ouselves, body, sanity, sleep, diet, health, careers, all to be involved. Society tells us whatever we are doing is never enough or good enough. We push ourselves to the limit.

I wasn’t actually going in this direction when I started this post, but the blog took me here.

What I am saying here is motherhood is hard, again I’m not demeaning fatherhood, and moms if you read this. I salute you.

Next blog- Keeping Your “Self” in Motherhood

The Inbetween

I realize that’s not a real word.

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted a blog and I’ve been feeling guilty about it! I really enjoy taking time out to write these and I’ve been working on the same blog for over a week and it just isn’t right yet.

This past month has been so busy for me it’s hard to concentrate on writing right now.

August is the home of our anniversaries (marriage and dating), both of our birthdays (husband and mine) and back to school for the kids. So we’ve been busy!

The business received several orders for artworks, signs and coasters.

I started working out 2-3 times a week with other moms (I am not a social person so that’s new to me). In the same category, I’ve been talking to the moms at the kids bus stop. I am almost considering a girls night out with them… but it may be too soon.

I got put back on meds for anxiety and depression, that is an ongoing adventure that’s getting a blog for sure!

I’ve been working some weekends cleaning houses, which is ironic because my house is usually a MESS!

My sister is talking to me again! I thought she was mad at me… I tend to say really stupid/hurtful things and usually not on purpose so I was really worried I did it again… but she was just busy (so she wasn’t really not speaking to me, but I felt unspoken to) .

Life has been pretty great lately, I’m feeling proud of myself for everything that I’ve got going on and the meds are working so well that I’m not worried about the other shoe dropping!

SAHM

I am exhausted and should sleep but if I do I don’t know when I’ll have time to write this.

I am writing this at midnight after taking my first REAL shower in about a week. I am dripping wet, sitting next to my bed. My legs are stinging because I rushed through shaving again. Better to have smooth legs in pain versus the forest that was growing. I am exhausted and should sleep but if I do I don’t know when I’ll have time to write this.

For the second time in my life, I am a stay at home mom (SAHM).

This was not my game plan after I got out of my first marriage. My game plan was actually to remain a recluse for the rest of my life BUT that is another blog for another time.

Now, I love my kids (as most moms would say) and I know that I am blessed to be at home with them, but I hate having people(women) tell me that in their bitchy tone. “I wish I was in your shoes…” “I would love to be at home all day” “what do you even do with yourself…”????

I’ll tell you Karen.

I work. My days start at about 530am and I’m working until 9pm. And guess what??? There are no state mandated breaks or lunches. I usually have to eat while holding a baby, in case you haven’t done that, it’s not pretty.

Today I was peed, puked, pooped on. I usefully have breast milk on me And now baby food as well! I had a migraine and a fever for the majority of the day. My son still screamed in my face for an hour because his gums and ears hurt and he was also running a fever!

A picture of us after running our errands this morning. I cleaned the kitchen, living room, my room and did about 6 loads of laundry. I had to cook dinner, lunch and breakfast and remember medicine for 2 kids. It’s summer vacation so I also had to have my big kids do their summer work. I also have my business to run so I have to continue on the website and plan new pieces. I an reading books on how to make my business successful AND occasionally I have to work out because I’m fat. Oh and I’m married so I have to make sure I don’t let wifey duties slip up.

So that is my day and it’s pretty average. So, I’m not just sitting around on my ass (though my ever expanding waist line says differently) AND I’m not getting paid. So maybe, Karen, have respect for the SAHM or shut your mouth. I earn absolutely every dollar, I don’t get paid.

Seriously though, I love that I get to be at home with my kids. I love that I’m reading, The Littles, with them and that we do science experiments. Only having the one income means that we don’t have a lot of extra money for fun, but I love finding cheap or free stuff to do with them. They are only young once and I want them to have great memories to look back on!

Took a turn

The job that I had once loved had taken a turn for the worst and I hated life.

So about 6 months ago I quit a job that I had been at for over 5 years. I was a manager at this job and had always intended to move up the ladder, but their practices made it difficult. The job that I had once loved had taken a turn for the worst and I hated life. Everyday showing up was absolute agony. My last day was such a crazy ordeal to me. I showed up at 6am, almost 9 months pregnant to push a truck, basically by myself because no one else was scheduled. I worked my five and a half hours(I had cut back hours for health reasons) and I left. No one said goodbye or even cared. I had worked for the company for 5 years, given them literal blood, sweat and tears, sacrificed time with my kids and hurt myself in more than one way to get my job done and none of it mattered.

That is retail.

I do want to say that in those 5 years I met some amazing people, I even married one of them! And 2 more of them were bridesmaids. I grew so much as a manager/leader and I took away some great memories; it hurt a little that my leaving wasn’t remarked by anyone.

Since then, my life has grown infinitely better. I am a stay at home mom who is also starting a business. I have friends that I occasionally hang out with and an amazing husband who, even when I want to kill him, I love more than anything. Life isn’t perfect but it is pretty damn close. I miss making money though, I get very frustrated because I am not contributing monetarily to the household, that’s really my pride speaking. I do a lot for my family and often it goes unappreciated but I still have a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day. I am working on taking time out for me each day though. I blog here, read a book

and I am trying to work on my screenplay, I need more hours in the day or to manage my time more wisely. Right now, for example I am laying across my bed with my eyes barely open because baby boy did not sleep well last night but still woke up at 6 this morning. I should be sleeping but I’m waiting for my husband to finish his D&D game(yes I married a NERD), I like to fall asleep with him.