Sleep is For the Weak

I have told myself this many times in a vain attempt to satiate my desire for more.

Have you seen the memes about sacrificing something to be able to fall asleep? That is how I feel every night.

I want to sleep. I wish to sleep. I take different medicines to help me sleep, but nothing really works. Melatonin gets me to sleep quickly, but I wake up within 4 hours and I am awake for good. Midnite doesn’t help me fall asleep so I wake up groggy. Actual sleeping pills are much too strong and I struggle to fully regain consciousness. I’m not joking.

Why do I struggle?

Partly because I married a man who snores louder than a garbage disposal, I’m currently listening to it as I type.

I am breastfeeding my youngest and he has been doing this thing where he wakes up as I’m trying to go to bed, ready to play. Or… he wakes up at 2 in the morning and he brings things into our bed and sometimes in the process knocks me in the face.

I have anxiety and the quiet still of the night is the perfect time to replay ALL of the mistakes you have made in life.

Also, the quiet time is great for planning your next day and going over what you got done today and wonder if it is enough to justify feeling accomplished.

I am a light sleeper, so if my kids go to the bathroom (which is not near my bedroom door) I hear it. Or if the cats feel like making a racket.

I hear everything. And it wakes me up.

I’m so tired. And I’m constantly tired.

My current situation, he is finally asleep again. I know the picture is dark, if I used the flash it would look like Gondor calling for aid.

I have been a “bad” sleeper for years, but these last few months have felt worse.

My eyes are starting to get heavy.

Good night. But not so much for me.